Confessed to an EA 2 mo. ago. Wouldn't tell H who it was. He found out anyway. He went and confronted the OM. He threatened to kill the guy if I didn't tell him everything. He is very controlling and threatens me often. I don't really think he would do anything to me. The threats are mostly subtle. I figured I had put him through a lot of hell for 2 months, so I should stay and take it for at least as long. It has now been 2 months. I'm sick of the confrontations, threats, demands, name-calling. I have made no demands on him, do not threaten him or call him names. This week he started in again because he didn't think I told him "hi" soon enough when he came in the door and I didn't come to him and hug him. He grabbed me hard and started in with the stupid demands. I started packing clothes for myself and kids and told him I was leaving. That I couldn't take the fights any more. I was tired, my stomach had been hurting for 2 days. We had just had these fights two times in two previous nights. When he saw that I meant business, he changed his tune (again) and said he wanted me to stay. I did end up staying, but I know it will come again and I don't think I have the strength to take it any more. I am afraid of him. I don't have enough self-confidence in myself to stand up to him. Any advice?

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

I don't really think he would hurt me and I know he wouldn't hurt the kids. But his anger just gets the best of him. He's really hurt by this whole EA thing. I can understand that. The threats are just that I think. I am scared of him though, that's why the whole EA thing started. He just won't listen. All he wants to do is get angry. He says he will do better. He wonders why I don't cuddle up to him. I told him it was like a dog that gets kicked by his master every 3 days. After a while that dog doesn't want to come back. That's what I feel like. I am not excusing the fact that I had the EA, but I don't think what he is doing is right either. He has to either get over it or let me go. Am I wrong to think that way?

Dear Tiredof trying,<P>My wife also had an affair. The worst thing for the husband is to have unanswered questions. I really think it helps the husband to heal if he has all the answers. But if your husband thinks you have not told him everythig and if you lie and withhold the truth which you have already done then he will never trust you. What does it hurt to just tell him the truth but only if he calms down and promises to do you no harm. Also it might be good if it is all done in front of a councelling person. I do not recommend a friend. It doesn't work. The less you tell your husband, the more he will think and think. Evryr minute of every day he will think and think until he finds out the answer to his questions. I am not violent but all husband will think the same. If your husband is a decent person the marriage can be saved and still last forever. But the firt step is honesty from you, lack of threats by him and definitely no violence. If your husband is unstable at the moment then you will have to tell him that in the future you will talk when everything calms down. Healing takes time for both you and your husband. If I was your husband, or any other husband, would want to know why it happened. They want some idea so that they are confident it won't happen again and the marriage will last. I imagine he is feeling insecure too. The worst thing a wife can do is to have sex with another man. It is almost unforgivable in all cultures. But our Christian culture is able to fotgive even this if both people are willing to work it out. Men will resist the idea of councelling at first but another person in the picture helps and in a way this is what this newsgroup is all about. Give your husband a chance. Let the storm blow over. Try to be nice. You were the offending spouse so give him a chance. But if he really is a bad husband, run before you are hurt. We cannot judge this. I always hope marriages can work because there are too many divorces. A divorce really does not help anyone. But if the marriage really has no hope then so be it. But the idea of marriage is to weather the strom together even if one of the partner's caused the storm in the first place. I hope I did not say anything offensive. I am just giving the perspective of a betrayed spouse who also doesn't understand why his wife did what she did.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tiredoftrying:<BR><B>Confessed to an EA 2 mo. ago. Wouldn't tell H who it was. He found out anyway. He went and confronted the OM. He threatened to kill the guy if I didn't tell him everything. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have been here, TOT. I was *you* but with a twist. I told my then-H <B>everything</B> and my ex threatened to kill the guy, get us both fired (we worked together), kill me, kill himself... when someone is told this devistating news -- they are out of their minds.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> He is very controlling and threatens me often. I don't really think he would do anything to me. The threats are mostly subtle.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B> <P>Let's get down to it. Are you in danger? Seriously. If so, you need to GET OUT and work on your marriage (if that is your choice, given the abuse) from afar. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I figured I had put him through a lot of hell for 2 months, so I should stay and take it for at least as long. It has now been 2 months.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Two months?...That's nothing... you have YEARS to work on the healing... what you did to your H is akin to abuse... to murder... to a DEATH... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I'm sick of the confrontations, threats, demands, name-calling. I have made no demands on him, do not threaten him or call him names. This week he started in again because he didn't think I told him "hi" soon enough when he came in the door and I didn't come to him and hug him. He grabbed me hard and started in with the stupid demands.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Been there, lived that. And guess what? My ex cheated on me too... so I know what it's like to be insanely jealous and scared sh*tless that my marriage is over because of some other person.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I was tired, my stomach had been hurting for 2 days. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>I don't know about you, but I felt sick BECAUSE OF WHAT **I'D** DONE more than what he was doing! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>We had just had these fights two times in two previous nights. When he saw that I meant business, he changed his tune (again) and said he wanted me to stay. I did end up staying, but I know it will come again and I don't think I have the strength to take it any more. I am afraid of him. I don't have enough self-confidence in myself to stand up to him. Any advice? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Again, he has every RIGHT to be mad as hell at you -- but NO RIGHT to abuse you... if that is the case, GET OUT -- if it is not the case, and he is just venting his pain and anger WITHOUT HURTING YOU PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY (and name calling, yelling, crying, begging, confusion and/or anger at this point is perfectly normal, in my opinion) then you have to hang in there and let this begin to heal for him.<P>Don't give up because it's been two months and he's hurt... OF COURSE HE IS... and SO ARE YOU... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 07, 2001).]

Rodger:<P>My EA consisted of talk and hand holding. No kissing, no hugging, no sex. I don't think that should be so hard to forgive. And yes, I've answered all his questions. He has always called all the shots. That has got to change. I can't live like that any more. I'm not just "his wife". I am not "his possession". I have to be my own person too. The weekend went fairly smooth. However, we didn't talk much. I am uncomfortable whenever he touches me. I'm waiting for the bomb to be dropped again. I hope it doesn't. I'm hanging in there. My EA happened at work. I am trying to find another job, but with no success. I am sure H doesn't like the fact that I am still working with OM. However, me and OM haven't talked at all since H confronted and threatened OM. I don't think H believes me when I tell him that, but it is true. I've told H what the whole problem with the marriage has been. The threats, no affection (except when he wanted sex), and the fact that everything had to go his way and that my opinions were not important enough to be heard. He's trying, but he is not a very patient person. I really don't think I'm in danger of physical violence. However, his actions have become more violent in the past few weeks. You just never know. I will not put up with that kind of action. I haven't done anything to deserve that. I could understand if I had sex with the OM, but I didn't. He says he forgives me. We'll see.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tiredoftrying:<BR><B>Rodger:<P>My EA consisted of talk and hand holding. No kissing, no hugging, no sex. I don't think that should be so hard to forgive. ... I could understand if I had sex with the OM, but I didn't. He says he forgives me. We'll see.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>TOT, oh, oh, oh... <P>...sigh...<P>What you **did** <B>IS</B> an affair.<P>When you take responsibility for THAT, you AND YOUR H can begin to heal.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Rodger:<P>I have taken responsibility. I told him I know it was wrong, knew it was wrong at the time. I feel the guilt every day. I just don't need to be reminded of it all the time. I think the ball is in his court now. He's got to be able to forgive me. If he can't - it will never work.<P>What does TOT mean?

TOT is a short version of your name..TOT =TiredOfTrying.<p>[This message has been edited by trying2_4give (edited April 09, 2001).]

I see you know now that I was talking to you, Tired of Trying (TOT)... thanks trying2forgive (T24g) <P>TOT, you said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My EA consisted of talk and hand holding. No kissing, no hugging, no sex. I don't think that should be so hard to forgive. ... I could understand if I had sex with the OM, but I didn't. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't mean to be hard on you... I promise... but what you have said here tells me (and your H, perhaps?) that you DON'T believe that you had an affair. Yes, you feel guilt, and yes, you feel bad, but it wasn't a "real" affair.<P>Your H has EVERY RIGHT to be damned mad at the OM, at you, and to wonder/worry that this will happen again... maybe next time it **will** be physical. You might wonder why I feel so strongly about this...<P>My ex-H had three "slight" affairs that got progressively more physical... and then two more... and the final one included intercourse. All along he said, "they meant nothing"... over and over again... he NEVER took responsibility for THE PAIN HE CAUSED ME... and since he never saw them as what they were -- AFFAIRS -- he never could understand why I was worried.<P>Listen, TOT, your H is gonna take TIME to digest all this... be patient and understanding... you HURT him in the worst way possible and he's still trying to find a way to deal with it.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 09, 2001).]

New Beginning:<P>I understand that it will take time. It will take time for me also to get over the 16 years of emotional and verbal abuse I've taken from H and am still taking from H. I've got to learn to stand up for myself and that's going to be hard for H because I've always let him run all over me. I just can't do that any more. So we're dealing with that issue along with the EA issue. Everytime H tries to "make" me do something, it's just like he's trying to control me all over again and talk me into doing everything his way. I don't want to backslide and let him do that because that is why the whole EA started in the first place, along with the lack of affection and threats.<P>See what I mean?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tiredoftrying:<BR><B>New Beginning:<P>I understand that it will take time. It will take time for me also to get over the 16 years of emotional and verbal abuse I've taken from H and am still taking from H. I've got to learn to stand up for myself and that's going to be hard for H because I've always let him run all over me. I just can't do that any more. So we're dealing with that issue along with the EA issue. Everytime H tries to "make" me do something, it's just like he's trying to control me all over again and talk me into doing everything his way. I don't want to backslide and let him do that because that is why the whole EA started in the first place, along with the lack of affection and threats.<P>See what I mean?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I see what you mean. <P>I'm not trying to piss you off, but I do want you to consider something:<P>NO MATTER WHAT HE'S DONE it was not right to have an affair.<P>He IS responsible for his part of the problem that led up to the infidelity, but he is NOT responsible for YOUR ACTIONS. <P>I hope you seriously read the other things I posted to you. My ex-H had five affairs of differing intensity, and then I had an affair. Did his affairs mean that I could go ahead and cheat? NO!!! <P>Also, my ex could be very emotionally, and sometimes physically (if you consider pulling me by my hair out of the car physical) abusive too. I was married to him for 20 years. <P>It wasn't too shocking when he "lost it" when I had an affair, and I had NO DOUBT that he could/would KILL the OM if given the opportunity. Does that mean I could have an affair? NO!!<P>The marriage vow that YOU took is YOUR responsiblity. NO MATTER WHAT HE DID/DOES.<P>The FIRST STEP is to take responsiblity for your actions. <P>As I said in the beginning, if you are in danger... you must get AWAY from him until he gets help. If he never gets help, you never return.<P>But if the bottom line is that you want him to "hurry" and get over this, then you're asking for something that is impossible for him.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

New Beginning:<P>I know what I did was not right. And I know he is not responsible for my actions. And I am not responsible for H's actions for the past years. <P>You are not pissing me off. You're saying things I don't exactly want to hear, but I need to hear them anyway. Makes me think in another direction. I can't blame H completely, but I do think he deserves some of it. He contributed to it. However, I took it over the line.<P>