Well I found an email OW sent my H today saying:<P>"I know all about you...i bet your saying to yourself<BR>right now..."What the $&#". Guess Who?<BR>p.s. Dont ask anyone you already know because its not them.<BR> Bye-bye"<P>Confronted H by showing him the email, he said he had nothing to say about it meaning, he doesn't know why she contacted him with this, said he was going to tell me about the email contact after he read it (a message popped up on his comp. screen saying WHO he had mail from but he did not open it right away and it was deleted before he saw it by me). He says he has had no contact, has not seen, talked communicated with her in anyway so he doesn't know where this email stems from. I sat there completely quiet trying not to cry. I had no words, I had A LOT to say but then again I HAD NOTHING TO SAY, WHAT CAN I SAY ANYMORE, HOW MANY TALKS CAN YOU HAVE, HOW MANY STARTING OVERS CAN YOU HAVE WITHOUT IT CONTINUALLY COMING BACK TO YOUR FACE AS A JOKE! I know the emotions i am feeling now is sadness and shock but i don't want the ANGER to come. I AM TIRED OF FEELING ANGRY DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE! After sitting there waiting for me to say something he just got out of the car and went back to work. I don't know anything about anything anymore. I don't know what i am supposed to do, but feel i have to do something. I just feel defeated and stupid for thinking that we were headed in the right direction. Wow and the day AFTER April Fools day the joke is still on me.

I know the feelings this brought back just hit you like a tidal wave,but slow down a minute and look at the content of the message. I'd bet your H is telling the truth. Her e-mail has the maturity of a high-schooler contacting an old BF to see if she can reinstigate something by contacting him. <P>He saw the e-mail was from her,didn't interest him enough to open it immediately.If he had something to hide he would have done something with it right away. He didn't. She sent it to open up a can of worms and cause trouble. Don't give her that power, you've worked too hard. Yeah, it stinks that she's such a low life that she'll sink to hanging on after all this time. Just shows what a desperate,piece of nothing with NO LIFE she really is .<P>I'm sure H is feeling terrible that this is hitting you both smack in the face again.It's an old remnant consequence to his being stupid before. That's hard for them to swallow too. He probably felt horrible that you had to be overwhelmed by all the negative feelings again just because OW wants to act like a desperate fool.With you feeling so very upset, you know, they sometimes feel like they are better off not saying anything until the emotions settle down a bit. If you have absolutely no other reason to doubt your recovery, do not allow OW to come in and set you back now! Hang in there and keep talking to us. Many hugs to you!

Thanks Mthrrhbard for your kind advice. I only wish it were true. I know I am looking at this from the inside but honestly, i think my husband contacted her anonymously (he has done that b4 to me to see what i would say back but I figured out it was him). I think he did the same thing with OW to try to rekindle something. I KNOW HE KNEW WHAT I WAS AT HIS JOB FOR. I could tell by the way he got in the car, he was looking me DIRECTLY IN MY FACE LOOKING INTO MY EYES TRYING TO READ WHAT MY REACTIONS IF ANY ARE. I forgot to mention that OW has an email address with my H first name attached to it with the year 2000! Now if that is not a hint and a half for me i don't know what is (of course the usual "I DON"T KNOW WHY SHE HAS MY NAME ATTACHED TO HER EMAIL ADDRESS"! And yes I broke one of the MB rules. I contacted OW. I sent her an email asking "Why are you contacted my husband? I thought this was past. And why does she have an email address with my husbands name?" Of course no response back as of yet. I am home now and he is one part of the house I am in another, no words were spoken. In my mind, if he is not guilty of anything, he would be doing everything in his power to correct this. He hasn't asked how to correct it, he hasn't offered to call her to prove he is telling the truth(he use to do that). No, I believe he was continuing the contact. There really is no explanation for her first sentence of "I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU"....meaning he emailed her anonymously trying to feel her out. I am trying to keep my sanity and my cool, i promised no more violent outbursts from me, I am trying to prove to MYSELF and my fellow MB, that I have grown! But it is eating my heart and mind away. I have nothing else to give or offer except sadness for HIM, for HIM truly just not getting it. I feel sadness for all the progress we had made and still it wasn't enough, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS TIME, I TRIED, I LOVED and I SHOWED MY LOVE IN A WAY THAT WOULD HAVE MADE U GUYS/GALS PROUD! I did make myself proud. And i know that I will be alright and I will be a recipient of such love someday in the future with someone who GETS IT. I just keep telling myself that and I will be alright.

Well, we went to sleep with no words being spoken. This just increases my belief that there is more to this than just OW TRYING TO STIR UP THINGS AGAIN! I feel he is guilty of MORE, or else he would be trying to disprove it. This shows me 1 of 2 things...HE DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH TO, or/and HE IS GUILTY AND CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS ONE! I am trying to be still and not do anything, but i still feel like he is getting off to easily by me not having a harsh reaction. It's as if he feels, "OH WELL SHE'LL BE ANGRY FOR AWHILE BUT SHE WILL GET OVER IT AGAIN"! Can someone give some insight or suggestions?

I know how much our minds can play games on us in this situation. My H had a friend who always contacted him even when he asked her to stop and I had to come to the conclusion that my H can't control what others do. My first instinct was that your H didn't have any control with what she sent.<P>It sounds as though your H and this OW are very immature. I don't know your whole story, but it seems as though your H plays some really hurtful games.<P>My H didn't want to discuss things with me last year, either. I stopped all conversations regarding his lies or our recovery. I just can't bare further lies.<P>We are doing great. We spend most of our free time together and we are enjoying each other's company. I'm not white knuckling the marriage like I did last year.<P>Take a different approach. Continue to Plan A and control the angry outburst like you have, but try to focus more on <B>your</B> personal recovery. It's easy for me to suggest it since I'm in a peaceful state right now, but I was where you are just 5 months ago. If your H is still in the fog then nothing you do will bring him out of it really. <P>I would suggest getting some self-help books or even just a book to read for enjoyment. Start doing for yourself. If you must rant - keep coming here or start a journal. <P>I stopped discussing the state of our marriage with my H unless he brought it up. I started meeting with a girlfriend I met here on these boards at Barnes & Noble for coffee and conversation and it's relieved some tension for me.<P>I feel so much better about myself and my marriage. My H took notice and he's brought things up periodically and we've been able to have calm discussions. <P>I think if you can <B>detach with love</B> for a time and focus on yourself you will benefit in the long run.<P>When I made the decision to do this I put it on my calendar when I started and I made a goal for 1 week only. When that week was over I evaluated my success then made another goal for another week. Those small increments made it more bearable and I saw results quicker.<P>What do you think? Can you let go for 1 week and focus on your own personal recovery and healing?<P>Good luck and God Bless!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

Hey Trying,<BR> I'm so sorry. Of course you know this from the inside. You know too that this incident can't even start to be resolved in ANY fashion until you talk to H. Being angry will not solve anything. So, pick a good time and get this all out in the open so that you have all the facts (I know, sometimes only the ones they make available).At least if you listen to him attempt to explain this you will have more than just guessing on your own. Even if he is evasive that will tell you something. Doremember though he can't control what OW choses to do at any point in time and that really stinks.Take care and let us know how you're doing.

The thing is, it seems that I am the leader in our marriage. That my husband follows my lead. If i don't speak he won't speak. That is why i did the change of showing him love and it was reciprocated and I thought we were on our way to a good foundation for the past few months. We were becoming FRIENDS again, talking more and I like you did not bring up the past as not to hear anymore lies. So if I go the route of detaching myself it will not get him to talk about it, he will go on with us not speaking UNTIL I DECIDE ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND I BRING ABOUT A CONVO ON THE SUBJECT WHICH IS HOW IT ALWAYS ENDS UP with me having to initiate a conversation on it, us arguing and getting nothing solved. I will try the detachment bit, but i can see this going on for weeks with him not trying to do anything to fix it. I am taking the different route of not arguing, hitting blah blah blah. But i am starting to feel that the childish outburst are the only way for me to get him to react, but I KNOW I KNOW, i have come too far to slide backwards just because H did. I want to be beyond that and beyond HIM. But the only result i know i will get is the truth which is him not doing anything and showing me that I just don't matter enough for him to try to make things right. Oh well, I guess sometimes it takes more than a hit on the head to really want to accept the truth.

I know it would drive me nuts if I had a H like would not take any initiative in the marriage,especially after suffering the devistation of an affair. I guess there is no way to make him be the leader, either he's motivated or he's not. Any chance you two can get some more counseling? You know how "thick" these men can be at times! <P>I know not many agree with my philosophy on separation,but I honestly believe that being apart for a time can bring a lot of realization to both parties. If he had to live without you he just might wake up and realize what he'd be losing if he doesn't get with the program.<P>Hang in there Trying and take care of you right now until you can decide what the next right step might be.

Just an update. H is now sleeping on the couch (i didn't tell him to, he just did), we have no conversation, if we have to say something regarding financial or kids, then we email each other with the info. I am doing ok, I do have moments of anger and want to "GO OFF" on him, or email him that I think by his silence and not trying to prove himself that he is guilty of contact, but then i calm down when I know it will just start a yelling match or email fight going back and forth as it usually would end up. So I am keeping myself busy, don't know how long 2 people can live in the same house with silence, but I guess I will be the test guinea pig for it.