Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Oh I am so sorry that this happened to you and I CAN SO RELATE!!! my sister helped me to pack H stuff and I actually filed and have since reconciled and I got the "well you are such a fool" beating also... the weird thing is that many of my coworkers knew what was going on and they knew when I filed and after the reconciliation I only had one guy who told me I was a fools ,,, most everyone else said that they just wanted me to be happy and they would be supportive.... (of course they said this to my face,,, I am not so sure what has been said behind my back) <BR>But I do know one thing,,, they do not pay my bills and they will disappear after a while and everything will settle down... Hang in there,,, I will be praying for you..<BR>C1

Oh my dear LnCo,<P>I am sorry you have been hurt by more people. I do advocate to speak to someone, but they must be those who respect your wishes. That is what I tell those I have confided in. Depending on their responses, I may or may not let them in my confidence. <P>Hey, a few of my friends and even relatives would like to pound some sense into H and OW, but I let them vent and remind them that for now, it is I that needs the support and out of respect for me, I need them to not do that. Even though I may want to see that for myself, I know that is not the way to handle it. <P>Are they saying this to say they are showing their support for you? In a wacko type of way, some persons respond by wanting to defend your honor. Maybe not the way you want but they are making an attempt none the less. <P>To those of my friends that have said that, I tell them I will let them know when I need their services. At that point we laugh a little and go on. <P>I love my friends and family who have rallied to support me. I am glad someone wants to defend my honor. They may be a bit over zealous but their hearts are in a better place than my H's right now. Usually they calm down and then begin to offer the kind of support I really need. Remember for them this is a shock also and people react differently to shock. <P>Hope this helps a bit. Please take care. Here is my e-mail address if you need (). I can give you my phone # there,if you need to talk. <P>L.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 15, 2001).]

Hi Lost,<P> Don't beat yourself up....you're doing the best you can and this will make you more selective of who to tell. You're only human and it's hard NOT to tell.<P>Anyway, my sister reacted like your friends did.....she really thought I was crazy for taking him back, but talk is cheap , you know? The most important thing is how you feel and your family.. ...I hope you realize that it is honorable to want your H back and DOES not make you a doormat(my sister thought I was) She would've loved if I D him and "showed him"... We support you Lost, and you are not a pushover.....LU

Here's who REALLY not to tell - MOM!<P>The words, "If you take him back, I'll disown you" were tough to swallow!<P>You did nothing wrong... and the PC term for "retarted" is "developmentally delayed"... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B><BR>Be VERY careful who you tell and how much you tell. I should have never said anything about the A. If H ever comes to my office, he will be beat down instantly by these women. H does deserve it, but still.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi again,<P>Yes, you are right about that! The women, especially, kept their eyes opened for him, and wanted to call security on him (he always looked REALLY mad!!) because they were worried that he'd hurt me/OM/himself... it got VERY, VERY icky!!<P>I cried to my boss, my co-workers, students (I worked at a college) everyone who would listen. Plus, I looked like crap myself, so everybody pretty much knew that there were BIG PROBS...<P>Really, don't beat yourself up too much... you gotta talk sometimes!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Put your rings back on for you not them. I took mine off after my PA 8 years ago. It was my way of telling my hubby that I was sorry and felt ashamed and unworthy of his love and forgiveness. I should have let the words speak instead of the actions. Perhaps then we could have resolved our problems. Maybe he would have said that he did not forgive me but just couldn't find the words to say it and break up our young family. Maybe he wouldn't have had a PA of his own. I found out 8 weeks ago and have been in hell ever since. Four weeks ago I put my ring back on. It is one of the few things that give me comfort. Read these posts and learn from all of our mistakes ans success!

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Take a breath LostnCo,<P>If these people at work are your true friends they will support you in whatever descion you make. That is what a TRUE friend would do. I have told many of my friends here but in my talking with them have indicated that reconciliation is not totally out of the question for me. At any rate I think if we did get back together at this time we would still need to move from this neighborhood. The people you told are angry because they see your pain but let them know how important your marriage is to you and what you really need is their support in this as it is definatly the tougher of the two roads. They will respect your committment. <P>Take Care.

Lost,<BR>First of all, do a little damage control, tell these women you were upset, and sorry if they misunderstood that you fully intend to do whatever you can to repair your marriage, and you would prefer that if they have the opportunity to speak to your husband that on your behalf--a personal favor-- they either not speak or are polite.<P>It may not work, but it's worth a try. My prayer partner/nearby neighor blasted my H while he was standing in our driveway. It didn't help, but he got over it.<P>As for the rings--don't try this!--but I winged my rings at my H more than once, but our problems lasted well over 2 years and there were times my Plan A wasn't as good as it could have been . Wear them if you want. I'd put them on when he was in the house, take them off when we separated. The last time I put them on was with my H on a beach in Mexico with us both saying we were sorry, making new vows, promises. Right now neither of us are wearing them--too tight! But whether we wear our rings or not, we are definitely married in action & attitude.<P>Be assured, just because you make a few mistakes, it still can work out. Try to think out the way you want to handle things...and follow it as best you can. Forgiving yourself if you fail, and trying again.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

For me, I took off my rings for about 2 months in Sept, Oct. I then put them back on. I don't think I will take it off until the papers are signed. That is when the marriage is over, for me.<P>I am hurting like hell right now. Be a doormat, don't be a doormat, divorce him, don't divorce him, get a job, don't get a job. You will always find someone to support you and someone who thinks what you are doing is wrong. The problem is, doing what is right for yourself. that has been the hard part for me, not only do I have to look out for myself, I have to look out for our kids.<P>I have basically given up and I am proceeding with the divorce. Something I don't want but will do because it is the only thing I can do now to protect me and the kids.<P>Hopelessmom

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B>Here's who REALLY not to tell - MOM!<P>The words, "If you take him back, I'll disown you" were tough to swallow!<P>You did nothing wrong... and the PC term for "retarted" is "developmentally delayed"... <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh my god, you could not have said anything more true than that comment. My mother knows we are separated, but I told her it was because my H had some issues on maturity to settle. Knowing him she took that as an answer. Yet everytime she calls, she lives a distance, she's always badgering me about "How are things, etc. etc." trying her darndest to find out what is really going on. I have been married for 22 years and tolerated a lot of poop from this man. The A was more than I could take. Separated now but still wanting to make it work. Why? I don't know.<P>