I am what you would call a lurker. I am trying to understand the concept of this site, because frankly I am at a loss.<P>Don't take this the wrong way, but why would you want to take back a man who has cheated on you? A lot of you have taken back a cheating husband time and time again, while others try to change themselves to get a cheating man to come back to them. Don't you have any respect for yourselves? If they have cheated once, it's almost guaranteed that they will cheat again. How low is your self esteem to degrade yourselves like this? You let these men walk all over you. You allow yourselves to be treated like garbage. You actually forgive them for cheating on you, and then you wonder why they keep doing it again and again. Come on, what man is going to resist having his cake so thoroughly frosted?<P>You need to leave these men alone. Nobody is worth changing who you are, especially not these lying, philandering jerks I've been reading about here. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, and he cheated on me with the stripper at his bachelor party. I left him at the alter and I have never looked back. Any man who could commit such a terrible wrong could not love me the way that a husband should. You ladies need to leave these men and get on with your lives. There's better fish in the sea.<P>

FlyGirl,<P>A few comments. It is not true that people who cheat will continue to cheat over and over again. Some do but most don't.<P>One, question. How do you explain the woman that cheat on their husbands? Since you apparently think only men cheat, what do you call what women do? Oh! and who do men cheat with? Woman! Who do women cheat with? Men!<P>It isn't just a male problem and the statistics show that women are rapidly reaching parity with men in the cheating category. I am sure NOW and other such organization are delighted with the fact that women are catching up. <P>If you really are interested in the concepts being discussed and used on this site, permit me to direct you to the "Just Found Out" section of this site. Within that section you will find a "General Greeting" posted by NSR. In that posting are bookmarks to a variety of articles about the various techniques used. Or you can go back to the entry point of this site, and read some of the articles by Harley on various aspects of marriage and relationships. There is something of everyone there.<P>Hope this helps,<P>JL<P>PS: I think if you read here for any length of time you realize two things about the betrayed spouses here: 1. They know the true meaning of love. 2. They took their marriage vows seriously. I seriously doubt you will find stronger more noble people anywhere. By the way, I am neither a BS or WS.

CB<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited April 10, 2001).]

I have been married 28 years to a man I love who did something really stupid,one time. ONE TIME. I will not give up the life I worked for all that time because he had a moment of weakness. He is human, he made a horrible misatke. I said I would never do this but when faced with the possiblity of the rest of MY life, with grandchildren with separate grandparents, with the possibilty of our sitting apart at our childrens weddings, with DATES, for Gods sake, That's not what MY life is supposed to be. He forgot that for a short time but he is back, better than he was ever here,truth to tell.<BR>I am doing this for MYSELF and don't have to justify it to anyone but ME. MY life has improved in some ways and it sucks in some ways. But isn't that just life? Nothing is perfect not even love.

CB--why even respond....<BR>Some people just don't understand that people are human are very capable of making mistakes...Who hasn't? Some people haven't come across a beautiful concept of forgiveness....and a love that endures and conquers anything....<BR>If they want to live their life in anger and have it devour them internally for the rest of their life that is their perogative...the only thing I can say is that is truely sad...and what a waste of missing out on all life has to offer.

Fly girl,<P>I can only speak for myself. We are called to live in peace.<BR>If we throw away everyone who makes a mistake, there wouldn't be anyone left. Let him without sin cast the first stone. If you never forgive then I pray you never sin.<BR>We all sin and no one can say this sin is worse than that sin. God is the only judge. If you are living your life like there is no God, you better be sure you are right,<BR>you will not get another chance.<P>It doesn't matter if you have unkind things to say back to me. It is your life on the line, not mine. <P>I hope you find peace.<BR>gentle

I can't answer for anyone execpt myself. I stayed with my H because I love him, and because I made a vow before God that I would stay with him for better or for worse, richer or poorer, until death do us part. I take those vows seriously. If you have never been married you can not understand. <P>I would like to know why you seem to have the need to bash us for doing what we believe is best for ourselves and our families. <P>Are you angry with someone who has refused to give up their marriage ? Have you ever been involved with a married person ? Why are you here if what we do bothers you so much ?

FlyGirl,<P>If you are truly interested in <B>understanding</B> the concepts of this site, my suggestion is that you read all of the literature that is available here. Start at the home page, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com</A> and go from there. When you have read everything, you will understand far more than you can simply by questioning. The Marriage Builders website is so much more than just the Infidelity General Questions II forum. <P>Explore, read, consider. And remember that this place is to be considered a safe haven for those who are here to work on their relationships. If you have relationship issues that you would like to share with us, please feel free to do so. We are here to listen and help.<P>------------------<BR><B>Tempest</B>, Moderator<BR>Marriage Builders Infidelity Forums:<BR><I>General Questions II, Just Found Out...,<BR>Plan A/Plan B, In Recovery</I> <BR>and <I>Read-Only Posts</I>

Congratulations to everyone who "Let her have it"!!<P>I too felt the way she did, this was of course BEFORE my husband had an A. Now my attitude about life, love, marriage, myself, etc has changed. <P>If you were left at the alter you had no commitment, no years of life invested with another human being. If you consider your actions to be so gallant compared to trying to make a marriage work after an A, you are in a completely different world. You are a sunflower seed, those of us who have invested years in a marriage are pumpkins, there is no comparison.<P>Don't spit in the wind dear, it tends to land smack on your nose.

Flygirl: <P>Shame on you...this is hard enough on all the people here without your input...personally I don't care what you think...you're allow to think whatever you want...but don't expect many people here to want to listen...not to obnoxious ramblings...stay here a while...read what's really going on and what these people are going through and see if you can't find a little understanding. It's a little different when you've got lives entangled, children and family involved to just cut the cord and let them swing in the wind...even if that is the first reactive response to this situation. And if the statistics are right 75% of all marriage will be affected by some type of infidelity...maybe its time we tried to discover why...and draw a line and say marriage is worth saving.<P>If you really are concerned about us...then stay...learn...discuss your point of view...but don't expect us to come running over to your side just because you've called us names and questioned our self-esteem. This isn't always about self-esteem...it's about dealing with what is happening in a way that hopefully will result in the restoration of a marriage....and it's hard and hurtful but all things worth having are worth fighting for.<P>More then likely you're just stirring up trouble because that is your nature. Go away if you're not here to help or to heal. No one needs you.<P>Faye <P><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited April 09, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FlyGirl:<BR><B>I am what you would call a lurker. I am trying to understand the concept of this site, because frankly I am at a loss.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well <B>Flygirl</B>, you aren't really a lurker in the truest sense, are you? Actually, you came here originally for one reason only -- to trash Carolina Belle in my thread.<P>I won't go get the post you made, but you were brutal and horribly mean. As I told you on my thread, you wrote the cruelest post I've seen in a long while -- and VIOLATED CB's "safe haven."<P>As I told you then, if you TRULY need help in YOUR situation, then you are welcome here... but don't expect everyone to reach out to you with open arms. <P>If you don't actually need help... if you are here just to cause problems for CB and/or others, then don't expect a positive reception.<P>I suspect you won't be back to answer these replies... as you weren't last time. Hit and run -- that's more your style.<P>As Statue said in my thread: Karma will get you... and I wouldn't want to be you when it does.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 10, 2001).]

why? <P>it is personal for each and every person who makes a decision to stay and try to rebuild...but for me, it was what my H posted here:<P><I>"""" This is my first time posting to this board and I'm not really sure where to start, so bear with me please. I came here on the advice of my Wife who has decided to stay with me even though I completely betrayed her. we are taking drastic steps to<BR>save our marriage. To do this, she holds back a lot of pain; (smiling at me instead of chopping certain body parts off, for example)I am feeling so guilty about my actions and this is compounded by the shame of being treated as though I were forgiven. I cheated on my Wife and can barely handle the guilt- not only for the cheating, but also for lying to her for so long.<P>In fact the cheating is bad, really bad,but to me the lies are even worse. I not only lied to Her while it was happening, but when I couldn't handle the guilt anymore, I ended up telling another lie- that is, misrepresenting the scope and timeframe of<BR>my affair. I figured that a half truth would inform Her of the affair, and let me ease my<BR>conscience and minimize the pain she would suffer. Look I know how f**king ridiculous<BR>this sounds, but bear with me please... I thought I knew what I was doing, that is I had justifications and reasons and all that nicely figured out(not really, but enough so that I could carry the affair on<BR> for about 3 months) A few days after telling Her that I'd only been with the OW twice, my ex-I don't know what to even call her....OW, sent me a particularily nasty<BR>email. Because I had been avoiding reading her emails and had not taken any steps to hide her communiques in general, my Wife found the email and read it. Though it did not allude to any specifics, (as did the numerous emails that followed to my wife from the OW,)the raw emotion and hurt in the email (I had recently told her that I could not lie to my Wife anymore, was going to tell her and that there was no chance of continuing our "affair" (which was patchwork-y' at best through the 3 months)it was obvious to my wife that this woman was not suffering from the breakup of a two day affair.<BR> <P> I was given a chance to come clean. <BR>Never have I felt shame like I did that night. Never. The guilt that one carriewhile having an affair is tremendous- especially when one truly loves one's spouse. But<BR>the shame in lying is far worse. I told<BR>the truth as best as I could remember it. While having the affair, I put a lot of effort into denying that it was happening. It was the only way I could come home and look my Wife in the eyes. I would try to pretend that it wasn't happening and pretend that I never did what I did. The raw fear of Her leaving me didn't help. Still, She so far has been patient with me. She asks me questions and I answer. I am frightened because if I were one of her friends, I would be counselling her to 'leave the bum - you deserve better' which she does. <BR> <BR>My problem is this; How can I EVER hope to regain my Love's trust?<BR>My integrity has been pissed away and cannot expect to have my words taken as truth. <P>I have lost every shred of self respect I ever had. I've jeoprodized my Marriage<BR>and Family. Cruelly hurt the Woman of my heart. Despite the probs we have had, she has been a good wife, caring for me and my children (one from another marriage) and put up with me even though (since my Mother's death three years ago) I have been a pathetic loser. In return for this, I have been a LIAR and a CHEATER. And I'm finding it very hard to bear. (some of you are probably saying "GOOD!" and I don't blame you.) I can't exactly turn to my Love for sympathy, so I'm hoping to find others who feel as bad as I do or perhaps have already overcome their probs.Gawd, this has<BR> turned into a long introduction. If it seems rambling and disjointed, well, welcome to my head. <BR> humbled and ashamed """""</I><P><BR>that's why.<P><BR>Dylan<P><BR>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles<p>[This message has been edited by soulloss (edited April 10, 2001).]

I AM JUST WONDERING WHAT THE NICKNAME FlyGirl means.<P>Do you just "let it fly"?<P>Or is your "fly down"?<P>Or would you perhaps like to "fly right on out of here"?<P>Get a life girl!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."<p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited April 10, 2001).]

Soullost<P>Thanks for sharing your H note,,, it has touched me and given me the perspective that I needed to understand not just my hurt but also my H.<P>thanks you so much<BR>c1

Soullost;<P><BR>I have a question for you, my husband did the same thing, he told me the affair was only for a period of a month and a half when in reality it was 4 months.<P>The night I found out he said he was going to tell her it was over. The next few days I continued to ask him if he had heard from her. He said no, then finally 4 or 5 days later said yes, and he had told her it was over.<P>The truth, he called her the next day and spoke for an hour and a half. Never broke it off with her.<P>A week later he agreed to let the two of us talk, said he had lied to everyone and wanted it out. He had said we were separated, I told her the truth. He went to her (l80 miles away) a few days later and said "IF I ever get my life straightened out maybe we can work things out."<P>In the meantime, he's leading me to believe the opposite. Well she told him adios. Now we are living separately, he says he wants only me, the time away from her has cleared his head, said it was only sex.<P>What do you think? I feel like 2nd choice.