Well, I don't know what to do anymore. <P>For those of you who don't know my story, the brief version is that in May 2000 I discovered what I call an EA that my H was having with our babysitter. She is Div. 2x. Anyway, he wouldn't give her up. On Dec 28 my H told me he didn't want to work on our Marr. anymore. (We never tried as far as I am concerned). Before I found MB, ON Jan 2,01, I filed him with D papers even though I didn't want to. We had 2 mediation sessions since then. I had to do everything. File, set up medi. arrange for child care. After second Mediation and upon finding MB, H became "nice" to me, we talked about superficial things. He even touched me slightly at times. Anyway, He brought OW into home on weekend when I was away. I told him that was it, here we come court. He then told me he broke up with OW. (at first I didn't believe but now I do). Anyway, I was trying to do Plan A during this time however, I felt with a divorce pending and him still living in the house, it was difficult. He was leaving every nite and coming home 4am or so and then he stopped coming home. I wrote him a Love Plan A letter about 2 weeks ago and stopped the divorce I initiated. Well, last Tues nite, he tells me it is over , he is moving on with his life and he is "living with OW#2!!!!) Again, she was "friend", taking kids there to have a place to go with them. He has taken then 2x for weekend to her house. We told kids last Wed that Daddy doens't live here anymore and he lives with OW#2. (crushed is not the word for the kids response). <P>I think H was slowly leaving OW#1 while bringing along OW#2 during Dec, Jan, Feb and my "threat " to H about kids and i tild him OW#1 wants to marry him helped him "break it off totally" with her.<P>OW#2 is a widow of 1 year. She has 3 kids also, appox. 8.10,11. She lives in 1/2 house with her parents. I think they are all disgusting but that IMO. <P>Anyway, HOW DO YOU PLAN A like this without jeopardizing the kids. My kids are 5,3,2. When he has them, , he takes them to her house.<P>I still love my H and can not believe that he is like this. Friends, family, think he has"changed". What kind of man jumps from one woman to the next with kids? That's why I think I need to Plan A because there is no way that this relationship will work but what do I know. I don't know him anymore. He has changed his life to someone he is not but he thinks he is sitll the same. Loving, kind, moral (LOL with that one)wonderful,family man. LOL<P>I am continuing to be strong and grow and take care of business and not LB but it is hard. <P>Do I continue to tell him I love him even if he is like this. I told him if he wants divorce, he has to file. I will not mediate and that is a major LB for him I'm sure.<P>Where is the line that protects kids and try to save marriage. Or does marriage have to end to save marriage.<P>I know all you smart people will give me wonderful advice. I really appreciate everything I hear.<P>I also find it interesting that most people really don't understand how you can still want to be married to a person that has and is treating you so terribly. sometimes I wonder myself.<P>Hopelessmom

I think you should keep trying. Can you avoid all talk of divorce and just try to calmly Plan A while really concentrating on yourself and building an independant life that you will be happy in with or without him? That's what I am trying to do right now although it's very hard for me not to obsess about it. I think if I was more independant I might be more appealing to come home to-should he decide to.<BR>How long were you married before the A started? The fact that he's in his second affair must be very difficult for you.This is all one continuous fog for him though, obviously. He may come out of it and realize what he's lost but you need to take care of yourself first. (I don't think you're helpless)

Hi Wonderfulmom,<P> Maybe the next time he takes the kids,you can be all dolled up? And when he asks why. Say What do you care. Keep him guessing? Go have fun.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

hm-if you love him, tell him you love him. I told Jim every single time we talked, even if it was only when we said goodbye. Not all mushy & stuff, just I love you. Think, think really really hard, what is causing this (on his end I mean-we all know here that WS's may have things they need to work on, but are NOT a cause of an A). Is it his self esteem? If so, do your best to build him up. I've also heard that more than one OP is not all that uncommon. Plan A til you can't no more!!!!

The first A started about 6 months prior to our 13th year of marriage.<P>He started his affair when my youngest was 1.5. That is my reward for growing three kids in my body.<P>In end of Jan I was dolling myself up and he made comments such as oh you look nice, Oh do you have a boyfriend-hope he treats you nice. You are always on line, with who?. In the past couple of weeks he was touching me more, nonsexually, and we were talking and laughing. That stopped the minute that I told him I stopped the divorce and told him I loved him and had hope for our marriage. I asked him to forgive me for my shortcomings. He said he had. But he was still moving on with his life. There has been too much pain, anger and hurt. <P>Since the beginning of his affair( I call Dday in May 00) I have grown an awful lot. I restarted my medication and I now KNow that I am a clinically depressed person and have been for a while. I have a family history. I just wouldn't accept it until my world exploded and either I was going to kill myself or survive for my kids. I have done that. I continue to grow. I know that I am capable of taking care of my kids on my own. It would be difficult, my life would be drastically different and not what I planned but we never get what we plan for do we. <P>Anyway, I still love him. His whole family thinks what he is doing is wrong __if he wanted to end marriage, then go live by yourself and figure your life out is what that wanted him to do but he didn't.<P>He just called and again, wanted to talk about finances and the divorce. He wants to mediate. I said NO. he, Don't you remember that Dr. B said we were intelligant enough to figure it out ourselves and not let atty get the % of money.<P>LB i said " I know that I am intelligant enough but I don't know if you are" BINGO POP OOPS But I meant it. How can I expect a man who is behaving like this, to use his brain in a rational way. Sorry, I don't think so.<P>What are these women providing him. I really think it is someone to "take care of him" in a mothering sort of way. I was never really like that but you could say that I was the in charge type until the kids came along, I am SAHM now and had a difficult time for4 +years until the kids were getting alittle older to handle and hormones and meds worked.<P>He never really said why he wanted divorce, other than I always wanted my way (yaeh, I did) and I was too dependent upon him. Sorry! We have 3 little kids now. What did you expect. SOmetimes I think that I am the man and he is the woman. Sounds awful. I am logical and he thinks emotionally, however, I cry all the time and he really doesn't.<P>Another interesting thing, His mother had A when he was about 12, she took him to another state to live, left A man and came back to homestate, where father was with another woman. Mom and Dad back together but Dad still had OW and her family for 8 more months. I think he is reliving his Dad's life. His parents were both alcholhlics at the time and sicne have recovered. he basically was an abandoned little boy with no parents. He is youngest of 7, with 5 years between his next borther up.<P>So, my undrestanding of Plan A is go on with my life, (which I am)don't love bust. Doing this without hurting kids, I think he taking kids to her house when he has them,even for weekends, is not being the parent I should. Which comes first, marriage, or kids.<P><BR>Better stop or I will be eriting a book.<P>Hopelessmom(someday will be HeroicMom)<BR>