Even if you feel like you've "detached" lovingly...or let go yourself....does anyone else have "triggers" regarding their WS's action towards the kids???<P>I'm in the process of giving my H his entire "freedom" to live his "new" life....and I feel peace regarding it. I know I can go forward and have been doing so for some time.<P>I don't really have much of a problem with thoughts of the OW...even the baby. I actually feel sorry for them..what a mess. <P>My thoughts turn to anger when I think of the way my H has treated the kids. When I think of our eldest D wandering into his closet to look at the cloths (slippers/robes)that he left, and the sad poems she wrote I feel anger. I also feel anger when I listen to my son talk about the wonderful memories of his dad....(of course at 15 months they are fading) and things we did here. I feel angry about the nights I layed with our 5 year old who cried for her daddy and would call him and he would hang up if she didn't talk fast enough.<P>I guess i have to keep reminding myself that he is not really himself...that the self that we knew is just buried under the hard shell he has wrapped around himself.<P>It is just so hard to try to explain any of this to the kids. So believe it or not...it is not the affair or aftereffects (baby) that get to me at all. The affair isn't even the problem... but when my thoughts drift to the behavior towards the kids.....I begin to lose my PMA>><P>Any helpful suggestions.....

TT - my thoughts are with you and your kids. I cannot imagine a parent separating themselves from their children. Maybe I'm more sensitive to this having lost one. Too many parents do not appreciate how quickly they can be taken from you.<P>My only suggestion is to continue to love them. Some things cannot be explained fully. As they grow up, they will adopt their own views, regardless of what you try to explain. Love and protect then and they will prosper.<P>Dave

Thanks Dave, I will continue to do that...every once in a while...I feel the overwhelming pain that I know they must feel. Realizing that my H is feeling pain also.<P>My H is really going through an identity crisis...most likely due to not dealing with the loss of his own father at age 46 and his brother at age 18 and hitting the age of 45 himself... It's such a shame that so many people can see what is going on, but they can't.<P>Faith has been my guiding light during this whole struggle,and I'm trying to make faith be my children's guiding light as well.

TT, I too pretty much feel the same way about my kids and their dad. I pains me to think that he is putting their interests first. LOL <P>If I didn't have 3 small kids, I am not sure I would do all this. Maybe that is something I need to think about. I am ready to say "go" but don't involve the kids. I think I will have to do that to protect them from him and his selfish behavior. <P>I have 3 kids (5,3,2). My 3 cries all the time for daddy now and even cries in her sleep and has night terrors. Even if i told H about all this, I would be making it up or saying it to make him feel guilty, he would say. Why bother. My H is invoved with #2 woman. She is widow of 1 year and has 3 kids of her own.<P>Take care. <P>Hopelessmom

I'll tell you what gets to me in regards to the kids.<P>When we were together, she had no time for them. She would not even get out of the car to pick up son from school. Just waited for him at the curb.<P>Then she starts the affair. Spends 30 hours a week with f**kbuddy in addition to 60 hours a week at work. Beg her to spend some time with the kdis. Always refuses.<P>We separate. She blows off 400 hours of her visitation in the first three months. Only my very liberal adjustment of her time allowed her to see them at all.<P>Now, one year later, she is trying to portray herself as super mom. She tells me that she is going to take her two weeks vacation with the kids during my summer time "because she wants to use all the time she is allowed." Well maybe you should have thought of that before you walked out.<P>Then the capper (so far, anyway). Son's school open house. I find out monday for the thursday event. I honestly forget to tell her. She is supposed to bring daughter back that night, so I don't think it is a big deal that she shows an hour earlier to go to the open house. Only then does she bother to tell me that she has to work until 8 pm and won't have daughter back until 11 pm (2-3 hour drive between houses). Then she starts telling me how it hurts her when I don't tell her about these events. <P>Oh waaaaaa, I'm the victim, feel sorry for me!<P>So I tell her that it was her decision to start the affair, her decision to leave her family, and despite everyones best efforts, sometimes things will fall through the cracks. This would not have happened had you not made the decisions you made. So don't cry to me and try to make yourself the victim.<P>Oh yeah, and by the way, what the heck are you doing working during your time with our daughter? You are working a minimum wage job because you said you wanted to spend more time with the kids, then on the two days you have her, you work? Go get your old job back and start paying some child support.<P>Is it any wonder she hung up on me?<P>Thanks for letting me vent.