Hello all,<P>I follow all your stories almost everyday. But my own marriage is such a mess that I don't feel that I should be offering advice to anybody. Sympathy I have in abundance and that I can give freely.<P>I would just like some opinions on the latest developments of my own saga. <P>My H has had no contact with our children in almost 6 months. I have spoken to him 3 times in that time period, most of it acrimonious. He wants a D and I have told him to do it himself. He has been having an affair with OW for over a year and living with her for nearly as long. His departure was precipitious and I think involved little thought on his part. <P>About 6 weeks ago as a result of general unhealth, my family doctor found a possible tumour. I have seen a surgeon who says that it is probably benign. But I have to have further tests and possibly a biopsy after Easter. <P>Despite my H's lack of recent interest, I felt that my health situation warranted me contacting him. He has been incrediblely kind and interested and has even said that he will resume contact with the children. We will meet shortly to determine a viable course of action, there has been a lot of damage done to them by his neglect. <P>I am trying very hard to be appreciative of his attention but there is a part of me that says that his interest stems from an avoidance of a possibly expensive divorce if my condition turns out to be serious.<P>Should I take him at face value or hold part of myself back in case, he doesn't get what he wants and finds himself still faced with pursuing the whole ugly business through the courts? I know I have I am looking at the worst possible outcome, but I don't want to rely on him for support in case this situation develops into the worst case scenario and his concern is entirely out of self-interest.<P>Hope<p>[This message has been edited by hope257 (edited April 04, 2001).]

I dont claim to be an expert either, but I am trying this at home. LOL<P>I think you have to go into it with no expectations. Keep your other avenues of support, just be glad he will reconnect with the kids a little, but dont expect anything of him. <P>I really can not be as cynical as to think he is happy that you could have a serious problem... Altho, I must say the exact same thought has crossed my mind since I have a history of Breast ca. They are all such conflict avoiders Im sure alot of us have felt they wished we would be magically gone so the could move on with no fuss. <P>I hope everything turns out OK for you, keep us posted OK?<BR>Lora

Hi Hope:<P>Six months is a long time to remain angry...especially when you are considered the offending party by most of the world.<BR>Give your H the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he has just been looking for a reason to get back in contact. Maybe his guilt makes it hard for him. <P>Maybe he is just facing the possible loss of you permanently from his life...after all you've probably been there in the background...a comforting thought, I think.<BR>Reality check maybe...sounds like it might be time. <P>Whatever the reason, for your children's sake make the most of this situation to bring this WS back into contact with his children. You never know what might develop as a result.<P>Faye <BR>

Thank you both for your replies.<P>I know from your posts that your H is a conflict avoider. Mine is definitely the same. And always has been. I don't think he is happy about my situation but I can see where he would breathe a sigh of relief to know that I might be magically gone. If you have come across any advice or books on how to deal with conlict avoiders I would love to hear about them.<P>I am of course delighted that he is willing to see the children again. But I believe the OW will be none to pleased about the situation and am worried about exposing them to further pain if under pressure he decides to withdraw from them again. But it is a risk I will have to take.<P>Yes buffy he is dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt. He is a MLCer and cannot himself believe that he could be capable of doing something like this. I am trying to be warm and accepting of his kindness but am really concerned that I might allow myself to believe that he still has feelings for me and end up getting hurt again.<P>Hope