. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Rodger,<P>I can't remember exactly but has this story change since when you first posted? Are you saying now after all of the version of story, you W now say none of this happened? And have you protected yourself from the STD that she has?<P>Sorry for the list of questions but I am quite amazed at all the this.<P>EE

<P><p>[This message has been edited by EE (edited April 04, 2001).]

Hi Roger, <P>When I first read your post, the I read the first sentence as: "My wife was a flirtatous woman in China." Then I had to read it again and saw the word virtuous. But the rest of the account made me think that the word flirtatous matched better. I am not trying to be mean. <P>Your account has me worried. Would this not be important if you did this to her? Where is her concern for you and your feelings? Or are you just expected to 'tough it'?<P>Roger, you keep bringing this up. This shows you are still bothered by what you are being told by your wife. From what you have posted, I would be concerned also. Someone wrote the other day about remorse, repentance and another R word (sorry too much coffee this morning and going to too many meetings at work). Do you see either of these attitudes in your wife? <P>I worry about your emotional status. Can you meet or talk with someone (counselor or personal friend)? <P>We will keep supporting you here but I think you need to have personal support as well. <P>Just my thoughts. <BR>L.<BR> <P>

Hi .<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Hi Rodger,<P>I am so glad that you posted. Wasn't sure if any of the posts were offensive to you or something happened and you are very depress and don't want to post.<P>You said that maybe when your W learns English, she will be able to talk to you. How are you communicating now? I am sure she knows enough English that she can at least talk to you. Do you speak Chinese? The language is very expressive if you understand however, the translation to English does not come close, therefore I am concern that you and your W is not communicating at the same level.<P>>>A friend of mind told me today that people in China don;t have the same valuse we have<< This is sad but true. I think what I have been trying to tell you is that most people in China grew up with 'life is too short so don't dwell on the past'. I think this is why your W cannot understand that why you have not gotten past it. I am not saying it is right for your W to have done this but simply that in her mind, there is nothing wrong going out drinking with men at any hours. <P>So what are your feelings now? It's hard for us to help and support without knowing how you feel. <P>EE

Hi EE,<BR>Thanks for the insight into Chinese thinking. Yet I know many people from China who still would never do what my wife did. Perhaps she is not even to blame and it was a date rape. I just don't know what to think. She claims the second time that the landlord let the policeman into her room and hence she was stuck. However I looked on the internet for an interpreter and had that person phone the landlord and the landlord denied she let any policeman intop my wife's room. So that investigation did not help because who knows if she is telling the truth. My wife claims she is a jealous woman because my wife got to go to the West. But a few days later the landlord did say a policeman came to the door looking for my wife. So from this bit of information I think well maybe he did come there before but maybe late at night when the landlord was sleeping. So to me it is still a bit of a puzzle. I am just wanting the true story. I am not sure what detail I am after, what confession will make me satisfied to what level of detail my wife should go. I forgive her (will not divorce her) even if if was just a two night fling with a handsome policeman. No matter what the policeman should have known better than to take advantage of my wife which I still think he did. So having this policeman help my wife led to circumstances that were unexpected for me and maybe my wife. Probably she did not plan on it but then again no one plans on an affair to happen. You set up the right circumstances and it happens. My feeling is to investigate what happened in China. Of course my wife would not like it because she would say I do not trust her. But so far she has had several different versions of stories. The dates and times have changed and also the exact details. I think really she did not want to tell me anything which she has admitted but because I insisted she told me something but not a completely accurate story. She seems to be able to make up a story and not think anything of it if it is not totally the truth. Maybe she was just brought up to do whatever is practical whatever is needed to survive. So if sex is needed to survive then sex it is and there is no emotional attachment and no guilt and no thinking about it afterwards. SO it can still be compatible with her not liking it but her sense of needing to do what needs to be done takes a higher priority. The fact that the policeman was very handsome and attractive to women didn't hurt I imagine. For me I am trying to move on and forget but yet at the same time I like the true story. But Why I want the true story, I don't know. I can just assume the worst that she liked this guy and had sex. But probably that's not it. It probably bother's me that she is not as capable, not as perfect and doesn't have as much self esteem as I thought she should have. Maybe I want some assurance it doesn't happen again. I think it was just the shock of it all when I thought I had a perfect dream it got suddenly shattered. My heart was broken in half. It takes time to mend a broken heart. I felt totally betrayed. My wife is able to communicate a whole story to me in broken ENglish but the expressive details she cannot. Maybe sometimes she just makes up a story that is easy to say because telling the real story and explaining about Chinese culture and explaining her exact feelings is jut too hard to do. There is no Chinese friend that she confides in to tell the whole story either. In her mind probably as you said is that fact that life is short so why dwell on the past. Actuall she said something like this. She said you might think and think ten years and then be dead. She said what is the use of that? Her words are very practical but emotions are hard to get rid of. I have heard in the past that when the Chinese execute people there is no emotion attached. They just do what needs to be done. So probably my wife did what she thought had to be done and that's all. Later when she saw the consequences and saw she got a disease then she felt it was not as good to do what she did. If she did not get a disease I would never have known. We both would have been happy. It never would have bothered her what she did. She said she never planned to tell me. I guess why should she? But in this case she had to because the doctor phoned me and reported the STD. Maybe I want to find the real story and then confront her and say why didn't you tell me the real story. On the other hand I don't really want to cause any more trouble and anger. So maybe I just want a quiet invetigation, find out the truth and never let it be known I did this. I think I am just going trhough ups and downs. It has been six weeks. I get along fine with my wife. She is the same as when I first met her except that this thing happened in December. However she is attractive and can easily attract the wrong kind of man. Even in her school a man already went for her. But she told me, I reported it and he got disciplined. Then her friend took her to a Chinese doctor and the doctor started to take an interest in her. So I thought I better get her a female doctor. Now I have to watch everything. I am not sure what I am feeling or what I need. I know my thinking is no good.

Rodger,<P>Sorry about the last message being a bunch of words. Trying to reply in between phone calls and meetings.<P>Let me try again. How you feel about wanting to know the truth is very normal. I think all of the BS have this need to know the real story. It is also common for WS not wanting to tell the whole story. I think the WS sometime don't even know what the truth is, how it happen, why it happen, let alone explain it to us. I think at this point, it is very unlikely that you will find out anymore about what happen no matter how much time you spend calling China.<P>Your W maybe able to just come up with a story with whatever is convenient due to conditioning. They are taught to be adaptable under all condition. The question is can you live with this? Can you live with a person like this? You know that it would be very difficult to change her given that she is probably set in this way. <P>Also, I am not sure she will able to display the kind of remorse that you are looking for in order to move on. I think most of them are brought up with a great sense of station in life. You said she calls herself a high class lady, well, I told you about my H's xOW, she also said she's a high class lady and is university educated. This woman was also willing to dance and dine with whomever her employer tell her to because 'that's just the way it is'. I think Orchid asked you in another post whether you are sure that your W did not marry you because she can come West. You mention in your last post that the landlord was jealous because your W has the opportunity to come West. That is a very big deal in China. Have you thought about that? Sorry if this is a sensitive question.<P>At present, I think you should sought out whether you can go on trying to build/rebuild a marriage with knowing that you will have a big difference in thinking and value with your W.<P>I must run now but please take care and do post when you feel down.<P>EE<P>ps IMHO, I have not met a man from China that is even close to attractive. The first turn off was their attitude, regardless of what they look like.<BR>

Roger,<P>You said something interesting in your last post that your wife is even attracting men here in the states. While it is not unusual to have a beautiful wife and some may even try to flirt with her. How is she handling it? Are you expected to 'defend her honor' or can she handle it or does she want to handle it? <P>I don't want to see her wear you out defending her honor so to speak by giving others reason to flirt with her. Women can control how they give those signals as well as men can control how they recieve and respond to them. Manner of dress, action, facial expression, etc. Watch how you wife is communicating with her facial and body language. <P>This is hard. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. <P>L.