My W is having trouble dealing with why The OM happened. She feels that her core believes about herself have been shattered. She never thought she could do something like this and doesn't feel that she can trust herself to follow the Honesty step. I have told her that I understand those feelings, and want to explore them, but she refuses counseling because, she had a difficult time with it when she was in High School. I am concerned about her . I told her how concerned about her I was and that regardless of what happens, she needs to deal with this for her own sake. WE came very close to divorce this weekend. She told me she couldn't get by these feelings. She has told me she ended it with the OM and that he called her a couple of weeks ago just to talk. What should I do. Should I give up. Should I hang in there . This has been going on since September. I found out in November and she left on Thanksgiving. I told her she could not see me until she ended it, but she lied about that and did not end it until the end of February. She tells me that she doesn't understand why she did it, and can't understand why she could not tell the OM to not call her again. She also tells me she doesn't know why she won't jump at the chance to repair the marriage. What can I do. any help would be appreciated<P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Mark - suggest you get an appointment with Steve Harley soon. If your wife is being honest now, sounds like she's in withdrawal - good for you. Get Surviving an Affair - or one of the other popular affair topic books - and get smart real fast. This is recoverable. Don't dare give up at this point. Three most important things to do right now for your wife - validate, validate, validate her feelings. Be supportive and listen and be her friend. Be there for her. You'll get your turn later.<P>WAT

Mark H:<BR>Hello Mark! Well...I certainly am not an expert and am still swimming myself to find answers. I am the WS and never thought I would ever find myself in this situation either - just like your wife.<P>Honesty step??? WOW...that is toughie for me -I havent told my husband and still cannot decide if I will or not. The honesty she has displayed with you is certainly a beginning, and I understand the part of where she couldnt tell the OM not to call her again only because until the fog lifts your behavior is totally unpredictable and she herself will look back - only minutes afer saying/doing something and thinking to herself - what did I just do???? Tis a big long winding rollercoaster.<P>Slowly the fog comes in and out and hopefully eventually leaves but DONT GIVE UP!!!! She took the first step to avoid contact with OM. Be supportive and patient - dont love bust and tell her you will work thru this together.<BR>That would be the most helpful thing I could ever hope to hear my husband tell mee.<P>

I was also a WS, and I had a terrible time understanding why A happpened. Counseling helped me a little. She needs to understand that she is and can be again the same good,honest persoon she was before the A. She needs to know that she is/was human and made a terrible mistake. She is not now defined by the mistake. Your unflagging belief in her could really help. My H told me he knew I wasn't a terrible person even when I felt like a terrible person. You are still there. Remind her of that. You have proven by staying that she is worth living through this with. It is hard for a basically decent person to learn to take responsibility for such a terrible act, and learn to live with the guilt. Her remorse sounds sincere, as does you commitment to help her. You can get through this together. <P>Also- Her inability to resist the OM is very common. It is like an addiction. People addicted to drugs, alcohol, make very poor decisions, repeatedly, even when they know how wrong and destructive the behavior is. That's why MB recommends no contact with the OP. Even if she has intellectually decided to stay in the marriage, until she gets through withdrawal, she will have inconsistent feelings which are very disconcerting to you both. <p>[This message has been edited by Clouds (edited April 03, 2001).]