H and I had a long discussion today. Don't know why I can't learn to avoid these things, but...<P>He is still involved in his A, but I am the only one that knows about it- she's going through a divorce and her H just moved out about 2 months ago. My H moved out 7 months ago. We have continued to have almost daily communication.<P>Anyway, apparently H is getting very tired of hiding the relationship and he has decided to tell his 2 kids that are living with him that he met someone and is talking to her on the phone and may meet her for coffee and such from time to time.<P>He basically said that he may be making the biggest mistake of his life. He has very conflicting thoughts about their relationship. He has had feelings for her that he has never had for anyone else including me- but there have also been many times that he just knew that it wouldn't work. And, partly due to this forum and things I've told him that I've learned, he is also aware that part or all of what he's feeling may be fantasy, but it feels real. He wants to get it out in the open so he can find out how real it is.<P>Then he asks me questions about if I'm seeing anyone or talking to any men. Says he's not jealous, just curious. He tells me some stuff about a couple of his friends that indicate to me that he is jealous.<P>He admits that he is confused. He thinks about me and kids sometimes and the bigger picture- the effect all of this is having on the kids, the effect that it is having on us financially. He knows that if he and his OW stay together, they will struggle financially for a very long time. We would not have that problem. He thinks about the fact that even his kids that are living with him now consider this house home. He said that his feelings for me have changed- some are good, some are great, sometimes he remembers the hatred we seemed to have for each other for a while.<P>I know this is long and I apologize for that. I guess the bottom line is that he realizes he might be making a mistake, but he wants to try to have a relationship with her. He halfway expects it not to work, but because of the feelings he has for her, he needs to try. And, he hopes that I'm still here when he gets finished.<P>So, what to do? Continue to Plan A? Not LBing is getting harder to do and I let a couple fly today, but not much damage done. I can continue just as I have been and hope that she gets real jealous and LBs all over the place (and I do think she will do this- just not sure what his reaction will be). Or is it time for Plan B? I know that she can't meet all of needs for a long time if ever. I expect that even when the relationship is a little more open on his end, it will still be secret on her end at least until her divorce is final. I'm not sure when this will be, but they have some kind of deposition or something the first of May- so I guess it will still be a while.<P>Thank you to those that are still reading. Any advice appreciated.

Hi Cloudy,<P>About the best advise I can offer is continue with plan A and keep the lines of communication no matter how painful...<P>I sense you confusion, and I can sympathize and empathize because my H has been in an affair for a year. I remained committed to not filing and I put a Plan A letter out there-with no expectations to avoid further disappointment...<P>My H is deep in the Fog Forest and the Passion Pit...I now have very serious doubts that he will emerge before je makes a d. final...<P>As I type this, my heart, my soul, my gut, my mind, and my body ache... The feeling of powerlessness pervades my self and I only ponder how a person can throw everything they have becuase they love themselves more than their wife and their children, their family, and their marriage.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers and follow your posts. <BR>Wishing the best for you, elo

Cloudy,<P>Talk to the Harley's. See what they say. YOU can Plan A too long. If he is so confused Plan B time might be coming. But again talk to the Harley's. Good Luck.

Dear Cloudy,<P>Your H is thinking about going public? If you can, let him. Yes, he could be digging his own grave (ruining his repuation). That will be on him not you. <P>Your children will suffer some humilation, anger, embaressment,etc. Be there for them. Help them. Let them vent and express themselves. Let them know you are there for them and make them part of your support group. Help them build their support group (relatives, teachers, day care providers, freinds, neighbors, etc.). What your H may not be counting on is the reaction of those around him including your children. H may think he is rational but many in the fog do not think they are lost but they are and very obvious to many. <P>I had a hard time going from plan A to B. Finally about 3 months after d/d I cut off contact except for business items. Sent H an e-mail explaining financial obligations, visitations with his son, moving his things out and collecting his mail. Other than that contact was gone. <P>Let's see, that has been 3 weeks. Went through severe backlash. Had a mediator that he walked out on. He was telling me call him back and when I would he would hang up on me. Took five calls to get one answer. He accused me of stressing him out (really?!?!?),etc. After his last yelling episode, I sent him an e-mail telling him to grow up, take his obligations and responsibilities so he would not have to deal with me. His hanging up antics were childish and caused by his own instructions. <P>After 2 days, he called to apologize and cry for his childish behavior. He said he would not every hang up on me again and has been on good behavior (sounds like we're talking about a prisoner) for the past 5 days. That is an improvement. Now he talks about wanting his family back. <P>I am having to think about what I want now. Anyway, my point is that until I treated myself as a 1st class citizen and forced H to do the same, H continued to walk over me even though he said he was not. Wrong. He was, he even went so far as to ask if I would consider remarrying him after the D (which he has not even filled out the papers for yet). Can you believe that? That is when I woke up and said hey, I am not a 2nd option. <P>Ok, I will get down from my soap box and go do laundry. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Your situation sounds like mine did. I have a wonderful recovered marriage now. The key here is his ambivilence and his obvious insecurity that you will not wait aroud for him. These are big points in your corner. You can plan A for a long tortuous time period, waiting for him to decide what to do and have no guarantee that he will come back. I told my H he couldn't have us both and that I wasn't going to wait for him to make up his mind for very long. When he saw that I was serious and strong enough to do it without him, he made up his mind real quick. He had a lot of the same doubts about a relationship with OW that you describe in your H. My H also had the strong connection to his kids and his comfortable lifestyle at home which he would have had to give up to keep OW.

Thanks for your replies.<P>He is not really going totally public. What he is planning to do is tell his 2 teenage children that are living with him that he is talking to someone- so that he doesn't have to continue to try to hide the phone contact. Even though my H has moved out and her H moved out, their relationship is still very much a secret with all the sneaking, lieing, hiding in the bathroom with the phone, etc. The problem here is not as much on his end but hers. For some reason, she is terrified of anyone finding out- very paranoid and takes extreme precautions. She won't talk to my H from her home phone- has to be cell phone or pay phone. Don't understand the reasoning here, but that leaves him unable to contact her, sitting around waiting for her to call. I did ask him to consider making sure she is committed enough to their relationship to do the same. In other words, its not going to change anything if she doesn't tell her kids something- please don't hurt our kids if she's not planning on telling hers. Actually, I'm not sure what our kids' reaction will be. H is miserable right now and has been for a long time. They could be supportive of whatever he needs to do to be happy. And I think he is planning on making it sound like it's someone he just met.<P>I did talk to Steve Harley last week. At that time, he suggested continue with Plan A- but that was before this telling the kids thing. I guess I will wait and see if he actually does it and talk to Steve soon after. I think that if can maintain a little longer, this may actually work to our benefit. I see this OW as extremely selfish and controlling. She uses her paranoia about someone finding out to explain a lot of that. Maybe if some of that is gone, H will begin to see some of that for himself.