I was discussing affairs with my wife yesterday. She said a good friend would not tell if she knew her friend's spouse was having an affair. She said a good friend should go to the cheating spouse and tell them that she thinks what he or she is doing is not very good and very harmful to the relationship. I said after this kind of talk then what if the cheating spouse continues to do it. She said in that case it might be appropriate. But she said she feels it is better not to know. I said if a friend does not tell then perhaps the husband or wife will keep doing it with many people or perhaps the affair will go on so long that a marriage can no longer be repaired. She said If I had an affair she would rather not know about it because then she would still be happy each day. But she said if she found out about it she would be very angry. However my wife feels I should only have been angry at her cheating a couple of days and then move on and forget about it. So I told her that three days of anger is pretty easy to weather. So it is better to tell and weather the three day storm. In reality I don't know how long she would be angry and I am sure she doesn't either. We discussed if having two days of fun with another sexual partner is really worthwhile in view of the fact that the spouse might be angry for several years. She agreed it wasn't but in the heat of passion who thinks about the future consequences anyway. In my wife's case she claims that she could not refuse a policeman's advances because he helped her brother so much to get work. However I didn't say this but in my mind I do not quite buy this. In my mind was the thought "What if the policeman did all this stuff for you but he was physically a bit repulsive and not attractive like the policeman she had sex with?" Would she also have sex with this individual. I think not. She would have found a way to say no. If her answer is yes she would have sex with him then I wonder how low is her standards. If the answer is no then the story that she did it only because of obligation cannot be true. I would love to ask this but at the moment I have to drop it since we are doing fine again at least my wife is doing fine and is very happy. For me I seem to dwell on all this and try to imagine my wife's thinking. Right now I still don't even know if my wife had an affair with an attractive man because she felt the urge (waiting in China for me for seven months is hard on anyone), or if it was the case of date rape (the policeman took advantage of her), or she felt obligated to give this guy sex in return for him helping her or some combination of the above. I think maybe a combination. I don't know if it really helps no matter what she admits. I think the thing that bothers me is that she has not told me the true story yet and feels it is not necessary. I am not sure if it helps she just admits she had an affair because she enjoyed it and that's all there is too it. She was madly in love with me and I was madly in love with her and we were newly married, She knew married women are not supposed to have sex with other people. After seven months of daily long Emails I felt I knew my wife pretty well. Also I made two trips to China to be with her for a few weeks each time. I sent her an Email about being faithful an loyal just a week before she did it. She swore she would never be with another man. While she was having sex she said the only thing on her mind was that she was worried she might get pregnant. I asked what if she did? She said she would have got an abortion in China just before she came to America. She said she would not have told me about any of this. In our case she had to because it was discovered she had a sexual disease. She seemed to be only angry at the fact that the guy did not want to use a condom and she got a disease from this affair. Really she is able to just not even think about any of this. But she is ashamed enough that she would rather commit suicide than to tell her parents about it. So obviously she does know what she did is terribly wrong. Doesn't seem like I am moving along too quickly. For me it has been six weeks since D-day. Six weeks ago the doctor phoned to tell me my wife had a sexual disease. Right now my wife wants to forget anything to do with China and move on. I also want this but for the victim it is much harder. There is no erase button in my brain. It seems even if you are with the most wonderful person on the face of the earth and could never find another person as wonderful as this, still the fact that they had an affair and betrayed you, even with no love feelings, is very hard to take. The day before yesterday it physically felt like my heart was ripping apart. The feeling lasted the whole day. I tried to tell myself not to feel this way and to not think about it. But every minute of the day I thought about it.

Dear Roger,<P>You are her husband. Her parents are also important. But is it ok for her not to shame her parents but ok to mess up your mind and lose your trust? The OW in my H's case seems to think the same way. <P>I have a question, it may sound cruel but what if you asked your wife how would she feel if you annuled the marriage and let her go back to China. Seeing that it is not a big deal to her, but it is a big deal to you. Saving the marriage by dealing with this issue may not be satifactory by 'just get over it Roger'. It sounds like she is playing the cards in her favor. She is using your love for her to pull your strings. Maybe she does not have the same amount or kind of love for you and feelings are not as mutual as you may think. I am sorry to be so blunt but you are at the beginning of your married life and have the ability to make decisions now that may be more difficult later. <P>When she does answer watch to see if her answers are based on fixing how you feel vs how she will be treated. Ex: Oh, don't send me back to China, I can't handle seeing that man again. vs. Roger, I know you want me to be more open with you and yes, I will work with you now. Please help me make our marriage work. Something like that. <P>Just my thoughts again. I sure would not want to see you go further into an arrangement you may regret. <P>Hope these words are not too strong. <P>L.<BR>

Coming from a person who was the last in town to know: A good friend would do both. Tell the WS that what they were doing was wrong, and let the WS know that if he/she did not tell the BS immediately, the friend would do so. If the people who knew about my husband's affair had told me when they first knew about it, I believe the marriage would have been easier to save. The pain would have been far more bearable if I had the future to look forward to with my husband instead of watching him move over 1000 miles away with a person who has no respect for anyone.<P>A friend does not keep truth from you at any price.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

TELL THEM!<P>Some people have friends that tell them "you need to choose", "you can't have two people hanging". How about, "go back home ot your wife and figure it out!" or "you are doing something very very wrong and need to stop this now"?<BR> My H's friends knew and possibly some of his employees. I wish someone would have come forward (even anonymously). They all coddled him. Never said a word. I will not ever forget that. I will not bring it up but I will always remember that its part of their character.<P>So many things can happen when a thrid person is involved ina relationship. The spouse deserves to know, at the very least.<P>cleo

A good friend should tell, but only if they are absolutely sure...not gossip, not heresay. I had "friends" that had drinks with my H & the OW...and didn't tell. I don't consider them friends at all. A friend that did tell me told me in a fact offering manner. "I saw H & OW at __________" And it was at a time & day that he had specifically told me he was doing something else, and that something else specifically did not include the OW. So, he was busted (that was during separation #5, when he "wasn't seeing her, just needed 'space'.")<P>Gossip or second hand crap, on the other hand, can ruin lives.