I know I've broken the 'no contact' rule - but yesterday I couldn't stop myself. I needed to know the truth.<P>I got a call at the office from someone who told me that what I knew about my husbands affair, and what actually happened were different.<BR>I listened to their story...and panicked. The things they were telling me didn't sound like my husband at all.<BR>I decided to call the ow and ask her to tell me what had happened between them.<BR>Her version and my husbands version are totally different.<BR>She says my husband did awful things to and with her. Things I can't imagine he would do.<P>I don't know who to believe?<P>My husband has lots to lose right now...and has told so many lies - it wouldn't be a streach for him to be lying now.<BR>She is in a new relationship, and days from moving in with him...what motivation does she have to lie to me now?<P>If what she says is true - even a little of it, then my husband is a complete stranger to me, and our whole marriage has been a farce.<BR>If what he says is true, then the affair was a short term mistake that he never wants to repeat.<P>I don't know who to believe...I don't know what to do.<BR>All I want is the truth. I want to know who I'm married to, what he did with her, and what exactly I have to learn to forgive.<P>How do I sort this out?<BR>Please help.

SoDuped -<P>First, remember all As are based of lies, deciet and deception. Just beaucse OW is with someone else doesn't mean she has nothing to lose and she's not going to lie to you. <P>Who was this person who called you at work?? Are they a friend? Analyze what the intention of calling you was.<P>Look at the source of the information you're getting, this person and the OW. Why would they tell you the truth??<P>I don't know your story, so I'm going off what I would do. Here comes 20 questions. Is your H still talking to OW? Are you in recovery? How long since D-day? How is your M with H now? Have you confronted H about these new descoveries?? Again, look at the source of the information before you jump to any conclusions.<P>If you can give me some details I can maybe help some more..<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B><BR>Who was this person who called you at work?? Are they a friend? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No, not a friend...he is someone I used to be acquainted with before I was married, he is a friend of the OW though...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>Is your H still talking to OW? Are you in recovery? How long since D-day? How is your M with H now? Have you confronted H about these new descoveries?? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There was only 1 phone call since I found out about the affair - she called the day after I dropped a letter off at her house telling my husband to keep me away from her.<BR>Other than that, nothing that I'm aware of.<BR>We are trying to recover...it's been tough though. I'm all over the map with my moods, and not making it easy for my husband.<BR>It's been 10 weeks since I found out, and the marriage is on a roller coaster ride. <BR>He's trying hard though, and is very remorseful.<BR>I did tell him about the phone calls - and aside from being angry with betty for interfearing and lying, he acted defeated.<BR>He says he doesn't know what he has to do to make me believe him - he wishes I could trust him enough to take his word over his.<BR>Says he just wants to hold me and take all the pain away.<P>What do you think?<P>I'm going to have to run now...have a joint session with the therapist...wish us luck...<BR>I'll check in later tonite.<P>Thanks for trying to help - I'm grateful.<BR>

First of all GOOD LUCK!!!!!<P>Ok, this is what I think..<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoDuped:<BR><B> No, not a friend...he is someone I used to be acquainted with before I was married, he is a friend of the OW though.....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My thoughts on this is, it's crap. When you say "used" to be acquainted, I assume you no longer speak with this person. There has to be some reason why they would call and put this bug in your ear. I think OW is still trying to hurt you and is now using this "acquaintce" to get to you.<P>It seems like one big setup with the intention of hurting you. This call was out of the blue correct? If so, I suspect it's all one big lie.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoDuped:<BR><B> He's trying hard though, and is very remorseful.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a good sign IMO.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoDuped:<BR>[b] I did tell him about the phone calls - and aside from being angry with betty for interfearing and lying, he acted defeated.[b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is also a good sign. Betty is the OW correct?<P>I would be a little worried about it. I don't want to give you hope that's not there. But IMHO, it's all crap. Believe, with skeptism, your H. Again I will say all As are based of lies, deciet and deception. OW and the caller have NO reason to tell you the truth now. If it is the truth, IF, it's being told to you to be hurtful and for no other reason.<P>I hope this helps you some, but you have to believe it for yourself.<P>I hope your joint session went well!!!<P>If someone sees that I'm wrong, please let me know. Again, I don't want to instill false hope.<P>*HUGS* and *PRAYERS* to you SoDuped!!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 06, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B>First of all GOOD LUCK!!!!!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks...we DO need it!<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>When you say "used" to be acquainted, I assume you no longer speak with this person. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Generally no...he has called on the rare occassion in the past and I've always told him that contact with him was not welcome, and to please stop.<BR>Finally a few months ago my husband (who has also known him for years) told him in no uncertain terms to stop calling me. That was the end of it until yesterday.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>I think OW is still trying to hurt you and is now using this "acquaintce" to get to you.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That is my husbands opinion also. I just wish I knew what they were trying to accomplish. Why try to break us up now when whe is moving in with her boyfriend - why would she care if we stay together? - she has a man of her own now.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>This call was out of the blue correct? If so, I suspect it's all one big lie.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes, it was out of the blue - I didn't think he'd have the balls to call again after the conversation my husband had with him.<BR>Oops - I just remembered...<BR>The day after I found out about my husbands affair - I called him with the intention of retalliating against my husband, but when he answered the phone I realized what a mistake it would be and told him that calling him was wrong, and that I was going to hang up now...the conversation couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>Betty is the OW correct?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Yes - guess I shouldn't be using her name, but since I have no respect for her...what the heck.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>I would be a little worried about it. I don't want to give you hope that's not there. But IMHO, it's all crap. Believe, with skeptism, your H. Again I will say all As are based of lies, deciet and deception. OW and the caller have NO reason to tell you the truth now. If it is the truth, IF, it's being told to you to be hurtful and for no other reason.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I am worried...the impact that this stuff would have if it's true is huge. How can I repair a marriage that barely existed in the first place?<BR>I see what your saying about a's being based on lies, deceit and deception - I know I shouldn't put much stock in all this but it's so hard to just close the door right now. If I could feel like I had the truth it would be so much easier that putting aside all these unanswered questions.<BR>What is it that she's hoping to gain?<BR>If she's in a new relationship and moving in with him, why would she even feel the need to cause trouble now?<BR>I can verify that she is with someone - I've talked to him...even told him what happened. He said he didn't believe me. Ugh...what a fool.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>I hope your joint session went well!!!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>It was a tough one...lots of emotions...2.5 hours!!<BR>We talked in length about this new mess. Our therapist says I have 2 choices.<BR>I can make myself crazy trying to get to the bottom of this, or I can deal with the feelings it's caused, and close the door on it.<BR>Both require energy and strength I'm not sure I have today. It's so hard to just let it go. I keep 'what ifing' it to death. I feel that if there's any truth at all here - I NEED TO KNOW.<BR>We also talked about some communication issues - we're trying to learn how to talk to eachother productivly again.<BR>I don't know when we forgot how to do that - I always thought it was something that came naturally - now here we are back at square one...acting like strangers.<BR>Amazing all the aspects of life this thing has affected. I hardly feel like the same person inside. It's almost like I'm living in the body of a person I can hardly stand to be around.<BR>One day at a time I suppose.<P>Thanks again for everything - it's been so helpful being able to get this out, and have myself understood.<P>Take care, and God Bless.<BR>

My OW told me that my H had five other affairs at work. She told me that he lied to her and manipulated her. This was one year after their affair ended by him coming home to me. She was happily reconciled with her h, and had no reason to call me. Why do they lie, Jealousy, anger, hurt, the same reasons most people do. However you can tell by their actions that they lack morals. <P>I spent a great deal of time checking out my OW story it was all fabricated. <P>She lied about everything, she told my H she was 39 - she was 43. My H was 33 at that time.<P>She told my H, her husband abused her. Her H told me she had many affairs, who is telling the truth? Don't really know.<P>She was in a hotel room with my H, telling her H she was alone. She told my H she went out her marital home to sign separation papers when her and her H actually purchased a truck.??<P>The woman is jealous and causing problems for you, face it her actions prove she doesn;t give your feelings a thought.<P>Don't give her the satisfaction of checking into her story, I made that mistake. Carry on, rebuild your marriage and be happy.<P>Good luck.

SoDuped - <P>Thank you for the update! I've been looking for your post.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>Generally no...he has called on the rare occassion in the past and I've always told him that contact with him was not welcome, and to please stop.<BR>Finally a few months ago my husband (who has also known him for years) told him in no uncertain terms to stop calling me. That was the end of it until yesterday.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See, crap!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>Why try to break us up now when whe is moving in with her boyfriend - why would she care if we stay together? - she has a man of her own now.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No idea. Where do OW come up with their crap, no idea. Maybe she's hurt and rejected that your H left her for you of all people! Hahahha Take that OW!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>Yes, it was out of the blue - I didn't think he'd have the balls to call again after the conversation my husband had with him.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Crap again! There IS a reason for all of this. Although I can't tell you why. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. *HUGS*<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>I see what your saying about a's being based on lies, deceit and deception - I know I shouldn't put much stock in all this but it's so hard to just close the door right now. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know it's hard, no matter what anyone tells you, it's going to be hard You will get though this!! You are a strong woman, don't let anyone defeat you!!!!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>How can I repair a marriage that barely existed in the first place?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Plan A all the way!!!! Counseling, read read read read, take time for yourself. You are #1, you are a wonderful woman. Remember that always!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>What is it that she's hoping to gain? If she's in a new relationship and moving in with him, why would she even feel the need to cause trouble now?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My guess is to hurt you and your H. There's probably more, but that's what I think. If there are any OW out there, maybe they can better answer this for you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>I can verify that she is with someone - I've talked to him...even told him what happened. He said he didn't believe me. Ugh...what a fool.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Poor guy, I feel for him. Of course he's not going to believe you. It will bite him in the butt sooner or later.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>It was a tough one...lots of emotions...2.5 hours!!<BR>We talked in length about this new mess. Our therapist says I have 2 choices.<BR>I can make myself crazy trying to get to the bottom of this, or I can deal with the feelings it's caused, and close the door on it.<BR>Both require energy and strength I'm not sure I have today. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Leave this alone for today. Do something for yourself. Get your mind off of this the best you can. One day at a time.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>It's so hard to just let it go. I keep 'what ifing' it to death. I feel that if there's any truth at all here - I NEED TO KNOW.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know how you feel. "What ifing" is going to drive you insane. See comment below.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>We also talked about some communication issues - we're trying to learn how to talk to eachother productivly again.<BR>I don't know when we forgot how to do that - I always thought it was something that came naturally - now here we are back at square one...acting like strangers.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You guys are pretty much starting over. It will take time to be able to communicate like you used to. Tell H more about your insecurities with these calls. Ask about every detail of the calls and the information, for your sanity. I would suggest this with a counselor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> <BR>One day at a time I suppose.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes! That's the way I get through all my stuff now, only one day at a time. This will help preserve your sanity. Hang in there, read more, come vent and ask questions. We're here for you! <P>*HUGS* and God bless!<BR>

Lost & Mrsaxxman,<P>Hi guys, thanks for posting.<P>Mrsaxxman,<BR>Thanks for sharing your story...It must have been so hard for you to go through all that.<BR>You said that you spent a great deal of time checking out your husbands story...I know it caused pain, but did it help any to have the truth?<BR>Does having the truth make it easier to accept the affair?<BR>I'm still trying to decide if it's worth it to me to keep digging. If the task of closing the door on the affair and moving forward is going to be just as difficult whether I have the truth or not, I have to wonder if I should put myself through the pain of digging.<BR>Where are you and your husband at now? Have you worked through things and moved forward?<BR>Does having the truth make a difference to you today?<BR>Sorry for all the questions - I guess I hoping that knowing what you went through would help me decide what to do.<P>Lost...<BR>Thanks for checking in on me - it's great to know your still out there. <BR>You've helped me to feel a little more grounded. <BR>I see that betty & her friend are just trying to get under my skin - I'm ashamed to admit that I did let them get to me -time to put a stop to that.<BR>I really hate the thought that their probably enjoying this, whatever their motives.<BR>I guess the bottom line is that I still love my husband, and want to try and save our marriage. To do that I'm going to have to take back control of my own head and stop letting them influence my feelings.<BR>I'm not sure I can trust my gut anymore, but I carry your words around with me...'It's all crap!'. I say that to myself over and over hoping with time I can believe it.<BR>I'll keep talking with my husband, and try to be accepting of his reassurances. Maybe if he understands how hard I'm trying he'll feel comfortable enough to open up more about what really happened. <BR>If I can get to the truth that way it's better for everyone.<BR>I'll stay away from betty and her friend - it's obvious that I'll never get anything concrete from them, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let them think they've won.<P>Thanks again for helping me get this far...it's better today than yesterday.<P>

So Duped:<BR>You're Welcome, hoped sharing my story helped. Tried not to get caught up in believing the OW she has nothing to gain or to lose from talking to you but if she can ruin things for him, she'll do it. <P>No - finding out all the truth actually hurt me more, I went so far as to check the local hotels to find out which dates they were together. No I have those dates memorized - and that hurts more than just knowing your h cheated on you.<P>The sooner you the decision to close the door and move forward the sooner you will begin to heal. Stop putting yourself through the pain of digging, it only keeps bringing it up over and over again, and hurts only you now, they know what they did and have moved beyond it. Do the same. <P>I dug up so much crap that little things continue to bother me. I still look at every Dodge Stratus I see because it might be her. <P>My husband and I are happily reconciled and enjoying our marriage every much. <BR>We have worked through many things and moved forward to a better place and you can too.<BR>The truth is painful, you have enough pain, you know he cheated you need to know why but not the how, where ,etc.<P>I provided the OW in my life wiht all kinds of pleasure by letting her watch me continue to check and double check = she found that all very amusing <BR>remember the best revenge is indifference, allow her to believe she never ever mattered to you.<P>Good luck<BR>Take the advise of an old timer and concentrate on now and making sure it doesn't happen again - look forward and rebuild not backwards and relive.<P><BR>

I'm glad I could give you some help. <P>I don't think I will be able to help anyone anymore since I think my M is completly over. I give up on thinking it will be ok. That's it, he doesn't want me to try at all, it's over, done. I'm just waiting on H to file on me.<P>Best of luck SoDumped, you will get through this.

Advice from an old-timer--pay no attention to what an OP says. I'm sure you've had a discussion with someone who has been to the same play, movie, concert as you, and you'd swear you'd been 2 different places by your opinions? An affair is like that, even worse when one tries to tell details to the spouse...<P>My H used to say, "I cheated, I lied, I was a (whatever bad name you'd like to use) what more do you need to know?" A couple years later now, I finally agree that there probably wasn't any more than that I needed to know, other than if he was still in contact, and often he was. Get that under control, and a lot of your reconciliation will go much better.

Please do not pay attention to the OP or the OP's acquaintances. Sometimes they could be telling the truth but when someone builds relationships and breaks families based on lies and deceit it is not likely they will be honest with you. <P>You have a right to know the truth. But you still may not be able to get it. You will need to reconice yourself when you can to that fact. In time, you will know what you need to know. Be content with that. In the meantime, focus on what you do know, work with what you can and throw away all the trash and junk that is filling up your mind and heart. <P>This game the WS and OP's play is dangerous. Let them be the main players, you watch from the sidelines and when things start crashing around them, you can step aside and then either lend assistance to your WS or move on. Harsh truth but true. <P>Some OPS are psyco, so what good will their words be to you? Some OPs like to hurt and enjoy watching you suffer. It gives them a high and will continue to use you as a pawn, if you let them. You are better than that. You deserve to be treated with honor and respect and trash like them will not give that to you. <P>There are some OPs that are actually nice. They are rare. Those that have posted here have taken progressive steps are not OPs anymore. They are not like the ones I have described above. For most of us the Ops above in the previous paragraph are the ones we deal with. You are better than they are so don't sink to their level. <P>I know, as a BS I too have had that urge to know the truth. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>