Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

YOU are doing the right thing...You can't be a doormat by being strong and that's what you are STRONG for myour marriage.The Cs position should be to help you save the M. If she doesn't, get another one. <P>I hope it goes well, My prayers go with you

You are doing te right thing..a councelor will only help guide you in the direction which is best for you. They certainly won't tell you that you're being a doormat. My thoughts and best wishes are with you. Keep your chin up.

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

I'm hoping you didn't cancel your appt. Seeing a therapist/marriage councillor can be very strengthening and uplifting... To you as a person, which you can bring into the fight for your marriage. Keep in mind, that C's are in abundance, and if you don't 'click' with this particular one, you can always try another. Don't give up. Add as many positives to your support system as you can. And we'll always be here to help out and listen as well. My best to you...

Dear LnCo,<BR> <BR>Sorry, I missed you before you left. You are seeing a professional. Their job is to listen and help you. See that as an friend. If this is your first visit, chances are they will just let you talk while they either take notes or just listen. <P>It is important that you are comfortable with them. Go ahead speak your mind. They should be used to that. That's what we are paying them for right? Yes. Will chat with you later. <P>L.

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Deleted...<p>[This message has been edited by LostNco (edited April 14, 2001).]

Dear LnCo,<P>Ok, so your visit had + & -. It should this is a building relationship that you are creating to help you fix the other one. Good for the pluses. <P>Your C has given you somethings to think about? Then you have some homework. Sounds like she wants you to be able to explain yourself clearer to her. She is coming from a totally objective never before heard standpoint. Her questions may seem stabbing but hearing our situations for the first time would throw anyone. I used to be very opininated when I heard about my friend having these types of problems. Bad me. <P>Work with her. Show her you are capable of explaining yourself. When she makes you feel like she is going against you, don't lb her, sit back and ask her why is she doing this to you? Throws them everytime. Just some hints. Sounds like she wants you to strengthen your character and have you make some decisions so you are not used or stepped on by others. <P>The parts where she made you rethink your answers were good. Stimulating those gray cells. You know since you have a woman C it she may be more direct than a male C. Mine is a man and he sits back more often. Except when he got a little perturbed when H would not answer questions and kept avoiding the subject. Hey, that would make me perturbed also. <P>Have you scheduled another visit? Now you have that to compare with all the Harley notes given by others here. <P>L.

Cs are funny creatures,huh? I agree with some of what she said. When they seem like they are being "mean", they are really trying to get you to think!<P>For myself only, I agree completely with her position on confronting him I have learned that our relationship had to be destroyed in order to re-build. But I was ready to go forward alone, if I had to. Maybe you're not there yet? Doesn't HAVE to be Plan B,not if you are willing to save the M and you tell him that,upfront. Just do it safely,,,I confronted immediately on the first evidence I found. It was evidence of an EA, didn't know about the PA.(YUCK)He thought he would never be able to come home because that had always been my position. If I had givem him some room for error,STS, it may not have gone as far as it did. He felt that once he kissed her, it was already too late.WRONG!! It would have been so much easier if he had felt safe enough to tell me we were in trouble. He came clean and cmae home a few days later! So, confronattion doesn't necessarily mean the end.

Hi Lost,<P> Can you scrape together enough $ for even one session with Steve H or Jennifer? You can get so much out of one session...You can tell them upfront that you can't afford more and they can give you insight. One session with Steve was always worth about 4 with a "regular" counselor...We went to two other Cs and I got nowhere with them.<P><BR>Hold your ground and make sure you don't get cast as the "bad guy". One C I had said, that she could see why my H had an affair....that I was a certain personality type and my H was another(I almost think she had a crush on him!).....she said we weren't "aligned"....(what bull!)...LU

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B> Should you know if you click with them right away? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, I think you can tell RIGHT AWAY!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I'm concerned about one thing she did say. You are making your H to not be a nice guy, what do you love about him. I couldn't think, I froze..I stammered and said I love him and I'm in love with him. This deeply concerns me. Should I be worried???<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>If the idea is that you want to SAVE your marriage, then yes, you SHOULD be concerned! Follow your instincts!!<P>I wish you could see the Harley's... or at least someone who wants to HELP SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>OH OH!! C did say that if OW is the slut you think she is and H and OW did have a PA, you need to confront him to know if you are going to get an STD. C said get to a doctor and get your self checked out since you've had sex since the PA. I agree on getting checked out, but do I confront???<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>Total honesty IF IT IS SAFE is good. DO GET TESTED!! Yes, it's scary, but it's so worth the piece of mind!! DO IT SOON!!!! And frankly, with my ex, I made us use protection whenever we had intercourse until he was tested... LIFE is PRECIOUS.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

It's ok if you stammer a bit...sometimes a C asks questions in a way you haven't thought out.<P>You have to be strong, committed, patient to save a marriage. Let her know that is what you want...and ask her to help you develope those qualities.<P>As a veteran of 7 separations/reconciliations, the ping-ponging might not stop until you stand firm and say with Plan B or Tough Love "no more". But I know in my case with an 18 month Plan A...my H knew I loved him, had no doubt, and when I finally said, "that's enough", it had an effect. However, I didn't do it for effect, I did it because I truly had had enough and hardly cared about the marriage any more, it had been too difficult. You don't really want to get to that point...we are recovering, but it is slow.