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Welcome to the site. I assume that you found the General Welcome link. If not, it is in the Just Found Out forum, posted by NSR. You should read all this stuff if you haven't already.<P>Many of us are in the same situation as you. It is good that you found this site early on. Apply the principles that you learn here (Plan A, ENs, no LBs, etc.) and you'll have the best shot at making it work. It is never to late.<P>You are hearing all the standard lines from your H...we've all heard them. You've got to focus on what you can do to be the best person you can be (Plan A), and fill as many of his ENs as you can. Try and block out what is going on in his life. Easier said than done, but do your best. Focus on your goal of restoring your marriage.<P>I'd personally say that you should confront him, given how early it is in this mess for you. But expect denials, because that is generally what you will get....even with details and evidence.<P>Keep reading and posting. You are definitely not alone. Come here and vent as often as you like. This site has been a life saver for so many people.<P>I'm sorry you are experiencing this....there are many people here that want to help you get through it. Hang in there and learn as much as you can. Keep us posted.

Dear DSN,<P>Welcome to MB land. We are all here to help. The welcome info as mentioned by Rick37 is helpful. Also, read some of the writeups on this website along with the questionnaires. I created a binder for my H, it took about 2 hours of reading a printing. For me at first it helped. Later reactions will be based on his attitude. <P>There is another post about the 5 steps of greiving both on this site and the divorce/divorcing site. Some helpful information was given to me. I wish I had that at the beginning because you have been thrown into an arena where everything is unknown. One of the bad things is that you are going to be expected to be the one who keeps their cool, be rational and ok, while the WS goes off to fantasy/denial land and lives until reality bites them in the but!<P>This site has been helpful to me. You will begin to have many questions and see various ones in similar stages. Together with their experiences along with those who are more advanced in this area, you will be able to progress so that tomorrow will not look as bleak as today. Not that you will not have a bad day, you will. Being forwarned is to be forarmed. Remember that. <P>It is ok to come and vent. Sometimes you will look back on what you have been through and some of it will be sad, some funny, etc. You will go through a whole range of emotions. That is ok. We will be here for you. <P>My heart is pained to hear your story. I too found proof and my H said she was just a 'friend', then said she was a 'good friend', then said she was his lover. Wow, I didn't go from friend to lover until 8 years. We dated seriously 6 months before we got married and had this problem come up after 9+ years of being married. This A was hot and in it's 3rd month and all this love pledging had been made. Never thought I was married to such a gullible man. But lo and behold, here he was telling me he loved me but not in love with me and I had no clue what that meant. <P>Then I came here in Jan 2001. I found out that his symptoms were classic. Each of us however, have unique scenarios. In my case, OW is a psyco babble woman who manipulates all her men and H bought it hook,line and sinker. <P>So the road ahead of you has been well traveled. Hope you don't have to stay on it as long as others. But if you do, you will not be alone. I don't want to discourage you from using counselors or doctors as you need. We are a group that have 1st hand experience in this subject but by no means replace the counselors and doctors who also work with us. Find out all your support, resources and tools. Strenghten yourself. Your H is going to need a lot of help. Your help can come from your resources around you.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.

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Dear DSN,<P>Oh yea, many of your incidents are classic. How and when they met, how many times they did it, how long it took before they did it, EA vs PA vs both. All these and other questions are whirling in your mind. <P>Now, what is important? What do you concentrate on? What do you do next? Who can you turn to? How do you take care of yourself? How do you help your H? Can you and your H save your marriage? Do both of you want to save your marriage?<P>These are just some of the questions you will be considering over the next few weeks. The stuff whirling in your mind, the details of their sordid affair? This is interesting but not as important as the questions in the 2nd paragraph. Please read the writeup and questionnaires in this site. If you can get ahold of the Surviving an Affair book, His needs/Her needs, this would be good. <P>You have the beginnings of a support group (you FIL, your mom, even your boss). You have us here at this site. <P>1st protect your interests. Protect your health. The infidelity diet works wonders but no one should lose so many pounds that way. I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks & I am not that tall or heavy. Keep a jounal. Check out your finances. Find a good counselor, you can do phone counseling with the Harley's. <P>You did not mention children. If that is not an item in your life, then that is one less thing to worry about. You need to be the rational one here. You may learn more hurtful things. Don't take it personally. Your H may say things like: I love you but am not in love with you. I never really loved you anyway. You were never right for me and many other WS sayings. We are trying to find the correspondence school that teaches WS's these things but can't seem to locate it. Right now some think that it is an airborne virus or internet virus that affects our spouses. (trying to make a small joke). <P>Don't forget to keep the positive things in your life in your view. Try not to be too immersed in your problems to miss out on the good things that are happening around you. If a friend has a good thing happening, if you have a compliment come your way, be ready to accept and acknowledge it. Your friends, co-workers, neighbors, relatives, etc. can be there for you. Let them know what you need help in and let those that can help you. Your help will come from many persons and things. Even little ones can bring a wealth of wisdom. They view life through very simple and truthful eyes. Use those eyes to keep things in perspective. Grandmas and grandpas have wise sayings that make us think. While we are on this subject, learn to ask questions to make your H think. Sometimes getting them to use thier gray cells helps them clear the fog. <P>One last piece, is your H a conflict avoider? If yes, how you react and deal with him will need to be tapered to his attitude. Search for the conflict avoider posts on the d/d site, GQII site and Recovery site. I am not sure which one they are in but there were a couple of good posts from there about how to identify and handle conflict avoiders. <P>My H was similar to yours. He moved jobs a lot, had low self-esteem. Now he is out there trying to prove himself with an OW who thinks that this man who can not provide for himself much less his family, who puts his interests ahead of his own, is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. OW has been makind great efforts to break up our marriage and using reverse pyscology. <P>Best advice is be prepared to weather out this storm or marital discord. It is a rough ride but you can make it through. There is no guarantee that your marriage will be save, but you will come out a better, stronger person and if your marriage can be saved and put back on a good course, then you will have accomplished your purpose. Either way you can be ok. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]