.<p>[This message has been edited by Rodger (edited May 01, 2001).]

That sounds like my H. He was angry at me for everything, especially spending money! The anger towards me was not typical of him so I attribute it to Mid-life crisis or as a way to rationalize the affair he was/is having.I'm working on PlanA in the hopes that ,like you say, reality will set in and he will come to his senses and come home.Now that the A has been revealed, he is no longer angry at me,at least he doesn't act angry, but he still is "in love with the OW".Maybe the fog is starting to clear.

The anger is their guilt, the BS must become the "bad" person in order for the cheater to justify their actions.<P>"no one appreciates me at home"<BR>"my wife does nothing for me"<BR>"I do all the housework plus work full time and never get thanked"<BR>"my wife never makes love to me"<P>In my case my H and his OW were married, they both were the hard done by spouse and started swaping stories about how awful they were treated, they both forgot to look at how awful they were treating us. <P>My H had to leave and live with her before he noticed everything I did for him because she literally did nothing.<P>If the wandering spouse did not put up that wall of anger they would have to look rationally at what they were doing, yes honey I spent the afternoon in a hotel but I have the right to becuase you didn;t have sex with me this month"<P>What did she do for you - that's right she took one hour/week out of her busy schedule and screwed you then went home to her family.<P>They are not really angry with you they are putting up a wall of angry so they do not have to look at what they are doing and what that makes them.

<p>[This message has been edited by alfonse (edited April 10, 2001).]

I think their anger makes them feel entitled,justified, in what they are doing. In our case, it was much like mrsaxxeman said. They began swapping stories. The OW descibed her H and how she hates him. Her H treated her almost as badly as my H treated me. If it had REALLY been just friendship,if his loyalties were not already beginning to shift toward her, he may have asked himself how I was feeling. BUt misery loves company,doesn't it? And she told him how,OH NO, he could NEVER be like HER H...he was kind and wonderful. HUH? They see what they WANT to see and nothing else.He wanted to see her as needing rescue. He never thought about who was gonna recuse ME.St that point, it was all my fault anyway and I didn't deserve rescue!<P>My H had been angry with me for alot of years...but it didn't turn to actual dislike until they began to talk and flirt online. If,he happened to TELL me about something he was mad about,and if I could explain it and why I did whatever I did in any given situation, he didn't beleive me anyway, because I was already judged wrong in his head and then I was lying!And he just got more angry because I was blind to our problems. Some problems ARE real but not the ones during the A, they were all colored by his feelings for her.<BR>I beleive he was unhappy for a time before the A,in a vague way that long time married people have sometimes.I also beleive he manipulated our problems and blew them up in his head to make what he was doing "right". He was still angry at me,even after he came home, for months(course he was still in contact with her online)for "causing" him to cheat.It took no contact for him to begin to see the reality of his OWN actions. <BR>HIs anger about the imagined stuff is gone and now he is only angry at the REAl stuff. And you know what, NOW that his loyalty has shifted back, now that WE are worth it again,the anger is healthy. And we are working on our problems as we should have always been.

My WS (H) says the bottom-line reason for his having A was the anger he felt toward me because of my not meeting his SF and affection needs. Yes, I realize NOW that it was a big problem, I wasn't the greatest at this. But, I remember during time of the A how withdrawn he was...like he had never been before. At that time I tried to talk to him, begged him to share what was wrong with him> I even begged him to go to marriage counseling, I set it up, he wouldn't go with me, (his reason: because I wouldn't go with him about a year earlier when he tried to get me to go..it was true; I went once and didn't like the counselor),so this time I went myself a few times to at least talk with someone about how to deal with him.<P>I feel like the OW was giving him attention at work, he was enjoying it, and the more attention he got from OW, the more angry he got with me, the more he blew it all up to justify what he really wanted to do...have PA with other person. Instead of coming to me, telling me what was going on in his head about OW..but he denies that he had thoughts.. I still don't believe it. I wish he had told me, I would have listened!<P>H denies this though, says our problems were already there, it's not about the OW, that it is about his hurt, depression, anger, US. But I don't know..I ask: Then WHY didn't you tell me then? Why didn't you go to marriage counseling? WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THAT PATH (the A)? I don't understand, if it really was about us, his anger about our issues, why didn't he drive straight home the minute he started to engage in the first "event" of the PA, grab me and say "I"M angry with you, this is what almost happened, we've got to work this out!" His reply,... he says he tried to tell me for about two years before it happened, and I wouldn't listen.<P>But one problem with that... I don't think I'm that dumb. I think I would of caught on had he told me.<P>So I wonder if it really was the fact that I had caused this anger from not meeting EN's, and now I have this knowledge about what to do to keep my H faithful, and therefore the control of my marriage. OR... was it really not about the "anger", but the fact that I had a selfish H who wanted it, and used the anger to justify what he did in order to live with himself. <P>I continue to wrestle with this daily.