I am newyly wed (8mo) and already having a conflict that may end in divorce. I made a huge mistake that has resulted in trust lost . <BR>I was feeling emotionally neglected by my husband. Instead of discussing my feelings i acted out in revenge. I thaught it was innocent to a piont. Developing a friendship with his best friend to the point where we lied to sneak out just to hang out together. We talked about our relationships, gave honest opinions, and had fun. I knew that it was wrong, if you have to lie about it something is wrong. But over the three weeks that this occured i never engaged in any activities that were sexual or intimate. <BR>And it was not hard to find time for this friendship to grow since my husband hardly ever came home but to sleep and change. <BR>Unfortunaltely the guy involed developed a crush, and began to make it seem that we were sexually active with one another to a few people. Baisically spread rumors. My husband began to notice my withdrawl, my lack of concern for his whearabouts, which is odd, and that I stopped chasing after him every time he was gone too long. <BR>He began to be suspicious and searched my stuff and found old journals i used to wright when I was waiting for him to come home the many nights he was out with the boys. They told him how neglected and insecure it made me become, and he was hurt that he didn't see it. He tried to apologize and communicate to me that he saw his wrongs and was ready to drop his party life and devote his time to me. <BR>By this time i felt stupid. I thaught he did all the hurtfull things on purpose, but he didn't. And now look at the mess i made. <BR>Eventually he found out, and so did I. That the guy was portraying our time together as a love affair. He cannot believe that we were just friends, he is convinced that more came about. I cannot convince him otherwise because i have lost all trust he had for me. <BR>Now that I realize what i did, and put myself in his shoes, i too see how difficult it must be for him to have to go through this. i kick myself in the head everyday for not thinking about the consequenses of what was doing. Even for purposely trying to get his attention this way. It definitely backfired. <BR>Now that he is aware of what emotional support i need, he can't bring himself to do it in fear of being let down again. I will never do anything to hurt this man again, but isn't that what everyone in my situation says. So how can i convince him i am for real. Because i truely am.<BR>Yes, i have shared all of this with him, but he can't help but doubt everything i say and do. <BR>I was reluctant to tell him all of what went on, how many times we hung out, where we went, and what we did, and talked about. Only because it was not an affair, but my deception made it seem so, and i didn't want him to react over nothing. But its not nothing to him. I have told him all of the details about the time it happened, but he still can't believe me fully, and believes strongly that there is more. But there is not. <BR>So now i am frustrated that he won't believe that all of this had no romance, no intercourse. It hurts, but i can't help but think that i desrve it. <BR>Just when we are begining to be happy together, he thinks about it for a second and we end up reliving the whole thing.<BR>It has been over three mo now. He told me this morning he thinks that he won't be able to make it. He wants to leave me. I wish we could overcome this cycle of happy one day then accusing and fighting the next. <BR>i won't let him go, i know that if he would just let me in that we would build a bond so strong. But the damage may have been to deep to repair. What can i do now. I love this man so much, i want to fix his broken heart and treat him the way he should be treated, but he won't let me, not fully.<BR>

Welcome to MB. There are many of us that want our spouses back despite the fact that they are involved in affairs with someone. These are generally physical affairs. So, to answer your question, witht he proper recovery process, you could make it.<P>If you haven't read up on Plan A, please do so. It is the best way for you to help your marriage. Also, it would be good to buy Surviving An Affair. It just describes how affairs happen, why they happen, and how to recover from them. Even having an emotional attachment is considered an affair.<P>You can get all the information you need regarding Plan A if you go to the Just Found Out forum, and look at the General Welcome ... post from NSR. It has links to all the info you'd require.<P>Good luck.

Glad you're here, you'll learn tons!<P>It sounds to me like you had an "Emotional Affair" (EA). . you looked to this other man (OM) for the things you wished you were getting from your H. Even though there was no intercourse, it's still an affair. . please don't take this harshly. You and OM shared things. . you shared your feelings (about your M's), you shared fun times together, you talked. If this relationship with OM was just the same as one with your girlfriends, you wouldn't have had to lie about it to your H, right? (Not that you're lieing now, but you did when you were seeing OM right?). You found somebody else who meet the needs you wanted your H to meet. Now, back to the harshness thing. . almost all of the BS's (Betrayed Spouses) here will admit that they see things they could have done better, things that were lacking that-I have to be careful here!-maybe "set the stage" for an A. Same with your H, he didn't know, he probably didn't do it on purpose. Who teaches us about this stuff? We all learn as we go. So now you're learning. . and you can fix it.<P>Read, read, read about Plan A on this site. Will your H come here too? Could you get him to do the Emotional Needs Q? What are your H's most important EN's? Work towards meeting them. . it's hard for that to not have an affect. He's hurt & feels betrayed (even though no sex). . it still hurts. Something I've learned since I've been at MB is that I may not always agree w/other people's feelings, but that doesn't really matter, cuz what people are feeling is real to them. I think it's good that you're trying to put yourself in his shoes. . a "step" in the right direction!<P>Keep reading here, keep posting here, keep talking honestly w/your H. Good luck, I think you're on the right track.

Maybe by accident you could have your husband find your first note to this newsgroup (above) and he might be convinced of your story. Yes it would be prety hard for him to accept there was no sex. If he thought there was then he feels totally devastated and recover could take awhile. But in your cae you told him really everything but he doesn't believe it so this is very difficult. Well just hang in there and don't give up. Try to weather the storms. They should die down.

laura girl have you considered a three way meeting with husband and your friend. contact friend in husbands presence. tell him that you really need for him to be straight with your husband and that is he is really a friend or could be a true friend then he will tell your husband just how things are. what do you think.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by joell:the guy was my husbands best fiend. My h has asked him to come over and talk many times and he called saying he would on three serperate occasions and not shown up. Probably because my h is very short tempered and they've gotten in abrawl before that left the othr guy all beat up.He has told him (my h ) over the phone. So his cowardness is not helping the situation.He won't even try to talk to me know, or does he want to. Once he found out that we herd the rumor he started he avoided us. My relations with him are completely over. I don' even have a desire to see or speak wth him. <BR><B>laura girl have you considered a three way meeting with husband and your friend. contact friend in husbands presence. tell him that you really need for him to be straight with your husband and that is he is really a friend or could be a true friend then he will tell your husband just how things are. what do you think.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I have a ? Why was it perfectly ok for your H to spend so much time out with the boys and not come home to sleep or change??? Big red flag there! Sometimes one spouse can project their guilt/wrong behavior onto the other. Sounds like maybe your H is guilty of not being too honest himself.