It's been two months since I first found out. It's been two days since I realized that I have not even begun to forgive and I am so emotionally disconnected, I'm basically just sticking in there cause it's the right thing to do. My husband has been doing everything he can to let me know that he loves me and is committed to working thru this. The problem is that alot of the time, I don't want to be around him. I'm very moody and irritable. I know that I should be trying my hardest to walk in love 1 Corinthians 13 but I am so emotionally exhausted, I don't know where to begin. We are in counseling but I just don't like the fact that I can't seem to get that old feeling back. The feeling of that deep love and oneness that I used to feel. I want to be "in love" again and its killing me that I just don't feel that way. He's trying really hard but it doesn't seem to be enough.

Hi DC denise...since i am not sure of your situation.....<P>that old feeling.....i cant say really can ever come back but a new godo feeling can after time.<P>The truth is.... this is a marriage, life changing situation. <P>mercy<P>

DCDenise,<P>My situation sounds a lot like yours, however, I'm on the other side. I had the A. My H & I get along if we don't bring it up. I've tried so hard to show how sorry I am & how much I love him, but it's not enough. He says he loves me, but isn't "in love" with me. I want so desperately to get that feeling back too.<P>All I can tell you is that it's only been 2 months. Give it time & you're feelings may change. Good luck. I'll be hoping everything works out for you.

What you are experiencing is fairly normal at this stage. Actually, staying because it is the right thing to do is a great place to start. It would be easier to run away, but not healthier in the long run.<P>My husband and I are over three years since the revelation and end of his affair. I have forgiven him and love him deeply. Sometimes I am more passionate about that love than others.....the nature of hormones, work stress, and life in general. This doesn't mean I'm not "in love" with him.<P>Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. It isn't forgetting. The choice to forgive must sometimes be made several times a day in the beginning, but with time and healing, that will get better and the feelings of forgiveness will follow.<P>I think we all confuse the passion and intensity of early love with being...or not being...."in love." The bottom line is that those feelings can't be maintained 24/7. It doesn't mean you never have those feelings again, just that you don't have them all the time. You learn what brings those feelings on and what kills them. Love is about shared history, shared victories. Love is about staying because it is the right thing to do and working things out. Love is looking beyond the other person's faults and finding the good that is within them. Love is being able to fail and know that your spouse will be right there beside you to help you pick up the pieces.<P>You are in counseling...this is great. I'd also like to recommend my favorite book on healing after an affair. The title is Torn Asunder and the author is Dave Carder. I believe it is the best book available for the couple trying to restore their marriage. I also highly recommend Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Lewis Smedes and Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby. The second is a devotional that brought me great comfort and peace during the healing process and even served to prepare me to find out about the affair.<P>You have a long journey ahead of you...I can't lie. But the good news is that it gets better with each passing day and I can tell you from my perspective that the journey is worth it.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

DC Denise<P>I can appreciate how you are feeling. I've been twice betrayed by my H, that latter of which actually resulted in his desire to marry the OW. That was one year ago. Like you I have stayed because it was the right thing to do and like you I am emotionally exhausted.<P>I've walked the path of forgiveness before so I know it can be reached. However, like you, even after 14 months, I haven't reached it this time. <P>Myself I am searching on how to forgive. I feel my situation at hand is bigger than before and given the scars taht were there before, its more difficult to bring healing to this wound at the same pace as before. But I trust I will get there.<P>In reading your replies I have to agree with what was said. You're on the right path but it really is much too soon to think that you could possibly forgive. Healing takes years. I'm sorry to say this but it does. Even after just one year you will be surprised and perhaps even disappointed by how little you have progressed. That's not true for everyone but I think as you read the posts you will see it is common and holds true for a greater number.<P>But don't let that slow movement towards healing discourage you. You will get there and, in time, and because of the passage of time, you will learn to forgive.<P>Forgiving doesn't have to be something you "give" to your spouse. It is what you give to yourself. It is for you. Not for the offender. It's a decision to forgive because you won't let the person who has hurt you rob from you any further. That you are letting go of the hurt and anger because it is controlling you and changing you and you are now ready to stop letting it rob you of who you really are.<P>It seems you are not ready for that yet. The wound is still so fresh, it is reasonable to not be ready. Please give yourself time and read the books mentioned in other posts. I plan to do the same for myself I am searching for how to forgive. And it's been over a year.<P>Best of luck to you. Just don't give up.

Dear DC,<P>This is all relatively new to you. Even though you feel like you have been in it for an eternity. The information you have been given by HGBrawner is good. I have learned much from her words of wisdom. They have calmed my troubled soul. <P>I would like to share some things that have helped me. First a little background. WS is in a ea/pa for going on 8 months. d/d for me was almost 5 months ago. H moved out 3 1/2 months ago. The torment and frustration that is echoed here at this board, is exactly how I felt. Couple with the fact that the OW in my life is a bit psyco and very selfish. Thinks she owns my H. Even accuses me of seducing my own H and 24/7 him. Oh well, how shallow and selfish. <P>During this ordeal of mine, I learned this was not unique. Many here could tell me what I needed to prepare for and what to anticipate on H's part. True to life it happend. H was so classic in his reactions and even his responses sounded like they came out a the WS's handbook to infidelity. <P>Ok, now how did I learn to cope. The Harley's have a great sight here. I read all the writeups, printed them up in a binder for H and copied all the questionnaires. Then I purchased some of the books, like surviving an affair, his needs/her needs, etc. I kept reading and posting my questions and concerns. Sometimes I posted my fears. Other times I learned from the posts of others. I was not alone. <P>One post that helped me was when someone on the divorcing/divorce board talked about the 5 stages of grieving. I posted a question about this and got a very good response on the d/d site. If you can look up the post on the d/d site under the title: 5 stages of grieving.... there were 2 persons that posted there that helped me put this in perspective. They helped me see that I divided it up in smaller steps, I would not tire my self out trying to be the best all the time and worry about doing the wrong thing. I also learned to respect myself and am a great advocate of refusing to be treated like a doormat. I have even asked my supporters to monitor me so that I do not allow H or anyone to treat me disrespectfully. <P>Anyway, the road before you is hard. You have your H working with you, this is a plus you must acknowledge. There are many of us that wish we were in that position. Take a look at the questionnaires, if you and your H can scheduled a couple of visits (by phone is good) with the Harley's, your chances of recovery will improve. Your heart and mind will tell you when you can put closure on this terrible part of your life. The Harley's and those here can help you and your H get to that point. In turn, you will be able to help others. <P>Sorry for the long post. I just get happy when I see that both mates are trying together. I am rooting for you both. <P>L.