Lora<BR>Congradulations on your move forward after all this time! I was wondering about your story-did he move out? At what point? Did you strategically plan A all this time? Did you need to go to Plan B?Thank you for any info. that will give me(us) hope!<BR>

Hi Maezy,<BR>some quick stats. Affair began 2/99, discovery 8/99, began plan A 11/99, he continued the affair and I asked him to leave 8/00, he didnt contact me for 4 months after he moved out, so it was his sort of plan B, I sent some cards and letters during that time, but no phone calls, then we started talking again 2/01, and now this. I just wrote my plan B letter and was going to give it to him in one month... somehow it sems they have esp about when you are really starting to move on. I hope this didnt depress you. It has been a long haul for sure.<BR>Lora

<P>Now, get down to work... You know from reading this site that there are lots of ups and downs to come, but YOU have the strength, the knowledge, and SO, you have the POWER to make it through the rough spots to achieve the rewards.<P>I'm so happy for you!!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Lora, I must have missed something. Last I heard you found receipt for H's vacation to Hawaii with OW, and now he's talking about reconciliation and orders of protection from OW.<P>What happened in the meantime? Do tell!

terri,<BR>Thanks for the support. I hope we can negotiate the tough times ahead.<P>Dazed,<BR>Well, what happened..... nothing! I think he is following the book to the letter. They wanted to have a trip as a last fling... or he did , she doesnt seem to want it to be over yet. I guess they have been working on a break up for awhile, since January so far I think. <BR>lora

Lora<BR>Do you think this was MLC related? Are you in that age group? Is she around the same age? I found your info. to be inspiring, not depressing. You are an inspiration! Good luck!

Maesy,<BR>Could be MLC thing. H is 46, I am 45 and OW looks to be about the same.<BR>Lora

Had to break my silence and say CONGRATS!!!! Lora!!!!! You deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lora, this is so encouraging to those of us who have been dealing with the affairs for a long time. I am sooooo happy for you!!!

TRS and Hurtinginil,<P>I know, its amazing after so long huh? But I am afraid it will not be all smooth sailing to recovery. He hasnt called since Friday so I am wondering if I did something wrong. And its harder to be patient now that I have seen some progress.<P>I made an appointment with Jennifer for thursday so I can come up with a plan for him to start counseling too. I pray he will follow through.<BR>Lora

Lora, All too often, the WS's attempt to pull away from the OP results in a frantic effort on the part of the OP to reel them back in. I can understand how difficult it is to maintain your patience level, but give him a bit of time and space. You've waited this long, I truly believe that a little longer will do the trick, as long as you can keep the faith and be patient.<P>Thinking of you ...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Even I pop in for this one - (but I gotta confess, I read almost all your posts when I come on anyway)<P>Good girl. I'm so happy for you!!! <P>Lori

hang in there, lora, it'll be rough, but you've proven your strengh all along. (and don't think you did something wrong for him not to call!!!! you know better!)<BR>much love,<BR>julie

Hi Terri,<BR>I'm trying to hold on to my patience. funny how I thought I would feel so good to hear this from him, but now I see that each stage has its own anxiety. When will I be able to relax again?<P>Lostva, I am trying hard to follow in your footsteps... Us Lors need to stick together.<P>Julie,<BR>Thanks for the support, I will try not to obsess and worry.<BR>Lora

Hey Lora,<P>Thought the following might be helpful. I copied it from a post by William J to Carolina Belle several months ago. I had it in my saved file. I know when my H & I attempt to start recovery we never have had a plan. Now we live in a state of indifference, can't seem to break through that wall but anyway, I thought this might be helpful to you, sure you have read it before but a little reminder is always good. Prayers<P><<Seriously...I'll pull out MB stuff for you now... <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>· The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<P>· The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important Emotional Needs.<P>· The Rule of Time: Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<P>· The Rule of Honesty: Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR>[/list] <BR>(7) - The Rule of Protection<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (page 90 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Love busters: the most obvious way to destroy love<BR>Angry outbursts<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>When anger wins, love loses. (page 92 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Disrespectful judgments<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever someone tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on someone else. (page 93 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Selfish demands<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>When one spouse wins and the other loses, the marriage loses. (page 96 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Thoughtless decisions: a less obvious way to destroy love<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)... Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. (page 97 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Thoughtfulness: the objective of marital negotiation<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>If a couple are committed to avoid any decision until they come to a mutually enthusiastic agreement, eventually they learn how to negotiate. (page 98 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>How to negotiate with the policy of joint agreement<P> <P>Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe. <BR>Identify the problem from the perspective of both you and your spouse. <BR>Brainstorm solutions with abandon. <BR>Choose a solution that is appealing to both of you.<BR> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>If your negotiation becomes unpleasant or unsafe to either of you, break it off and choose another time to discuss the issue. (page 100 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>If you can begin with an understanding that a solution cannot be chosen until you have enthusiastic agreement, you will be amazed at how quickly you can find agreement. (page 103 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>It is recommended to couples that they learn to say something like, I'm not very enthusiastic about this situation, will you negotiate with me? (page 104 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>The policy of joint agreement offers complete protection<BR>The policy of joint agreement creates a compatible lifestyle<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>When a couple create a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. (page 106 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>You can be the greatest cause of your spouse's unhappiness<BR>(8) - The Rule of Care<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important Emotional Needs. (page 110 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Learing to meet each other's emotioanl needs in marriage is far less complicated than going throughthe agonizing ritual of affairs and divorce. (page 111 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P> <P>The Rule of Care - step 1: Identify the most important emotional needs <BR>The Rule of Care - step 2: Become an expert at meeting the most important emotional needs<BR> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>You must ask if you want to know where to put your greatest effort. (page 113 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Couples who focus their attention on each other's top five emotional needs have a sensational marriage. (page 115 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>We can't meet our most important emotional needs ourselves - other must meet them for us. (page 117 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>A good marriage becomes almost effortless when spouses develop habits that meet each other's needs. (page 118 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>A positive suggestion is much more encouraging than critisim. (page 119 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Meet each other's needs in ways that are mutually enjoyable<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Never expect your spouse to suffer or sacrafice so that your need can be met. (page 120 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>You can be the cause of your spouse's greatest happiness<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>You must be each other's greatest source of happiness if you want to have a successful marriage. (page 121 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Feedback from your spouse as to how you are doing at meeting his or her emotional needs is absolutely essential in your becoming an expert. (page 122 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>(9) - The Rule of Time<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The Rule of Time: Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The right way to meet all important emotional needs is to schedule time to meet them all. (page 130 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Spouses need to be emotionally connected on almost a daily basis to sustain their love for each other. (page 131 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Scheduling time for undivided attention<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>A couple's love for each other cannot be created or sustained without time for undivided attention. (page 133 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>It is recommended that couples schedule the same hours week after week to be alone with your spouse. (page 133 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Recreational companionship<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Couples often make the fatal mistakes of going their separate ways when an activity becomes boring to one of the spouses. (page 135 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>(10) - The Rule of Honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>The Rule of Honesty: Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Emotional Honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Emotional Honesty: Reveal your emotional reactions - both positive and negative - to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse's behavior. (page 140 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Historical Honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure. (page 142 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Current Honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Current Honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect your spouse. (page 143 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Future Honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Future Honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives. (page 145 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Complete Honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Complete Honesty: Do not leave your spouse with a false impression about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, or plans for the future. Do not deliberately keep personal information from your spouse. (page 146 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Creating an environment for honesty<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>You encourage homesty when you value honesty. (page 148 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Don't wrap your honesty in love busters<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>If you are to be honest with your spouse, you must be willing to reveal your feelings without Love Busters. (page 150 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Honesty means being persistent<BR>(11) - Managing resentment and restoring trust<BR>Living with the memory of an affair<BR>The more there is to resent, the more difficult resentment is to overcome<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>An emotional reaction to a painful event fades over time, as long as the painful event is not repeated. (page 154 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Focusing on the present and future can help diminsh resentment<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>When marriages recover completely, using the four rules, resentment almost always fades away. (page 157 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Avoid using resentment as a love buster<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Resentment is a feeling, and Love Busters are tempting reactions to that feeling (page 157 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>Restoring trust<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. (page 160 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P><BR>(12) - Renewing marital commitment<BR>Marital recovery agreement<BR>A final warning: protect your love bank from the deposits of others<P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>Make it easy for your spouse, and make it relatively difficult for others to deposit love units. (page 170 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>If you ever find yourself infatuated with someone other than your spouse, don't walk away, RUN! (page 171 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P> <P>quote: <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>To maintain a strong marital relationship, the four rules must be continually followed. (page 172 of SAA) <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>I know I just dumped a truck-load of info on you...Take time to think it through... <P>Have you and your H set up a formal plan for your marrital recovery? <P>Read back over the Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts ASK your H to do so with you... <P>It sounds to me like you may be either not meet some Emotional Needs<BR>committing Love Busters... <P>Talk to him...sit down together and tak the questionares posted on the site here...talk...negotiate... <P>Y'all can do this...your trick is going to be avoiding those Love Busters <P>Just your friendly Carolina boy giving you his take <P>Bill>><P> <BR>