Here is the situation-<BR>as I mention earlier, I rush home(OH) try plan A with my H 3 weeks ago and the things is about the same-he said he is made up his mind and want a divorce but did not mention the D word in about a week.I still have my apt. in NY city and my friend is coming to NY to visit me from oversea. I do not feel want to go back to NY( planning on leaving tomorrow for 4 days)and leave my H alone, because therer is no way of telling what will he do when I am away. I know he is going out Fri. night for a co-worker's birthday party and she is going to be there also( they work together). But he promise me that he is not going to stay at her place aftewards. I also know he is going out tomorrow night with olny guys from work(every Tue.), but he lie about that last week, I found out that he was planning to call her that night and meet her there. <BR>He have been telling me that it will make him feel better if I just leave him alone for several days( although I am on plan A, he just feel presure from me to force him to wrok our marriage out) and I really should go to see my friends.<BR>Please give me some advices. Is it a good idea to let him "think" for 4 days? Or, if the 4 days just going to make him even more gone? What kind damage is it going to make if he sleep with OW when I am gone ?<BR>but, on the other hand, he might get upset if I change my plan. What should I do ? <P>following is my original post, hope can give you some more back ground------<BR>Please help me, please.first time post a message and hope see some light here.I just find out 3 weeks ago that my H have an affair with his co-worker after 5 years of wonderful marriage. He wants to divorce me and to be with the other woman. I move to New York city one and half years ago because my job and he was looking to relocate there till Nov. 2000. Then things started to get out of hand. The affair have been on and off soon after I left and during those time the OW went and got married. Just after 6 months of marriage,she filled a divorce because her husband is abusive. And now she want my H to deiorce me and to be with her. I am following Steve's suggestion- plan A and my H was trying to relook at our marriage till yesterday(3 weeks). He told me that after 3 weeks of trying with me, he did not feel any different for her and he only stay with me now, because he is trying "to be sensitive in my diffcult time" and he is still plan to fill the papper soon. He is trying everything to not hurt her but me( that why he is not trying with me anymore-a tear phone call from the OW). He said he still love me, but he have to make a choice and by staying with me he is going to lose her and he do not want to lose her. I told him that 3 weeks just not enough, but he said it will not make a different. I had my first doze of anti-depress medic. yesterday and just sit here and wait for My H to decide when my time is up.<BR>What should I do? Still try plan A, even my H only stay with me to be nice? I feel all the hope is gone. Any body out there have a similar sitution? Please help me, I had try to hurt meself several time last week, but the love and hope keep me alive. Now, they are gone too. Will there be any hopes or am I just dreaming? <BR>

I think I must post a difficult one for you out there. seating in front of my PC and waitting for some help. Please some one give me a direction,I am sooooooooooo confused.

Hi,<P> Move back home!!! Is a job worth your marriage?? <P>------------------<BR>Deb

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bnbsdbG:<BR><B>Hi,<P> Move back home!!! Is a job worth your marriage?? <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I quit my job the day I found there is an affair. I have been with my H since that day. But, the problem is that he think I should go back to NY for 4 days to take care some things and I only in planA for 3 weeks. Is it a good time to give him time to "think"? or should I stay for a little longer before i go back ?

you know what honey??? you cannot control anything. Staying near/watching over him will not prevent him from doing anything. You cannot change what he is going to do. If he is saying he wants to leave or is acting funny being near him won't prevent anything. Let him have his @)!%*(&@!()@#%& space - and tell him - if you betray this marriage further I will NOT be back. I kicked my husband out the minute he started acting funny - and guess what? hes now grovelling at my doorstep - very angry at my independence and the fact that I did my own thing for 2 months (he was, so why shouldn't I?) He did come crawling back - they all will - but of course!! The key is to live your own life - with guys like this its the thrill of the chase. If he knows you are not 100% focused on him and maybe have a life of your own - -and why shouldn't you - he will go - oh - maybe she won't be there when I"m finished doing whatever the hell I want - maybe she's not a doormat and guess what? He'll be pursuing you again. The affair will get tired. they always do!! <P>Then you'll be holding all the cards !! good luck honey!!

Hi TyingtoLive:<P>I think you've been given some good advise already and the only thing I can add is that there is no way you can hold on tight enough to prevent what is already happening from happening. Your WS is probably going to play this out and see what happens....the 3 week period shows that. <P>Remember you don't have any control over what he is going to do and you are not the cause. Probably if you stay after he has asked you to go ahead and give him some space this will be construed as trying to control him....so let go....this little time is not the end....use it as time to get yourself together. <P>Everyone is right...WS often come back....and if in the meantime you have been working on yourself and your contributions to the marriage...then you will be better prepared to begin the work necessary to rebuilt....and he will probably be in a more receptive mood too. <P>The best way this to have turned out is for your WS to realize that OW is not worth giving up his marriage for...but that apparently is not going to happen....at least not quickly....so lower your expectations, work on what you think is wrong with your marriage (and you've come along way when you gave up your job in NY), get some counseling, stay here and read everything you can. We'll be here if you need help.<P><BR>Faye

thank you all for the advices.<BR>I know I should go because I can not control what he is going to do. But, there are 3 things bother me-<BR>1.I just can not stop thinking he is going to be with the OW when I am gone. I know when I am away my heart is going to wonder and hurt every min.<BR>2.Isn't that cause a bad plan A situation ? Is all my efforts going back to point 0 ?<BR>3. Deep in my mind I was afraid that he is planing to move out when I am not around(since he mentioned it last week). So saddddd!

<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TTL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> You need a big hug. hang in there,it does hurt. We all know.<BR> Once they are in the "mode", you can't stop them. I have been through it myself, and we have been married for 20 years. <P> Plan A, but don't be a doormat. I like the advice a couple of threads above. The one who kicked him out. Right on. I prefer the old fashioned way myself. Wakes them up a lot sooner, I bet. To bad I was in such shock, I could hardly even move. It was the last thing I would have expected.!<BR>My H was out of town for 6 weeks, that is how it had gotton started.<P> We will be here to help you.<P> Lots of Prayers and Hugs!!!! PRAY<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb

I think most of these As happened under all us BSs noses. My Hs affair did. I refuse to live my life around what he may or may not do, I am doing this ONE time. There will not be another chance and if he betrays me again, it will be the saddest day of my life and the sorriest of his. He knows this...you can't choose for him. He may do all the things you're afraid he will but you can't watch him 24 hours a day. Tell him what you need to say, that if something "happens", it's HIS choice and then follow through. They DO come back,you know. A little(well,alot) worse for the wear but if he's in a fog, there is TRULY nothing you can do. I'm so sorry and I hope your fears are groundless. Praying for you...

TryingtoLive:<P>I guess what we're trying to say in the nicest way possible is that 4 days will not make any difference if he's got his mind made up. You could stay with him for the 4 days but on the fifth day he could still move out or be sleeping with OW. <P>We've seen this so much on MB...the WS saying that "it's over" "I want to be with OW", etc....and there's little you can do but let them go if that's what they are determined to do. You're still thinking that you can stop it by something you do....but you can't. The "fog" is so dense at this point almost nothing but the reality of actually being with OW on an everyday basis can penetrate it....and that takes time.<P>Please don't give up on Plan A so fast...even it takes time to make a difference....just keep it up. I think you will find that the strain of having OW in the background will be too much for the relationship right now, so perhaps you can expect that he will leave. But sometimes leaving is for the best...it will allow you to concentrate on yourself while WS works through his attachment to OW.<P>Sorry this has happen to you...but we're here for you.<P><BR>Faye<P>

Trying,<P>I posted that web site so it would work for you. Did you go and check out the testimonies. I pray you do. They will give you hope.<P>gentle

thank you all from bottom of my broken heart !<BR>things change rapidedly (for worse ?).I agreed to the big D last night. Not because I want to,But because I have no choice.My H and the OW is in the biggest heat ever. I found out last night that she just move out her house and leave her H 2 month ago, that when she and my H first time have sex. I can see they just in it full speed right now and nothing I said or do can slow it down.<BR>If I do not take a D, he is going to fill it soon anyway. because he just can not think at all. So, I told him last night that I will do it for 2 reasons.<BR>1. to relief the presure I put him through right now. Leave him for couple weeks and let he think if he choices to. That also might reduce the excitement he feels from the affair. When it is hard to get your hands on, you really can not live without it. So, I will let them have it for a while and wait and see.<BR>2. I think if I take a step back, my H might take it easier on me also. In stead of want a D ASAP, he might be more patient to give me more time to go through it. Since he still hug me, hold me and kiss me and he siad he till love me and care for me(why?). If I play soft, I could drag this on for another 3 months. That way I can still do my plan A in a less annoying matter.<BR>Am I wrong? any thoughs please!

{{{{{TryingToLive}}}}}}}}}<P>The thing about the big "D" is that it is spoken of at first in the big heat of the A's passion....almost as if this passion requires total commitment and urgency...everything has an immediancy to it....WS must get divorced so he and OW can be together....almost like a test of his commitment to the new relationship. And in his frenzy, he things this is the right thing to do....what "true love" requires.<P>When my WS first had his A it was a hot and heavy thing and he quickly moved out and in with OW. Although he has never wanted a divorce, she did and it was a continuous problem between them. If she could have had her way, they would have been married as fast as possible....perhaps OW can see the writing on the wall and see the necessity for making the commitment permanent as quickly as possible. But the frenzy wore out before she could get him to commit....and the greater the frenzy the more chances that it will fizzle out before real commitment is attained.<P>Don't you feed into this frenzy...you need to be the coolest head right now....and not make hasty decisions...or make things easier for WS and OW. That doesn't mean that you have to be difficult....just that you have a right to believe in your marriage and all your efforts must be directed toward finding a way to bring you and your WS back together....and that's your right....and it's nothing for you to be ashamed of. So if he wants a divorce, make him do the dirty work. You may be amazed at how long it will take him to actually file and after he has filed he may not pursue it. So don't throw in your chips...the game's not over. Stall...Stall...Stall....but nicely.<P>Faye<BR>

Dear Faye, Thank you for your suggestion.<BR>It is so strange the way my H reacts after I agree for a D. He is more relexed and seems not need me to leave as bad as before. Is he really think ? or just me dreaming ? <BR>Hope to hear some more thoughs.<BR>try to live

"relieve the presure I put him through right now. Leave him for couple weeks and let he think if he choices to. That also might reduce the excitement he feels from the affair. When it is hard to get your hands on, you really can not live without it. So, I will let them have it for a while and wait and see."<BR>Why do you say you are the one causing any pressure?? You didn't do anything - he did it. You are trying to be a loving committed wife and were faithful. He is the one who is creating the pressure on you. Just think of yourself right now. He's doing it. I think because you agreed to the divorce he will begin to realize you are going to slip away - and he'll realize he can't have the other "woman" (can we call anyone that who sleeps with a married man?) - 9 times out of 10 they are married to someone for alot of reasons: love, compatibility, respect, etc. How can one truly respect a woman who would cut in on someone else's relationship? Yes it takes 2 to tango but any respectable woman would not do what she is! Bottom Line - when the fog clears or even if he is away from you - he will realize what he's lost and this "affair" may fill him with guilt and regret and he may realize what a mistake he has made. He obviously still loves you and will realize that his life with her will not be all rosy once they domesticity and reality to deal with. Sometimes affairs seem like a picnic - you are away from responsibilities and reality and the other person doesn't represent a commitment and responsibility. So - this OW doesn't have much going for her once the excitement wears off. And - I tell you right now - at this point - he'll be back. If you can live with what he's done and be strong and make him get counselling - and make him account for his time - you will be in the driver's seat again. As I said earlier, it's the thrill of the chase - sometimes it is the thrill of sneaking around. <BR>YOu know you are a good person - and so doeshe. He knows he's being a shmuck and if you start pulling away the pull will be there and he will come towards you again. Be strong!! Keep talking to people in here. We're all hurting but at the different stages we realize that things get better. We were all where you are now - and it gets easier. And if you don't grovel and beg, you will be more appealling in his eyes. Go out and have some fun - get your hair done and hang with your friends. Do some things for you!! Okay?? Good luck and I'll be praying for you... god bless.. BIG HUG<BR>

Its hard to stand back and say for sure what is on your WS's mind right now. It could be just a matter of relief....he has gotten you to agree to D without a lot of trouble....after all that is a big obstacle.<P>I afraid that at this stage of the A the BS is not the focus of much consideration...in fact we can become invisible in this whole thing. That doesn't mean that WS doesn't still love you, but he cannot see or appreciate you through the density of the fog. That generally why its good to remove yourself from the situation until time had done its work....it will be far less difficult on you...and right now you are our real concern. As the fog clears you will begin to see glimses of your old WS...that is the time to begin the Plan A process to recover your marriage.<P>Right now you'll just wear yourself out with trying to understand....step back for a while...you've been through a war and things look bad right now...but the war's not over. Time to recoup and plan. Take care of yourself now.<P>Faye <P>

I am finally going to leave for NY for couple of weeks tonight. It is so hard to leave with a broken heart and let him to be the OW any time they wish. Just can not imagine how can I get on the trip without dieing first. I wrote him a plan Bish-A letter and will give it to him just before I leave.Just to told him I love him and the reason I agree to leave. I also plan to call him once awhile(not want to totally out of the picture yet).<BR>He promises me(I make him promise) that he will not sleep with the OW, will not lie to me while I am gone and he would only go out have couple of drinks after work with her.<BR>I know it won't mean anything, Will it?<BR>How can you out there go through Plan B ? I am doing Plan Bish-A and it already so impossible.<BR>one good thing out of this is that he is willing to wait and see how things are going before fill a D instead of ASAP. really hope my absent will make he see things a bit better. I will check on this site every day from my new location, keep give me some courage if you can. Thank you all for listening.<BR>trying to live