Has anyone tried the tough love approach. I bought (and read) the book by Dr. J. Dobson entitled "Love Must be Tough." Has anyone tried the techniques described in this book? If so did it work? Has anybody had the opposite affect occur. <P>I am going to give it a try, but was hoping anyone can give me insight to the possible outcomes.<P>thnx<BR>sadandconfused<BR><p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited April 05, 2001).]

Need more on your situation. Fill us in on the details.<P>------------------<BR>Later,<BR>B

Details<P>readers digest version (longer version in previous post):<P>My W has been communicating with OM initially via email, now exclusively by phone. Email were very inappropriate for non married people!! I blew up (several times). We've been going to counseling. She told me communication had stopped in November. We've been working on my ability to give her space to grow as an individual. Unfortunately, I started getting suspicious and then felt guilty for being suspicious (actually thought I was going crazy). End of February she tells me we need a separation because my emotions were smothering her, and oh by the way I still have been in contact with OM, but we are just friends now. <P>She has told me on several occasions that she loves him as a dear friend (she hasn't seen the guy since she was a freshman in HS). I am sure there's more to it. <P>I've been on emotional rollercoaster for past month. Now I've got an apartment. We are still going to counseling, but counselor is convinced that its not about the other man, that its about my inability to stand up for myself (which my W says she has no respect for - i.e. I give her everything she ever wants). <P>So that's where we are right now. We are going to counseling together, but I think its a show to convince her family that she tried. And oh by the, the OM (who currently lives 1200 miles away)has been offered job in our city, and is leaving his W. <P>As I said, this is RD version. More details in previous posts.

sad,<P>I am in nearly the identical situation to you except we haven't yet separated. My wife has an ongoing EA since Dec. that she claims has nothing to do with why she has completely given up on our marriage.<P>As far as the TOUGH LOVE Dobson approach, I tried it too soon. I took to writing it out before hand and gave it to her over the phone (bad way to do it) after I'd called the OM. She was pissed that I'd called him and wasn't willing to admit that her connection to the OM was inappropriate at all so the message totally missed the mark. She said wasn't going to be smothered by me telling her she can have as friends. I've yet to tell her that I've read her emails and I know it's deeper than she thinks I know. She thinks she is hiding it.<P>I think a prerequisite to the approach is an open discussion and understanding that both partners agree that the OP's impact will be harmful. In general, the book is very good and it's guideance re: respect is important. That's where you have to make sure whatever your decision is keeping you. You should make clear your intention to work on the R and see where the counseling goes.<P>I think you are likely correct about your w's continuing in counseling. I believe my w is doing the same. Use the time to listen and work on the things that caused your r to breakdown in the first place. That way you'll improve yourself one way or the other. If she just walks away right now you'll never know. Then you can decide what makes the most sense later.<P>Good luck.<P>jaboom

Used the approach 17 years ago when I first met my soon to be husband. Great. Hormones and emotions were freely flowing then. Signs of disrespect where evident, so I tough loved. Worked great.<P>Reread the book (17 years later) when WH (same one) was in the "high" of his EA. Too late. Told him to leave and we would not be back together until he agreed to counselling and cut ties with OW. Should have done that on discovery day. Did it after a couple months of Plan Aing. Well, OW was Aing twice as much and guess what? To him it was a mixed blessing. Now he could practice his A without feeling so guilty. Because, after all, I was the one who had dismissed him. He felt some remorse... some reality... but his ego was so stroked that he took the easy route.<P>My advice: You have to know when they are at their most vulnerable stage for TL. Otherwise, they will justify themselves by blaming you.<P>GOOD LUCK, God bless.<P>

I think TOUGH LOVE is compatible with MB in a couple ways.<P>Plan A--knowing the precepts of Tough Love, even if not putting them into actual practice, helps keep the BS from becoming a doormat.<P>Plan B with kids--I didn't find arranging kids' schedules through a third party to be feasible. No relatives in town, and I didn't want to wear out my friend's anymore. Now there is a place/business that arranges that, but it wasn't in place then. So, Tough Love, for me helped firm up my move away from Plan A...but then I thought I was headed toward divorce.