I really thought we were making progress. I has been 6 1/2 months since D-Day and I wont say it has been easy. My problem is that I know we both have tried really hard but now I find that my love for WS may be gone. The problem has arised out of remarks made and EN not being meet by WS. The remarks might not seem like a major issue to WS but they hurt. I will list a few so I can vent and maybe give some insight to why I feel the way I do.<P>1)"Oh come on, it's too late in the evening for this **** now" Said as I sat on the stairs crying after arguement.<P>2)"This isn't about you it's about me, I'm the one who just wanted to find myself" Said after initial discovery.<P>3)"See there it goes again, I never can do anything right" Said after every conversation were my opinion may differ.<P>And many more that I could probably go on for pages and pages. The final straw came Saturday. We only have one phone line and when we are on the internet no one could get through. We had discussed that this could be a problem and we needed to figure out what to do about this. Our phone company offers internet call waiting so I ordered it. WS went beserk saying "You don't trust me, this is just a way for you to check up on me." I tried to explain that I was only trying to solve the problem with the internet. After them yelling for 10-15 minutes I admitted that I was wrong for not talking to them first about ordering it. This was not enough, while I continued to cry WS continued to yell and accuse me of the standard things. No trust, checking up on me, plus the I have given up everybody in my life for you and it's not good enough. On that day something inside went away and I'm now afraid it was my love for WS that checked out. What do I do now?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

y.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

My H and I just had a "discussion". He asked me if I would ever leave him. I said, "No - it's not time for that yet."<BR>Now before I could explain this, he commented that he just wanted to see where my head was concerning his affair. His guilt still has him asking questions, wondering. He knows he violated my trust in him. There are things that he is scared of, even though things are generally going well and it has gone on some months.<P>Sound familiar?<P>Spouse has not gone anywhere. He seems to be scared, definitely insecure, with thinking you are constantly "checking up on him". When you cry, he may tend to feel justified and also that you are guilty of his accusations.<P>I sometimes am careful to explain to my H that I am in this for the long haul. When he makes comments that are not true, I let him know just that. I make no references to the A unless we agree to have discussion about it. He knows I still have questions. He has questions and we face our fears together. What I'm saying is, this is the only way he may know to show that he's afraid. He has to get over the guilt, he is still in pain too. And if you two are going to move past this, he has to forgive himself. If you don't understand that, you won't be able to see past the smokescreen, and you will keep crying. I had to learn not to take my husband's lashing out personally.<BR>I had to pray A LOT!!<BR>I had to take responsibility for whatever I did mess up.<BR>I had to let him reap what he has sown, but still let him know I am here for him.<BR>I did have to learn to stop crying so much.

HealingnNC,<P>My husband said those things to me and many, many more. I know this sounds like the standard comment on this forum, but really he is still deep in his "FOG". I honestly don't think they even realize how hurtful their comments are. I know mine doesn't even recall many of the hurtful things he's said. And although sometimes it seems his fog is lifting, when it rolls back in so do the hurtful comments. <P>Anyway, you said that something went away and you don't think you have feelings for your H anymore. Did they really go away or did you just build your protective wall high enough around your heart to keep the hurt from hurting? If your H starting showing you the love, respect and admiration you deserve, would you still feel nothing? I know I have built this incredibly high wall around what's left of my heart in an attempt to protect it. So much hurt, so much pain. My dilemma is, if he ever decides to work on our marriage and start meeting my EN will I bring down that wall and let myself be vulnerable again? I don't have an answer to that right now, but I think there are alot of BS battling with that same question.<P>The rollercoaster goes up and down. Our hope soars when the ride is going up but when it goes down we never seem prepared for it. I for one would love to get off this ride and walk off into the sunset hand in hand with H. Wouldn't that be nice for all of us, WS and BS alike.<P>

HealingnNC,<P>The very first thing that I would say to you is that the words and tone that your wife uses with you sound nearly verbally abusive to me. I think it is absolutely reasonable for you to "check up" on her a little bit, and I think she should expect to let you check on her so that she can prove to you that she's "being good."<P>But the very second thing that I would say to you is that my H said a lot of this same stuff to me, and I finally figured out why. I have an unforgiving spirit: I was not willing to let it go. Now, I had a LOT to let go (he lived with the OW for a year!), BUT it was like a weight around his neck that he had picked me, decided to try to rebuild love with me, and I kept bringing up the past and everything he did to hurt me. I kept checking and checking and checking, and he never got to the point where I acknowledged that he was "being good"--he did all the work but never got the reward. No matter what he did, he could never go back and fix or change last year, and it was like a sword hanging above his head ready to drop at a moment's notice. Needless to say, this did NOT build love units for me, and this made him feel like he would NEVER, EVER get out from under it--so why try? <P>Sooooo... I learned to try to concentrate on TODAY and how he is behaving today (not even yesterday!). I had to admit to him out loud that I had not ever really forgiven him, in that my heart might have forgiven him but my mind didn't. I had to force myself to let him have the chance to respond differently. I had to force myself to look only at how he treated me today. And more than anything else, I had to work out with him a plan where I checked up on him all the time for two weeks, once-in-a-while for two weeks, a couple times a day for two weeks, and then give him a trust test (something where I felt a little nervous but he had the chance to prove to me he could be trusted)--so that he felt like I would eventually start to trust him and there was a light at the end of the long tunnel. For us, we did have an instance where I gave him a trust test and he did not pass, but even then, I tried to keep my focus on the thing that he had done and not drag in the entire past. <P>So, hurtingnNC, I know you may feel as if you have no more love left, but would you be willing to have one more talk with your wife and see if that's how she feels? Like she will NEVER, EVER get out from under it? Like you will never let her forget? Like she will never, ever be able to prove to you that she is "being good" because you won't let her? Do you think you have it in you to understand how she might feel that way? Can you try one more time to talk to her and work out a "check up" plan, so she can see a light at the end of the tunnel? Can you try to start looking ONLY at how she treats you today? Can you let her know that you are going to try to stay focused on TODAY--and it's not like the past is gone and totally dealt with, but for now, it is not going to be your focus?<P>I hope you have the strength to try one more time, and if you do NOT, I hope you have the patience to just rest until you do have the strength. <P><BR>You're in my thoughts and prayers,<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

HELLO,<P> yes,i heard some of the comments. and yes i got one myself about two weeks ago. When I told him I felt 2nd choice, probably always will.<P> He said: Even if she (OW) called him again he would tell her " You had your chance, and you blew it!!" <P> So she could have had him but she said no, my H was ready to dump it all.<P> I lost a lot of love for him with that statement.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Thanks to everyone for your responses. It's good, and unfortunate, to know I am not the only one to hear these statements. I just don't understand how a WS can continue to be so cruel when we the BS are being generous in tyring to work things out after such a total betrayel. I don't know if I will ever figure this out.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

HealingnNC,<P>I've wanted to respond to your post since I 1st read, but couldn't find it again! The period of withdrawal is the greatest test of self-control for you, and can be the period of the most personal growth.( it has been for me ). Your spouse is going to be all that you've already mentioned, and then some. I felt that I was being trashed by my WS W around every turn.<P>You MUST NOT " pressurise " her by asking too much. ( WS's use this term a lot )<BR>You MUST try to have a " normal " day with her, no matter HOW " abnormal " the circumstances seem to you.<BR>Do the little things you would normally do, and carry on with your life. This creates an environment where the WS feels "safe". They ( WS ) are still dealing with their own guilt and pain, and don't need to be reminded of it.<BR>When you are really dpressed and "pissed off" , you can post on this board, or rather resort to a non-confrontational letter, ( WS's respond well to this ), since discussion seems to bring emotions to a boil.<P>I have found particularly useful, the book "STOP YOUR DIVORCE!", and it's principle of always agreeing with your spouse. ( Sounds strange, I know, but it works! ).<P>It's a long road ahead, but the sooner you give up your search for answers from your spouse, the sooner she will open up to you, and be responsive to your needs ( eventually)<P>I really wish you luck.<BR>If you can, read the posts by SKM in the " In Recovery " section. This will give you some insight into WS thinking.<P>muzohead

Muzo thank you for your response. I have tried the written letter approach and recieve no answer to these. I can relate to the term just try to give them a normal day since WS uses that a lot. I just can't believe that after all the hurt WS put me through, and their hurt also, I am still the one who has to be hurt and put what I need in the background to continue to meet WS selfish behavior. Does the WS ever relize the sacrifice the BS makes everyday or is it just what is expected.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC