After uncovering my husband was having an affair with another woman 2 weeks ago. I am trying to decide whethter to meet and talk with her. <P>I know who she is and had met her once (4 months ago at a company function - she used to work with my husband) and I now would like to ask her some questions. For example: I'd like to know how she is feeling right now, about what the relationship meant to her, how she feels now that she has been found out, how she feels about her relationship with her husband, what did she think about when my children and I crossed her mind and what did she really want or expect out of a realtionship with my husband? I am not sure what getting answers to those questions will accomplish, but I'd like to know, so I am hesitating. She is unaware that I want to meet and talk with her and I don't particularly want her to be prepared and I don't want it to be a confronation ( ny husband has told her that I am not the type to make trouble for her and that he is glad she hasn't had to have a confrontation with me). My hesitation also is because my husband and I are staying together and working on our marriage. He has told her he is cutting off communmication with her, however, I wonder if she will respect that. My husband has told me he understands my not trusting him and questioning his love for me and knows that only time will show to me his love and comitment to us.<P>Can you see any reasons why I shouldn't or should speak with her? And if yes, are there questions you would suggest or to avoid?<P>Sincerely,<BR>I need <BR>Clarity2

Please, please do not contact. I contacted the OW and it was a mistake for the following reasons:<P>1. It gives her an excuse to call your husband and report on the conversation.<P>2. She will never tell you the truth. Why would she be honest with you?<P>Even though I completely understand your quest to know the truth, the whole truth, please do not contact her. It will not make you feel any better. From my personal experience, I am haunted by some of the things that she told me. I am certain that many things she said were designed to hurt me. Once again, contacting her will be a big mistake!!

Hi Clarity 2<P> Any relation to Clarity? anyway ditto above. Big liars!!<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Contact the OW (OP)? Sure, with a 2 by 4. It's the only thing they'll understand.<P>WAT

Don't do it! <P>#1 It gives OW power. She will know you are thinking about her. You don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she is even worth a single moment in your thoughts.<P>#2 You will never know if she answers your questions with truth or lies. One thing is certain, she is already a known deceiver.<P>#3 She is likely feeling foolish that your H so eagerly dumped her and went back to you to save his marriage. No doubt this hurt her.....in some way,self esteem, emotionally,pride. The chance that she will use this opportunity to try to make you feel badly (even if on the outside she appears as sweet as pie) is very great.<P>She is not worth it,not worth any further thought. You have a very remorseful H. You have a marriage in recovery and need to concentrate every ounce of your energy on healing and renewing. Move in a totally forward direction and leave OW in the dust.

I am/was a WS, and the OW. I echo the "don't do it" theme. If the OM's W had tried to talk to me at 2 weeks post d-day, I doubt there was much I could have said that would have actually helped her.<P>Even if the OW in your situation is out of the fog enough to think clearly, she may still evade or be deceitful in order to feel she is protecting herself or your H. Now, after a year, if the OM's W wanted to talk to me, I would try to do so if she honestly felt it would help her healing. But at two weeks I would have had less than nothing but guilt, shame, foggy thoughts and irrational anger to share. Stay away.

I guess I'm the dissenter here. Much of what I learned about the OW came from my phone call to her after she'd been seeing my H for one year (or so she said). I knew from the onset that I'd get more lies and deceit but that phone call still gave me much more to go on in the way of her personality and her type. She was a big talker, for one thing, and gave away priceless clues about herself and her relationship with my H without even being aware of it. The crazy thing was she would have kept on talking had I not told her that I had to hang up and go pick up my kids. <P>I do not regret for one minute my phone call to the OW. <P>

Double-edged sword here for sure. I talked to her online a couple of time in the first month my H came home. She also gave away bits that he didn't know. So, that was good. She and I were both "ladies". But she probably used that tostay incontact with my H, which she did and he didn't tell me. So, am I glad? I don't really regret it, she would have found another excuse anyway. I called her at work once in December because she was Iming him,after he told her no-contact Nov 10. I figured he didn't end it "HIS WAY",as he said. And I needed to get her out of MY life. WE were civil...But understand, this OW would take my H back in a second,if he wanted her. I know that and take everything she says with that knowledge. She says she's sorry> NO< Because she would do it agian in a heartbeat. She didn't believe anything I said anyway because at that point he had not told her that he never loved her. She thought they were like star-crossed lovers and he was only here for duty.She has been told by my H, on the phone,with me on the extension without her knowing I was there. So, MY talking to her didn't work.<BR>The OWs of the world don't think about anyones agenda but their own. They don't care about our kids or memories or if our Hs are mean to us. It's a competitive thing,they want to be taken out of their lives and take over ours, without the work and commitment we put into it.If you talk to her, keep that in mind. She, to her small credit, didn't say stuff to hurt me but only because she knew it would make her look worse in my Hs eyes. That MAY be her next move.

Well, I have a mixed answer for you. I did contact the ow and ended up having about an eight week email exchange with her. Now, before you rush off and make contact, let me tell you that I knew her and actually considered her a friend. We attended the same church.<P>In the long run only you can make the decision about making contact with her. I urge to think it through very carefully, as you seem to be doing. You are wise to seek counsel from those of us who have "been there, done that"...about the wisdom of this plan and about what to ask.<P>First, what <B>not</B> to ask. Don't ask for details of the affair. Her version is not important to you and your marriage. Keep in mind that two people in the same room will probably describe that room so differently after leaving that you would swear they were never in the same place. This is especially true if they are of the opposite sex....women and men see and remember things differently.<P>I would also not ask any opinion or "feelings" questions. An affair is built on lies and deceit. What people <I>think</I> they feel is usually pretty far off the mark of what they <I>know</I> they feel once it is all over. Anyway, what she feels about you and your husband and children is irrelevant. I asked the ow in our case how she could face us at church knowing she was having an affair with my husband and she gave me some line about caring about us and praying for us. She was rationalizing just as much as my husband was...if not more...she was the instigator of the affair.<P>If you do make contact, take the high road. If the conversation takes a negative or angry turn, walk away. You won't regret behaving in a manner that shows breeding and dignity. Yes, you can absolutely express your anger to her in a very clear way without embarrassing yourself.<P>Should you or shouldn't you? I can't say for sure. It helped me to a great degree, but it also connected me to her in a potentially unhealthy way. We didn't need her in our lives and our correspondence might have prolonged our stay in that church a little bit. I don't know for sure. We are now at another church and extremely happy. On the positive side, the emails gave me a great chance to set the record straight and to tell her of my anger in no uncertain terms. By emailing I was able to write and review and make sure I said what I wanted to. It may have helped my husband too, in that I didn't focus my anger at her on him....he got his share for sure, but he didn't need hers too.<P>Move carefully and slowly. I believe you have a right to tell this woman to stay away from your family...that none of you want anything to do with her ever again. But you must be sure that you don't cross a line that will cause you more pain than you've already experienced.<P>If you have a relationship with God, I encourage you to seek His counsel on this. He has led me every step of the way for the past 3 years and He hasn't let me down yet. He will give you the answers you need.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Clarity2:<BR><B>After uncovering my husband was having an affair with another woman 2 weeks ago. I am trying to decide whethter to meet and talk with her. <P>I know who she is and had met her once (4 months ago at a company function - she used to work with my husband) and I now would like to ask her some questions. For example: I'd like to know how she is feeling right now, about what the relationship meant to her, how she feels now that she has been found out, how she feels about her relationship with her husband, what did she think about when my children and I crossed her mind and what did she really want or expect out of a realtionship with my husband? I am not sure what getting answers to those questions will accomplish, but I'd like to know, so I am hesitating. She is unaware that I want to meet and talk with her and I don't particularly want her to be prepared and I don't want it to be a confronation ( ny husband has told her that I am not the type to make trouble for her and that he is glad she hasn't had to have a confrontation with me). My hesitation also is because my husband and I are staying together and working on our marriage. He has told her he is cutting off communmication with her, however, I wonder if she will respect that. My husband has told me he understands my not trusting him and questioning his love for me and knows that only time will show to me his love and comitment to us.<P>Can you see any reasons why I shouldn't or should speak with her? And if yes, are there questions you would suggest or to avoid?<P>Sincerely,<BR>I need <BR>Clarity2 </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Clarity2:<BR><B> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you,<BR>I cannot get over the fantastic responses I received regarding contacting the OW. <BR>Some of you mentioned issues I was already concerned about and some I had not even thought of. The different view points and experiences are so helpful. At this time of night I am not going to say whether I will contact her or not. <BR>I do feel I would like to take a little more time and see just how my H shows me it is absolutely over ( by no contact), however, there is always ways to make contact (so I will continue to keep a watchful eye). Most importantly, I want to see and truely know that I am the one he wants and that I am the one he is in love with and wants to be with. I know that sounds a little corny but I want him to want me or why be together with no passion!<P>Thanks again for your terrific insight and support!<P>Clarity2