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I think you said it all. I wish I could be more help but I'm goofing at work...Honey, your pain just jumps off the page. I hope this goes as you want it to. <BR>It is forceful and loving at the same time. I wish you strength and patience and love.<BR>

Maybe you just need to get tested and find out yourself. He would not admit anything about STD. My wife did not tell me that she might have STD. She risked my life and did not tell me. The doctor phoned me and said she had STD> It is easier to detect STD in women then in men. Your husband may not know he has any STD. The other woman may not know if she has or has not.

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Dear LostNco:\De<BR>I don't know if my wife gave me an STD but I think so. The doctor automatically gave both of us antibiotics just in case. I have had a blood test but the doctor said sometimes something like AIDS does not show up for three years? I don't think I have this. My wife had Chlamydia and Gonorr<BR>gonorrhea. She said in China she was very familiar with these diseases but she took a chance that the guy was clean and did not have a disease. The guy told her he was clean and she believd him. I can see you are trying to make a point to my husband. I tried many ways to make a point to my wife but nothing seems to work. So dont be disappointed if your letter does not work. Also your husband might see through your letter and know it is not a real question but just a ploy to have him feel more guilty. I have tried the same kind of letters. None have worked to get my wife to tell the real story. She feels the real story will only give me a worse image of her.

LostNco in my opinion this is a PLAN B letter not a question of asking if he put u at risk for an STD. U say u KNOW FOR A FACT that it is a physical affair. If u know that then u should know that YES U NEED TO BE TESTED. Condoms are not 100% guareenteed. If he says YES get tested that is just the same as admitting the affair, which u have said he will not admit. Give him the letter, but omit the STD question when u already have you answer.

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One thing that should be added to your letter is that someday soon he will come out of his "fog" and see that what he has with the OW is a fantasy. There were none of life's problems or worries to deal with. If he was with her fulltime, the bubble would burst and he would see reality...a life with a low-moral woman who will probably cheat again when she feels her needs not being met. Tell him that you were not happy with your marriage as it was but you did not choose to break your marriage vows. And now, you are still wanting to give him a chance to reconcile. <P>Now, Lost, later-after you get him back- you tell him that it was NOT your fault he strayed. He wasn't meeting your needs either, and you had enough character and morals to know that you had vows and you don't go outside of the marriage when times are rough. He should have insisted on a counseling or separated before cheating. DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for his A.<P>

Ask yourself this...do you want to continue to have him ping pong? Can you do that and still Plan A? Are you prepared if he decides to leave once he knows you know?<P>Confrontation doesn't always mean the end of the M. It meant the end of the A, in my case. Can't speak for anyone else. But,I wouldn't share my H. I knew about the EA,but not the PA. I made it clear I wouldn't wait,in a letter,much meaner than yours. He came home and confessed about 30 minutes later. Maybe it was wrong,it's not the Harley way,but it did work here. Not suggesting you do the same but there's more than one way to skin a cat.<P>You follow YOUR heart. You Love him, he knows that. My feeling was that if he wanted HER, I didn't want him.And I meant it. Oh God, I don't know what to say,wish I were there to give you a hug...this is so hard.

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR>*****Quote deleted by Moderato*****<BR>[/b]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Honestly, I would delete everything I have in italics and no, I wouldn't add that last "[censored]" part. Isn't the idea to Plan A him? Bringing up the OW won't help at this point -- he won't listen. If you are going to Plan B him, then it's a different story. But then you're writing the letter to PROTECT THE LOVE you still have before it's all gone. Look up NSR's Plan B posts.<P>Best wishes on this... I like the letter idea. If it's truly ONLY about the STD testing...personally, I would go get tested and if he asks I'd be honest. I wouldn't trust him to know the truth or to tell it at this point.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<P>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 10, 2001).]<BR><p>[Note: This message has been edited by Tempest]

Dear Lost,<P>I know you don't want to add anything in your letter about him being in a fantasy...but you know what? That is what made my H stop and think. The seed was planted. He pondered about that later and finally admitted it was true.<BR>He realized that he didn't even know her "emotional side" they were so busy trying to be on their best behavior and best appearance. This was a 20 month A, a very serious one. So if I got through to him, I was hoping it may help you. He might not like to hear it, but it will come back to him later.<P>Good luck on the whole situation. I hope it works out for you whichever way it goes.<P>

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Si <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B><BR>*****Quote deleted by Moderator*****<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LostN,<P>Find out about the STD yourself, don't confront him, atleast that's the concensus.<P>If this is paining you as much as you say, why do you wait to initiate Plan A? Why draw it out if it only hurts? <P>I'm just pointing out the obvious or perhaps I'm not. It's silly to trivialize someone's love when the H or W or whomever in whichever persons case is having an A.<P><BR>BTW, what is an LB?<P><p>[Note: This message has been edited by Tempest]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B>*****Quote deleted by Moderator*****<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LostN,<P>Sorry to hear that 8( I wish I had something to tell you that made everything better.. That "MIRACLE" cure ya know.<P>If H fessed up, and told the truth would you work it out with him even if he slept with OW? That would take some balls!! I could never do that I don't think!<P><p>[Note: This message has been edited by Tempest]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostNco:<BR><B>H did just admit it via phone 20 minutes ago. I do still want to work it out. Am I insane, maybe. Guess what Single4Evr, I've got some BIG BALLS! Not literally of course.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've never been a strong person. I envy you.<P>

hmmm<P>Well I just have to interject some personal experience into this. Although not entirely to your problem it can shed a good deal of insight into the matter.<P>4-5 maybe 6 years ago my life was pretty out of shape when my girlfriend dumped me for another man after being romanced for some time.. So I went searching for payback and ended up finding any ol gal to fill that purpose. Times were fast and easy and We ended up getting hitched in a las vegas chapel o love.. we had been married for 2 years, 2 months and 14 days until 1 year ago in december of 1999. Me and my wife split up. Pretty much both of us knew we were to get a divorce and more or less we vowed never to see each other again.. <P>All was well for 3-4 month until I went snooping into business that was not my own and discovered the wife had slept with another man a month prior to the break up, and several times since. Although that doesn't make it all feel better or worse to me in anyway. It did leave me curious as to why she was once again coming around and talking to me in my most infamous places of online chatter.<P>Soon I dug deep using my many resourceful skills and pulled logs of her and the man I loathe the most in this world. They had slept together and she was now pregnant with his child. I laughed for quite awhile, the whole time thinking "HAHA!!!!!!! YOU ARE SCREWED!"<P>BUT that didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse. Because the woman i cared about was now in trouble and needed help since the man who she thought cared for her had now left without much of anything but threats.<P>So I re-opened the relationship after a month or two and we moved back in so she had someone for emotional needs and I had gotten back some of what had made my life seem empty for so long.<P>Her term came and went and she delivered a wonderful baby boy. And then it seemed she did not need my support or company any longer. and just recently.. I'd have to say Monday it came to a brick wall and we have gone our seperate ways again..<P><BR>Onto your situation.. I can certainly undertand the pain a cheating spouse could cause and how devestated you must feel as a person. But one thing that has helped me in the past with those kinds of feelings.<P>"I am better than this, I will rise above and be a better person. I have good friends and still have a good life and I will succeed."<P> I've also found comfort in talking to my friends both online and in person. Even old friends I have thought would hate to even hear my name I have spoken to and they all have helped me though it all..<P>IF *I* had a certain understanding of your situation.. I would say.. Maybe there is a number of a old old friend you could find or even ask someone for to talk to, hang out with. have some fun with think back to when times were must simplier and easier perhaps this is the same old friend you would possibly be interested in talking to But this person would think you were too bitter about things that have happened in the past to actually objectively view the offer of help so they dance around in shadows courting around the issue but never being direct?<P>=)<P>if you did not get the meaning of this post please read it again. or even email me relentlessly until you have come to fully undertand it. <P>-J-