I probably sound like I'm flip flopping around based on my post from earlier today. I have decided to give my W the space that she has asked for. Her mom thinks that she will likely want me back. I have decided to take her at face value (I don't have anything to lose at this point) in that there was no A just somebody to talk to about things. I know, I know sounds like the same old story. She told me, our counselor, and her mom and dad that the OM actually has told her and I quote, "doesn't he (me) realize that the more he pushes you away with his negative reactions, the more he pushes you towards me?" (for those whe haven't followed my saga - my W had inappropriate email communications with OM)<P>I have my ace in the hole and can still check on her electronic communications I can tell you, if I find ANYTHING I'll provide all documentation and suspicions to my attorney and move on with my life, but for now we'll see.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have my ace in the hole and can still check on her electronic communications I can tell you, if I find ANYTHING I'll provide all documentation and suspicions to my attorney and move on with my life, but for now we'll see.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Let's see, then you will probably be SadandConfused and <B>Divorced!!!!</B> What if the worst is true...is this marriage not worth saving??? Well, pardon the rest of us for being here...since most of us have a WS in the woodpile or we've been a WS.<P>Yes, I think you can give your wife some room...but it may not make much difference...based on where the A is...EA...then perhaps you can examine your marriage, find out what's lacking for your wife and try to fix it...if there's time and you're lucky...a PA is harder to deal with but the marriage can still be repaired if you're willing to endure the ups and downs of your wife's attachment to OP.<P>It's really up to you...and giving up is the easier thing to do...but what's a marriage worth??<P>Faye<P><BR>

Dear Sad & Confused;<P>I don't know your situation exactly but I feel that the OM called it right. If you do any love busting (demands, or critical judgements) at this point you will likely push her toward him. I was in her position not too long ago. <P>My husband is a highly successful businessman. He is strong, motivated and expects nothing but perfection from himself---and those around him. Alas, I have discovered that, after 20 years of trying, I am not perfect. I will never be so.<P>I am just now surfacing from the emotional fog of a long term EA. My husband was nothing but supportive when I revealed this to him. <P>Had he given me ANY reason (angry outburst, undue criticism, unrealistic demands)...I would have used it as my excuse to flee! I thank God every day that he has been understand and has employed Plan A to win me back. I am pouring myself into him at this point...but before I could do that I had to feel comfortable with him....not afraid of his reactions. If your wife is withdrawn, please be careful. <P>I agree that documentation may be necessary somewhere in the future...but you should know that if you confront her [albiet, that may become necessary] you may lose her entirely.<P>You can win her back....but the gentle approach is your best bet.

Hi again,<P>I completely understand your suffering. I am experiencing the same situation, however my wife does not express any indication about loving her Cyberfriend. You need to be very careful. Pushing her will only make her more rebelious and it may go beyond the point of no return. I too am able to monitor my wifes communications. I hate it and it´s a terrible thing to do but... I have used what I have learned to attempt to direct our relationship in a better direction and save the situation. Without this information I may not have been able to do so. I have also recognised what I have been doing wrong that prompted my wife to take this "first step". It´s usually always the same in any marriage unless, your spouse is just simply an unfaithful, valueless type of person. You then have nothing to do. If it is a situation such as mine where I did not communicate enough and effectively, then it is almost natural that my wife would seek it elsewhere. She has with this chat and e-mail friend and of course it has an emotional attachment element. AND if I did not know what was happening and take subtle corrective measures it probably would go even further. But it still goes on. There conversations at least on my wifes part are of frienship and she has made it clear that she does not want a physical relationship. They are planning to exchange photos including a picture of my wife and I at our wedding, so... Maybe it´s under control for now but I have learned that marriage can be very fragile if it is not cultivated. If your wife is saying she has fallen in love with this guy, who she never met, lived with, suffered with, then she is very vulnerable and I hate to say not very bright. But thats the so called "fog". I can only suggest that you give her space as I have, express your love to her, talk, and talk without battling and hope for the best. If nothing works then only time will tell. Talk to you soon.

I would suggest you read the book by Dr.J.Dobson "love must be tough". Your wife's assertion that you are pushing her toward the OM by trying to save the marriage is in my opinion hogwash. She is trying to find an excuse to justify her affair. The only reason she wants space is to further her relationship with the OM. She is trying to manipulate you into accepting this situation. Again I would advise you to read this book as it will give you very good advice on how to deal with this situation.

Thank you all for your responses. These boards help me alot. Regarding the comments about not love busting, that is where I think I have goofed up. I have done them all (angry outburst, undue criticism, unrealistic demands, etc). I now wonder if its too late. At this point, I am going to give her space, stop asking questions, stop the demands, and try to give her support. I am not sure how I am going to do it, but I will try. <P>Perhaps with time, she will come around. The only encouraging aspect for our marriage right now is that she IS still going to marriage counseling and is now going to individual counseling. I tried to ask her if she was interested in going to a weekend marriage session, but she said right now I am too desparate and she doesn't care anymore.<P>thanks again<BR>extremeconfuse