Hello,<BR>This is my first time posting a message. A little over a month ago my H told me how unhappy he was inour marriage of 16 years, how he didn't love himself and needed space. I found out there is another woman who he claims is a friend.<BR>He still lives at home and went to council as soon as he told me all this he said he wants to talk alone. My question everything is fine unless I start to ask any questions, could somone give any advice on what I should do,remain quiet and give him time or ask questions. I feel so alone and unsure of how to act I don't want to push him out the door.<BR>Thanks,<BR>PHK

My ?s also always ended unpleasantly. He felt very uncomfortably with them (wouldn't you), but at the same time, I HAD to know. I also figured out my response to his answers were not making it easy.<P>Remember the goal is to get honest answers, not more lies. When in these discussions, try to act more like a friend then a W. Do not get mad at the answers he does give you or he won't give you anymore, he'll continue to lie and give the answers he thinks you want to hear.<P>Listen to him, be his friend, and come here to vent.

Mu husband has a similar problem. Dday for me was 8 weeks ago.I noticed that he will only talk if I start. I can tell that he is reluctant. This week, I decided we would not talk if he didn't initiate it. Guess what? No chat so far going on day 5. I'm not sure how long this can go on, but I'm tired of seeming like the bad guy just because I want us to talk about our issues. <P>My advice, read, read, read. That way you can understand what he is thinking and then tailor your discussions with that in mind.<P>Hang in there. There are lots of us going through the same thing with you.

Thanks very hurt and Exxon I guess I will just be quiet for a while it is so hard. I wonder how we got to the place we are in right now and if he still loves me. Any nice things I am doing now since this all came to a head he is telling me yea now you are acting nice if he does not communicate am I suppossed to be a mind reader. Well I am going to do some more reading, and just sit and wait for his next move I have two children seven and twelve so I want to keep things as calm as I can for them too. I wonder if he is still talking to the other W he told me no, but that that can change. It is hard to be nice when you are getting treated like dirt, but I guess he thought I was not treating him so good in the past or this would not have happened, right. Oh man am I ever so confussed.

. <p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

Reply to Rodger<BR>Do you think my H is being honest when he tells me his relationship with the other W is just a friendship? Maybe he is wondering if he should take the next step and that is why he went to get council. He also told me this has nothing to do with me it is about himself and there is nothing I can do right now, I don't understand that. Did your W move out or is she willing to work things out don't you think if they want to work things out that it will take two of us to do that. That is why I think my H is still making his mind up as to if he wants our marriage or the other W. I feel like this is all my fault and hope it is not to late. Please everyone say a special prayer for me and my family today and I will keep you all in mine.

Hi PHK,<P>Speaking as a man and having listened to many of my friend's stories, NO, I do not think your husband is honest. A man in an affair will always say the other woman is just a friend. Why should he admit something else? He thinks it doesn't pay off to admit something else. He does not want to talk about it or some ugly details might come out. Probably simply it is because he is uncomfortable to talk about the bad thing he did. He does not want to face you and if he can just avoid the issue he will be happy but you will not be. In once case I know, the husband did not explain anything for two years. He had moved out. Then the wife wrote the husband a letter to express her feelings. The husband broke down (was already living with someone else) and decided because his ex-wife was basically a good woman to tell her the truth in a long letter. After that the husband was happier and so was the wife. She could now heal and recover. The husband did not want the wife to feel bad that he had an affair. So the normal response from a husband in this case is to tell the wife it has nothing to do with her it only has to do with himself. In fact there may be no one thing that is big enough to have caused the affair. Yes he may not like some things about you but even in his mind these are all minor things and mentioning them will make them seem bigger than life. Even if you have a major fault, if he is a good person he will not want you to feel any worse than you already feel. My wife was willing to work things out. It was up to me to tell her to go or not and I decided I would rather be with my wife than to have my wife married to another man. I still love the many good qualities of my wife but I just can't imagine why she did what she did. Maybe she already told me but I just still can't accept that it happened. The reason is because it seemed like a perfect dream. My marriage was a perfect dream. This dream got shattered. I don't think it is all your fault. A new relationship or to have sex with a new person is always very exciting compared to having sex with one's partner. But we have to have principles, values and self esteem to keep away from these temptations. ut everyone knows this or should know this and would have said they know this before the affair happened. Then the special circumstance, the temptation, the moment of weakness the minute of not thinking, not seeing that a situation will lead to something happens. A new woman or man affects our emotions deeply. We think we are in love. The new person doesn't have all the complaints of the old husband or wife. No, they are only fun. Maybe the wife does not want to waste money on restaurants. The new woman enjoys late night dining, late night talks etc. The new person is just so exciting. But once the bad spouse leaves the wife and married the new person, a few years later the new person becomes the same as the old spouse. responsibility sets in. The problems of life get in the way of just having fun. I think you have to balance quiet with asking a few questions. You have to be diplomatic and sensitive to your husband's feelings. You have to get the right timing to ask questions. You have to slowly brainwash him to beleive that answering a few questions will help the realtionship heal. If he wants the relationship to heal and some person or article can tell your husband that he should do this or that then he may change his attitude. Asking in the wrong way will drive your partner away. Maybe you should keep a diary of your feelings that you somehow accidently leave out in the open where he happens to run across it in a few months. Maybe for now just keep a daily diary of your thoughts and feelings. I think this can be a therapy for you. I am doing the same. In my case my wife does not speak much English. Maybe someday she can read my thoughts. Maybe some day she can talk about it. But I think the longer we wait the more they will want to forget it and the more details they will actually forget or at least say they forget. Or you can be straight forward with your husband and say that for therapy you are writing a daily journal to help you to get over it. Tell him it is private and confidential but you need to do this for your sanity. Tell him you love him and really want the marriage to work and that you will try to not bother your husband with questions. Then he might be curious to know what you wrote especially if he loves you. But never show him until the timing is right. Then in your journal say that "the one thing I would really like my husband to tell me is ...." Ask yourself why you need this information and if the answer is this... then what? If the answer is that... then what? If your husband wants to get out of the relationship and just be with the other woman but is afraid of hurting you or knowing how to split from you, then this is a difficult thing. Probably he would refuse councelling unless he wanted your marriage to work. Well these are just wild thoughts, I am no expert but have learned a lot in the past month. I hope something I said can help. This kind of experience from my view is the worst thing that anyone ever has to face. The only things that friends say is that time heals. Well I hope so but I am also impatient. Sometimes I am annoyed at myself for thinking about this stuff every day, in fact every minute of everyday. My wife is unaware that I think so much. Well she knew I did last month but now I try to hide it. What I will be like next month, I don't know.

All the things your H says to you are what mine said to me.It has been 6 weeks since d-day and I asked him to move out.I don't recommend that you do that but in my case H now seems to be able to answer me honestly, at least most of the time.(H still lives with OW)When he was home and the A was still not uncovered, he lied to me about everything! He seemed like he was possessed and had become a stranger! He called me late one night and told me that it was not my fault and that he still loved me.I couldn't understand what he was talking about. Anyway, if I could go back to that time before the A was discovered, I would be trying extra hard to become his best friend again, spend lots of time with him, give him lots of attention, etc. It's very hard whern they're not receptive but you have to chip away at this 1 peice at a time(as Steve told me)<BR>Things may get worse before they get better but I hope not.I am starting to see some hope in my M now.

Hi Rodger,<BR>Thanks so much for your letter I am so glad I found this site. I am going to take your advice and write my feelings down I think this will help with the anger. I am going to also try to be as nice as I can and ask no questions, when he is ready I will listen, I told him how much I love him and want to work things out. I hope the council helps him because I see a lot of depression in the things he does say he just finds no happiness in anything. I am glad your W is still with you and hope you get the answers you need. For now I guess we are sitting ducks and must take it one day at a time. Keep in touch as I will with you.

Hi Mazey,<BR>When all this came out in the open my H told me he needed space and was going to leave, then after talking he agreed to go to council and stay, so I am going to try and follow advice of being his friend now and being nice. Thing is he won't talk much to me after that first conversation, we just do our daily things and if I bring up well are you still talking to the other W he says not now and not to grill him. So it then becomes hard for me not to get angry, I want to hear I'm in council and trying to work on getting our marriage back. But I will give it time and hope for the best. I hope things work out for you do you have children how long have you been married? This is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life a true test.<BR>