I'm the WS (5 month A) and DD was just 3 weeks ago. It is really an ugly mess, complete with stalking by the OW, criminal charges, the works.<P>My wife and I made a pact about 10 days ago to work things out. She is remarkable, and I need to fix this. We have an appointment for joint counseling beginning tonight. <P>Of course we've had good days and bad days, but just last night she informed me that she couldn't live like this. She wants to find peace, and since seeing me causes pain it looks like I may be pushed out. I deserve this for what I did to her and my 3 children, but I'm hoping the counseling will help her refocus on us.<P>Please tell me anything you think may be helpful, including advice on how she can deal with the dreams (images) and triggers. Also, how long did it take you to get to a point of feeling like it _could_ work?<P>THANKS!

l.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

JCook,<BR>The fact that you are there trying to make your marriage work is a definite plus. Many BS, myself included, do not have the luxury of having a WS who is also committed to making the marriage work. For many of us, we are alone in our struggle.<P>Triggers, yes I know about triggers! You can't stop them but you will see it in her eyes when they arise. Advice: we just need reassurance that we are loved, that you aren't leaving, that you are committed to making your marriage work(and live up to those words). Someitmes all we need to get through those triggers is a hug, or a kiss and some reassurance.<P>As for the dreams, I wish I knew how to stop mine. But maybe in time, with patience and love on your part, they will lessen. I can only tell you that when they occur for us, they are so real and life-like at the moment even though we tell ourselves it's only a dream, the emotions we are feeling are VERY real. Once again, patience and loving reassurance can go a long way.<P>Pride can be a crippling thing for the WS or BS. Right now I dealing with WS pride getting in the way of healing. He's always prided himself with being the perfect husband and now he doesn't know how to deal with the fact that he's human. He'd rather walk away than admit that he is falible.<P>Talk, talk, but more importantly listen. You will be surprise at what you hear if you truly listen without prejudice or preconceived notions.<P>Good luck to you. It won't be an easy ride but as my father always said "Anything worth having is worth working for." You have your work cut out for you. Tackle it with every fiber of your being.

Are you and wife religious. Do you believe in repentance of sin? If so, maybe speaking to a pastor might be helpful.<P>Just a thought. I know that my WS is not here and I guess I am not sure how I would be if he did come home. Something for me to ponder?<P>(we also have 3 kids, 5,3,2,)<P>HOpelessmom

Hi,jcook, I am the BS. Dday was Aug 20,00 and true recovery began NOV. 10. I didn't really decide til Christmas time that I was NOT going to seek a divorce.So, if a real decision has been made so quickly, you are lucky. I felt the way your W feels, exactly. The images made me nuts. Thankfully, I didn't dream,probably because it was all gotten out during my waking hours. His A was EA for about 3 months and PA for 3 weeks.<BR>The first 3 months were horrible for both of us. He was guilty but still blaming me for putting in the position of even having an A. He was still in the fog,with feelings for OW. <BR>He was ,alternately,defensive,(LOTS of this)loving,cruel,honest,lying,sorry,not truly remorseful(there IS a difference),some moments of clarity that were surpressed by his anger and feelings that he was in some way justified for having the A. He says now if he could take those 3 months back...well, he can't.<BR>By the time I decided I wouldn't divorce him, he had beeen truly working on US and HIM for about 8 weeks.He was sharing bits of himself,as never before in our 27 years and I began to get a better sense of my place in his life. And a better sense of his love for me...My pride got int he way and I won't say that STILL I have some days where I feel like"Hey, you play,you pay".Like he doesn't deserve this second chance.Like I am less somehow, like saying it's OK to treat me like s**t for 4 months and then come home and Love me,again. Not as strong as it was, but I suspect your W is having some of that. <BR>Do Everything you can, to deserve it. If you do separate,just understand that It hurts her to look at you. Even though we made love from day one, I frequently cried all the way thru it...I was vaguely repulsed by the fact that she saw him naked and touched him and I was looking at the same thing SHE saw. Every time we "did stuff". I wondered,did they and was it "better". Once I knew,once he told me,enough to remove the worst images from my imagination,it got better. Some stuff is still there,though. But I can't ask because I don't really think I can deal with it. God, I've lost enough of my "specialness", I'd like to keep the illusion that I still hold some. It was awful to hear and not telling too much is very fine line.That has passed,for the most part and I expect someday it will go away completely. But it's been months of it. Just love her, hold her and TELL HER THE TRUTH. That,for me, has been the best healer.

<P> I agree complete honesty, what ever she wants to know!! No matter how much it "bothers you". My h has that problem. it just makes it drag out longer,and do not blame her for anything!! God bless<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Complete honesty is essential. Honesty hurts less than lies. <P>I am BS and this would have helped me alot: Apologize often, not just when she is having a very bad time but when things are good too--something like 'I can't believe I almost lost all this'.<P>Give hugs and affection often.<P>When BS is only one to ever bring it up, I feel like he is not truly remorseful.<P>Put yourself on the vulnerable spot, tell her something you are insecure about.<P>Have absolutely no contact with OW. If they try to contact you, tell your wife immediately.<P>You have to build trust back. Call W often from work. Let her know what you are doing at all times.<P>Show your W that she is better in bed than OW.<P>Triggers are going to have them, I still have them 2+ years later. Be very sensitive to them and comfort her.<P>Under no circumstances should you justify what you did.

As someone that has been on both sides of the fence, I am not sure I agree with 100% openess about everything. It has been the specifics that has made it difficult for my H and I to move on. He knows everywhere my OP and I were intimate, which makes those areas triggers, he knows everywhere we went, which makes those triggers...etc. Whereas during his A, I know they were intimate, but I don't know where thus avoiding any potential triggers...I know of 1 place they went together...and a few songs she taped for him, so now everytime I hear that song it triggers bad feelings and everytime I hear about that place, it triggers bad feelings. I am not advocating lying about anything...if she asks, she has a right to know...I would just caution her that the specifics make it really tough. For example...would it be harder to get over the fact that you were intimate with the OP or would it be harder to get over the fact that you were intimate with the OP in the bed you share with her? <BR>Good Luck...my husband and I are in recovery and almost 1 year later I can say I only think about it 1/2 my day instead of all day : }...it takes a while and it's a long road...be willing to pay the price because you hurt her more than you can ever imagine.

My husband had an 8 month affair (that ended 9 months ago). The first couple of months were a blur to me. Your wife is in so much pain right now. If she is feeling like I did...she doesn't know what she wants. One minute she loves you, the next minute she hates you. All you can do is to give it time. Be COMPLETELY honest. Tell her exactly what she wants to know. I know one thing that helped me tremendously is the fact that I asked very detailed and specific questions..and my husband answered me. Let her see you cry..let her know that you hurt knowing that you have ripped her heart out. Hug her a lot and care about her. Listen to her. If there is anything "bad" you can say about the OW... make sure to say it when it is appropriate. I know I felt very insecure during the first few months (I still do at times) and I felt better knowing she wasn't perfect. Tell your wife how sorry you are. Tell her how much you need her and care about her. My husband went so far as to sit down one day (a few days after d-day) and write out the "specific" topics he could remember discussing with her (I wanted to know). His willingness to answer my questions thoroughly helped me a lot. <P>Good luck!<BR>Tammy<P>------------------<BR>I used to be "Hopeful in Michigan" but the board will not allow me to use that password anymore.<P>A LITTLE kindness can make a big difference!<P>We can survive this!

jcook, <P>You have gotten some great advice here. I would like to add that you should tell your w about mb and try to get her to come here. She can talk to those of us who have been where she is and who understand what she is feeling. It may help her to know that some of us have survived and our marriages are better. It takes time and work but it can be done. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>