Too much time thinking these days! I don't think that in the last 10 years that I've been married that I've ever heard my H tell me that I am beautiful. Why does this all of the sudden matter? I don't know. I think because I see the posts where men are talking so lovingly about their wives and how beautiful they are and how much they love them, and I haven't felt that way in a long, long time, if ever. <P>I need so badly to be loved, and just don't know if my H will ever love me again like I want and need to be loved. It hurts so much knowing that someone else was who he felt that way about, and not me. It's been almost 2 years since I can honestly remember him telling me that he loved me and it's starting to kill me inside.<P>It was the one year anniversary of D-Day this week, and he's been out of town for work since Sunday. I guess things are just really bugging me again today.....

Hi Hurtingil:<P>I think I understand what you mean...the husband that's just there...been beside you for years...yet he's really never been there for you...the one person who you need to feel thinks you're the most special person in the world makes no special effort to make you feel that way...never really appreciates you...takes you for granted...never even tells you you look nice although other men say you're beautiful.<P>And this silent spouse one day just up and finds himself a OW who no one else in the world would want...and thinks she's the greatest thing in the world....and even though she's ugly as a mud fence...he thinks she's beautiful...and proceeds to tell you how wonderful she is.<P>But as I've sat here in the last year I've come to understand that it's true that you don't love a person because of who they are but because of how they make you feel about yourself. As I was sitting in the local MacD's<BR>this week I noticed a young girl and boy sitting in a booth nearby and observed that the girl seemed so happy and excited to be with this guy...her face was so radiant...she was just beautiful. <P>I thought to myself...have I ever looked at my H with that kind of admiration...has he ever seen that admiration in my eyes...I don't think so. But I bet that he saw it in the eyes of OW and perhaps that's what made her beautiful.<P>I often read that if you don't feel something then you need to fake it until you do. I don't know if I can recover the feeling I use to have for my H or even if I can find any area that I can still find to admire...or even know if I'm capable of making him feel that admiration. <BR>All I know is that love is more then just being there, doing what what is proper and expected to be rewarded for it with undying lowe and appreciation.. the trick is to give the kind of love that is appreciated.<P>My WH and I have been separated for nearly a year and it seems like we grow more distant every day...OW is gone, but the damage has been done. What does it matter who is to blame....change has to start with someone...why can't it be me.<P>You still have a chance because it seems like your H is at home and trying....maybe it's not too late.<P><BR>Faye<P>

Hang in there J. Take whatever comfort you can from knowing That I and many others here know how you feel. There will be sun, but also rain.<P>Dave

hurtinginil,<P>I know exactly how you feel right now. It is very painful. I have only found relief by doing things to take my mind off of it. You may just have to take a big breath and decide that you will create your own happiness. When you are at peace, you can be a better wife. Its also easier not to LB. He will notice these thing s about you. He may or may not say them to you but you will see a change in the way he responds to you. It may not be the exact response you are looking for. Keep in mind that men often respond differently then we think they should. I have learned to appreciate my H's response to me even though its not always the one I really want. I do know, though, that it's his way of communicating.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

Hurtinginil,<P>Hi! I haven't seen you around much on the forum, guess I was hoping it was because things were getting a little better. But I see that is not the case. You know that I know your pain. In fact, I remember saying to you, "Who meets our needs for love, compassion, and admiration?" You told me our children, and you're right they do but as adults, we need the love of an adult too. I sit here typing this as the tears of pain and sadness roll down my face for you, me and all the other BS longing to be loved. We have each here and for now I guess it will have to get us through.<P>Don't be alone this week. You've got a friend near by and she's here for you with a big shoulder to cry on, and two good ears to listen for as long as you need to talk. Call me.

Thanks so much everyone! I am just having a hard time this week as D-Day anniversary was Monday and H is out of town on business. Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself....<P>Dave---maybe going off meds wasn't such a good idea---the tears are starting to run like faucets again....<P>Aries---you have mail

Sweetie, you're going off of your meds, and I'm sure that the withdrawal is playing a big part in your depression right now. That and the fact that your H's gone and Birdbeak is there I'm sure is a huge stress factor. Try not to think about it - he was honest with you. He's not going to be working with her much longer.<P>You have a rough road. Make no mistake about that. But at least you know now that your H is going to be travelling it with you. It's a start. You both are going to have to work at your marriage in order to get it where you both want it, but you can do it!<P>Are you much of a reader? That's a great way to get your mind off of the bad things (a wonderful, wonderful brain candy book is Gentle Rogue by Johanna Lindsey - corny title, but honey, it's a bone melter!) But dwelling is the worst thing that you can do. <P>Good luck. My home phone is finally back up (it was down due to the earthquake), so feel free to call me.

Hi CB! Yes, I'm trying to take my mind off of things this week with H gone for work. I painted middle daughter's bedroom---stripes no less, so I've been pretty busy. <P>It's just hard to try to hold our marriage together when it seems like he may never love me again---who knows maybe he never really has. Sometimes I think it would be better to be on my own. That way I can be myself without constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm meeting his needs, and on and on. All of this, and none of my needs are being met right now. The way he sees it, mine don't matter. Only his---after all, he never did anything wrong to push him into having an A. I feel like I'm always being tested as to whether or not I'm doing a good enough job, and I'm pretty damn sick of it.<P>Just whining tonight.....