My W is having trouble dealing with why The OM happened. She feels that her core believes about herself have been shattered. She never thought she could do something like this and doesn't feel that she can trust herself to follow the Honesty step. I have told her that I understand those feelings, and want to explore them, but she refuses counseling because, she had a difficult time with it when she was in High School. I am concerned about her . I told her how concerned about her I was and that regardless of what happens, she needs to deal with this for her own sake. WE came very close to divorce this weekend. She told me she couldn't get by these feelings. She has told me she ended it with the OM and that he called her a couple of weeks ago just to talk. What should I do. Should I give up. Should I hang in there . This has been going on since September. I found out in November and she left on Thanksgiving. I told her she could not see me until she ended it, but she lied about that and did not end it until the end of February. She tells me that she doesn't understand why she did it, and can't understand why she could not tell the OM to not call her again. She also tells me she doesn't know why she won't jump at the chance to repair the marriage. What can I do. any help would be appreciated. Last night She was very distance and Seems to have retreated.She seemed to have trouble looking me in the eyes. I told her That right now she need a safe and comfortable place to be and I wanted her to feel that. She is working extra hours right now and we are on different schedules but it's important because she has found her dream job and I support that. How can I help her find her way out of this and make her feel good about herself again.------------------<BR>Mark H<P><P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Mark,<BR>It is good that the fog is clearing enough that she wonders how she could do this...but if it has only been since Feb, she'll still be having some foggy thinking, some withdrawal.<P>A bad experience in high school with a counselor is really no reason not to try a different one, now that she is an adult. Unless you know the details & truly feel her story is valid (as I don't), it's just an excuse. If a bad experience in high school with anything kept us from trying as an adult...there would be a whole lot less going on in the world.<P>Infidelity is really difficult to get through without a good counselor. How about a pastor or other religious leader? Steve Harvey is available for phone counseling through this site.<P>If she isn't looking you in the eyes, that could be a lot of things--guilt, dishonesty, shame, loss of her self-esteem, the affair still continuing. But it isn't a good sign.<P>Read all you can on Plan A. And, even if she still refuses, you can benefit by going to a counselor alone to help you sort through your issues and how to deal with her.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Mark,<P>How is going today?<P>It sounds as though you are in a tough spot right now. But things will get better.<P>Encourage your wife to read the Marriage Builder information. It may help her to realize that she is not a horrible person, just one that coped with a bad situation in a less than optimal way.<P>Even if she won't go to counseling, you might want to consider it for yourself. A good counselor may be able to give you some "tools" for dealing with this that I and the others on this board cannot think of.<P>All the best to you.<BR>--HBC

Mark, you appear to be doing all the right things. Continue to make her feel safe and secure. She appears to be having remorse and that is a very good sign. Just continue to Plan A and be strong. You are doing a good job.