I haven't been here in a while, so here's a quick re-cap. My W (WS) has been involved in an EA (long-distance relationship) for over a year. It started as an internet friendship, but is now a full blown EA. She tells me he's just a friend, but she spends many hours a day on the phone/internet with him. She often tells him "I love you," (which she won't say to me anymore). She moved out of our room into an extra bedroom about a month ago. Before that, I was dumped out onto the couch for about a month. Her deal with me is telling me she's been asking me for 3 years to get help (counseling), fix the problems with me and so on. She has a point. I've made some big mistakes. I've been ignorant, stupid, arrogant. I've put her needs aside many times because they conflicted with my needs. I am responsible for all of that. <P>But she uses my mistakes to justify her behavior now. Yes, I've hurt her out of stupidity, but I have never made a conscious decision to hurt her. I believe she makes the decision to hurt me every day! I don't mind dealing with, fixing, taking responsibility for my screw-ups. But she's hammering me so she can justify carrying on her relationship with the OM. It's gotten really bad since Dec. of last year (2000). She took a trip and stayed with him over New Years. She did it again a couple of weeks ago. Before she left (a couple of weeks ago), I asked her to cancel her trip. She said "No." I told her that I thought we should go ahead and file for divorce. I know it was extreme, but here's why (and this is what I told her).<P>I believed she was committed to ending this marriage. That, in fact, she already had ended it. But for some reason, she wouldn't make the legal move. I believed she wanted to force me to make that move by treating me so badly that I'd file. She said she didn't want to divorce. She said it didn't feel right. But she goes on with the other relationship and puts NOTHING into our marriage.<P>I'm mad right now. I'm sick of being told what a creep I am so she can justify her selfish behavior and her relationship with this guy. I'm not perfect, far from it. But I'm a good guy. I've been very patient through the last several months, trying to give her the time she needs to sort things out, and working a lot on me, through counseling, reading (Relationship Rescue & Harley's stuff). I've come a long way, but she's still shutting me out.<P>I want to go home tonight and tell her that I'm reaching a limit. She's chipping away at what little is left at our relationship/marriage, and soon there won't be anything left. I want to tell her that the abuse has to stop. I won't be criticized so she can feel better about her selfishness. I'll happily be criticized in any constructive manner and in the presence of a counselor (for both of us). (By the way, we're both in counseling, separately, different counselors).<P>I'm just feeling like I'm at the end of my rope here.<P>Help.<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Hi BIll<P>I know what you feel by saying you think she is forcing you to file. That is how I felt with H. I did file on Jan2 and about 1 week ago, I rescinded my filing. Told H, if he wants to D me then he must file. I think he wanted me to do it so I would be bad guy and he wouldn 't have to tell everyone about his A.<P>My H is now in his 2nd A in less than a year, I called him a slut today and I am having a bad day.<P>Boohoo<P>HOpelessmom

Hi WLD:<P><BR>You know when my WS's A was new he did a lot of the same things your wife is doing. It's rationalizing to themselves to make them feel better about what they are doing....what better way to shift blame off of yourself then by finding someone else to blame.<P>The mistake you are making is accepting that blame. Sure you probably did some things wrong....we all do....but the problems is when an A happens the WS cannot see their mistakes....only the mistakes made by the other partner....and those mistakes are magnified and enhanced to make the A more acceptable to the WS in his own mind...a cause and effect relationship.<P>What you need to do is determine in your own mind (after some careful research on this board) what you have really been quilty of in terms of not being there for your wife. Then accept responsibility in only those areas of your relationship and acknowledge your mistakes (and it sounds like you've made a good start in this area) when your wife challenges you in those area. But don't accept just generalized blame....because there is enough to go around for each of us.<P>I know at first I was getting the blame for everything...but at some point I had to step back and tell myself...is he right or is he just rationalizing (a tendency he had anyway)?....and in each point he could make I could find a parallel point that reflected his own lack in this area. Didn't convince him, but he stopped trying to convince me I was the sole guilty party. Later he admitted that very little of what had happened was my fault...and that most of the problems were his. He still has the problems...but I believe he is working through them....at least I hope so.<P>Just have patience...remember you are in the thick of the A...the fog is dense and no one can see their way clearly...it's certainly not a time to make a decision as to which way to go. I know it seems as if Plan A is not having any effect but it is, but the changes your hoping for may be a little while in developing. Hang in there.<P><BR>Faye

Morning wld,<BR>Yikes, that ugly face caught my eye this morning! <BR>I am sorry you are still having to deal with the pain daily. How do you feel abt plan b? Remember affairs usually die a natural death.....they run their course so to speak. Can you keep some good feelings abt your w until this happens and she is ready to work on the problems? <BR>buffy is right abt sorting thru the blame. My h went thru a period where everything and anything was my fault. It is a miserable period to go thru. Seemed that when I refused to accept the blame, he started coming around and dealing with reality. <BR>(((((hugs))))) cl

Thanks y'all. I'm doing a lot better today. I came here almost daily in December and January, but haven't been hanging around much lately. I think it's because my emotional roller coaster calmed down a lot. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I almost forgot what a great support you guys and gals can be. Thank you.<P>I'm having a tough time walking the line of taking responsibility for my faults and mistakes while <I> not </I> taking responsibility for this whole mess. I know that a lot of the problems of our marriage are my responsibility, but I don't deserve what she's doing. So, I look at her and say to myself "What the hell is she doing? She's behaving so badly!" But then I pull back and say "but I'm no angel, I've screwed up too." But <I> then </I> I say "OK, I've screwed up, but I've never <B><I> intentionally </I></B> hurt her. She's making conscious decisions that hurt me every day!" <P>I don't want to loose sight of my responsibility. Long term, it's vital that I fix me. Then on the other hand, I don't want to take <I> any </I> responsibility for the outrageous things she's doing (her actions). I guess I'm trying to balance between fixing me and avoiding being abused by her.<P>Any thoughts?<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

The only way the abuse is going to stop is if you show her that you are serious about dissolving the marriage if she cannot commit to it. At this point you don't have a real marriage. She needs a reality check that her EA is preventing her from working on rebuilding her marriage. If this does not work than you may have to accept that she really does not want to be married to you. You may need to face this truth and move on with your life.

I feel for you. My H had a 3 month EA --I think its physical even though there wasn't sex...but anyway...The thoughts he'd have one day--hes having an affair-another minute they are just friends...but I could never find out...???<P>Anyway, I didn't see it, and I should have...<BR>My h never even raised his voice at me before..He had a lot happen at one time and I thought he was dealing with it okay, i did beg him to talk about things,,,he didn't.<BR>I say my part was that I didn't get his butt in counseling.<P>Let me tell you that he was mean...he called me manipulative and coniving one day and I completely couldn't understand what he was saying...I was just shocked...it didn't make sense...always fighting...<P>Towards the end before d-day...I was going around the house saying this phrase (for days) "Why can't you just be f****** nice to me for one day--just one f*****day"<BR>That was the switch...that was the next phase of mine from just standing and not knowing if I should move or what to say when he came home....I was in such unbelievable denial...<P>they start the fights, but see you as the one starting them...Nothing you do is right,,,everything is wrong..that was my ws. He now knows and is completely sickened by it. I was lucky though that it never got really physical. He wouldn't allow her to touch him...no hugs, etc. for a month and half after their second going a little to far...<BR>So, it was ending...because of his guilt...But he knew he was having an affair.<BR>It is those that only think their friends that is really hard to deal with. They won't stop, when they don't even have to deal with guilt...they are just friends..they are not doing anything wrong.<BR>when I found out it was never talk or see her again or I'm leaving...Next day it was over...and my H was out of the fog within a week...So, I don't think it was as strong-dying before I found out...he was thinking of ways to end it...just wasn't acting...so, i believe I was lucky.<BR>So, in this type of thing I don't know...plan Aing--she doesn't even think she is having an affair...plan B--does that wake them up...I don't know....I was divorcing when he said he couldn't not see her....<BR>And then he cut it off completely with her...it depends on the person...He was already mad at her on a couple of occasions for "f**** up" his life...So, maybe my H didn't have it as bad for her...he only wanted to be friends with her...She was just the good at what she was doing...and I think my H was extremely confused...