My husband will not leave (even ask for a transfer) from the place he works closely with the OW. He says (sound familiar anyone?) that they are friends and only talk about business. We are going to counseling (I'm not sure how good it is, but encouraged that he's going). I moved WS out mid January after I had gotten evidence of his A. But, he's staying very nearby and is constantly coming around the house (as if he has every right). I plan to go out tonight with some friends. I have to admit that I'm taking some pleasure in him being worried about where I'll be and who I'll be with. He still very much wants to be in control of me and what I do. I'm afraid if I do the A plan, all he'll get out of it is that I'm a doormat that will put up with anything. I told him last night that a part of him is enjoying me being upset about what he's done and angry and jelous that he's staying where he's seeing her every day at work...he didn't deny it. Nothing is clear!!! I'm so afraid of making myself vunerable just to wind back up where we were before the A, in a very dissatisfying marriage. Should I let him get a taste of what it would be like if we weren't married or should I begin proving to him how wonderful I could be to him in the marriage??? As long as he's still in constant contact with OW, does it really matter what I do???<BR>G.

Hello,<P> I will be the only one( I betcha), that believes in the Give them a taste of their own medicine. Must be my age?? I will be 49 my 72 year old mom would agree.<P> Yes,it does sound familier. Same garbage from my H, just business friends. So what??<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Hi GAJ:<P>I think it's a far cry from continuing to live your life to the fullest and staying home drowning yourself in misery.<P>There is no conflict between having your WS know that you understand that there were problems in your marriage and you are willing to work on those problems whenever he can do what is necessary to begin that process....the elimination of OW and the cessing of further contact with her. Until that time, you must continue to live your life...we don't have enough time here to waste it waiting around for someone to want us again. <P>Concentrating on yourself (and I know that's hard) now is important...for you and for him...in the long run no matter what happens you will still have yourself and you will have learned in the process. If you confine your activities to mainly group activies then you should have no problems. <P>I'm sure he's not sitting at home waiting for you....don't you wait for him.<P>Faye

Depends what you consider "a taste of his own medicine" I think. You are not obligated to sit at home every night, but neither should you put YOURSELF in the position of vulnerability to an affair.<P>Decide what you will do with your life based on what will be appropriate to a still married woman, but be rewarding in some way to you. Don't decide based on what he will think or feel about it, and be especially careful not to do something simply BECAUSE you know it will upset, annoy or worry him. Intentionally hurting someone is will wind up hurting you MORE.<P>Be careful. Don't be a hermit, but don't be crazy.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Deb,<BR>You and your Mom are NOT the only one! This is still part of my plan C. May have something to do with our ages though...I'm 45. And yes GAJ, it does matter what you do. Are you doing things to make yourself happy, strong and fulfilled? Then it's ok, and if it makes them feel a little out of sorts or jealous...tough. My ws continues to see-saw back and forth, sees no reason he can't be there for her if she needs him and be her "friend". So you know what, I said sure..go for it. I'm living my own life, and while I do get a little down that we may never be able to get back together and try for a true committment and recovery, basically, do any one of us want them back because they're obliged? No, we want them to come back because of their love and respect for us. Use this time to work on yourself, to become strong, to regain the love and self respect needed to either be part of a committed relationship with him, or to be a wonderful woman without him. Either way, it's a good thing.<BR>T

Thanks for the support, even those laced with warning. Annnnd, I did see where there was room for warning. My husband came by (as I knew he would) before I left. He warned me too "Be sure to use birth control, and don't drive drunk." (Ya think maybe he was trying to get a rise out of me?) I said "ok." I danced til I couldn't, laughed til my face hurt, annnnd (ooops) hugged and kissed a bit with a friend of my friend's. D**m, it's hard to resist someone treating you like you're attractive, desirable, amusing, and just generally worth attention after the person who promised to love you til "death do you part" treats you like mine has. Even before the A, we both knew our marriage was crap. As for the friend of a friend...A part of me hoped to hear from him yesterday, but the part with my brain in it knows that's not a complication that I need right now! Hey! I did get a glimpse into how these things (A's) get started. Let's hope it proves to have just been a good time and a learning experience for me. I do have to say, I felt stronger when around my husband yesterday. It was actually much easier not to LB him. It's been nearly impossible for me to not bring up someting about "his friend" in nearly all of our interactions to date. He, I, and our d spent time together yesterday evening and I was able to stay pretty "normal." I am having a very hard time imagining us continuing in this limbo for at least 2 more months: not living together, but h always around, and keeping tabs on me, h continuing to work with "his friend", no sex (supposedly, that part of their relationship is over...most of the time I believe that), waiting to see how this all comes out. If I believed CLEO could tell me where I'd be, what I'd be doing, and who I'd be with 2 years from now...I'd be dialing the number! Unfortunately, I guess I'll just have to wait it out. <BR>Now, Blast away, I know I've got it coming.

CAJ,<P><BR> Shame on you, you were just looking for an excuse weren't you?? My plan c does not include kissing and hugging!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Deb,<BR>I wasn't looking for an excuse, but I guess I was looking for an ego boost and retaliation for that smirking face (my husband's) that keeps coming to mind. For the most part...as long as he's still spending time daily, at work, and on the cell phone regularly with OW...I don't want to see him. But, other than moving, which I can't do right now, I can't avoid him. So, I guess we're just playing potentially dangerous (to hope of reconciliation) head games these days. If I'm not a basket case about the affair, then I get things like this: <BR>Him: Do you know where I could get a little ChinaBerry <BR> tree?<BR>Me: There may be some that have sprouted from that one in <BR> the back yard. What do you want one for?<BR>Him (smirking): I was going to take it to someone at work.<BR>Me: What's that grin about?<BR>Him: I knew who you'd think it was for. But, it's not, <BR> it's for Mrs. ---- (another co-worker).<BR>Me: Well, that better, it's for her best friend, not her.<P>Has anyone else dealt with a WS who is seems to be enjoying <BR>torturing BS like this? <P>G.

CAJ,<P> Hi hon, yes they don't care what they say while in the "FOG". When they come out they are suprised at how badly they treated you. That might be why they want you to "Just forget it, and move on." If only it was as easy for the BS, as it seems so easy for them to hurt us. Unfortunatly we are the ones that really get hurt by the situation. We heard the words, and we are not "ducks",they don't just roll of our back!!<P> I hope it got a rise out of him. (your date) Did it?? You do deserve to have a "break", it is really hard to deal with, while their still in the "fog." <P> Lots of hugs and Prayers!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

GAJ, Yes, it does seem that the WS seems to enjoy the game. I have to keep reminding myself that this is about him really.... and to deflect the projections. It hasn't been easy for me because I always seem to question myself first.<P>I spent a long time believing all the things he said about our relationship, even with others, including the kids who knew different.<P>But I do understand that if you go to such lengths of "changing" yourself as my H did..... to almost prove his point...then he must really be unhappy.... but I've come to the conclusion that it is unhappiness with himself, and that it is not anything I can do anything about.<P>For me, I feel badly for him, and I have been more than willing to try to work things out..., I've apologized for not being understanding during the crisis he seemed to face at work (OW was his constant audience and support during this time...I just didn't know it)... But I know in my heart of hearts that as long as he is still IN the situation it isn't going to change. And with the addition of the complication of the baby and his family's acceptance of this being his "destiny"...there is nothing I can do.<P>For whatever reason, my H cannot see how having that relationship remain primary, has any impact on his relationship with me and the kids.<P>And so I've just had to let him go. I hope that someday he might recognize (perhaps when the fizzle wears out)how it had an impact..but he may not. And he certainly won't as long as there are not consequences for his actions.<P>I feel very sad still, but I just don't think I can allow myself and the kids to bear the weight. I just don't want this event to define our lives anymore.