Hi folks-new and old! I ws told to write my book so hang on to your heartstrings and lets go for a ride.<P>My story begins June 1,1999. I had gone to work-I clean houses. When I got home I knew in an instant that something was wrong with my H. I was racing about getting myself a bite to eat and asked him if he wanted something. He said yes but when I served him his food he wasn't eating it.<P>I asked repeatedly what was wrong. Finally he said he had something terrible to tell me. Folks-I thought he had murdered someone the mood was so dark and dreary. He said "Deb, I had an affair". I asked with who. I thought for sure this was a joke-we are the joking type. He gave me the name of the gal I thought was my best friend. I asked him over and over to stop teasing me-and finally I realized it was no joke.<P>I cried. And I cried and I cried and I cried. For all of you wondering if you will ever stop crying or asking WHY or wondering what YOU did wrong let me tell you-one day there will come a time when you can truly not cry-or care enough to ask why any longer.<P>H and I are still to this day together. Has it been easy? NOT AT ALL. In fact-this has been about the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.<P>This is a second marriage for me. My first H cheated all the time. While it did hurt me I never felt the depth of pain that I have felt this time around. Why you ask......the answer is simple! I am married to a man I love with all my heart and soul. I am married to someone I never thought would do this to me-to his kids-to anyone. I am married to someone with morals-who knows wrong from right. I am married to someone who loves me just as much as I love him and regrets ever day of his torrid affair.<P>I am married to someone who can never undo the damage-the hurt-the pain-that he caused me. He accepts his responsibilty in the A.<P>PAGE 2-LOL<P>I spent almost 17 months with my mind reeling. I went from good days to bad days so quickly that is isn't even funny. I hd oh so many triggers that would send me falling flat on my face. I always asked WHY. The only answer I ever got was that my H thought I no longer needed him-that I didn't "love" him any more.<P><BR>We were both working all the time while trying to raise two young children. We wanted to buy a house of our own-it was also a second marriage for H. WE lost track of each toher. All we could do was work and save and work and save.<P>The part I played in this was that I unknowingly was not paying any attention to my H. H worked rotating shifts at that time-so there would be like 4 or 5 days where we might not hardly see each other at all.<P>Along came my friend-showering him with all sorts of attention. He dove in face first The rest is history.<P>While trying to get over this infidelity of ym H's I was also missing my friend beyond belief. Many of you are wodnering how I could even care when she was able to do this to me. It took me losing her to find out just how much I did like her. She and I had a ton of things in common-not yet I have I found another person to replace her in my life.<P>In October 2000 the OW sent me an email. Whoa............here I was sitting and wanting so bad to email her but never sure how to say things right and fearing rejection. All the things she said to me were things I had wanted to say to her. And she apologized-so many times. After all the hurt I had been living with I decided to accept her apologies and move on.<P>The OW and I emailed back and forth almost daily. In December she and I went shopping together-we spent about 8 hours together. I had a good time.<P>After the holidays things got a bit tense. I am not going to go deep into detail but let me say that things would come up that hurt me-the fact that she shared the events of her good times with other people now. Had the A not happened I would have been one of the people having the fun with her. Now I was on the outside looking in-and oh how it hurt. Also-she shares the same birthdate as my youngest-Valentines Day. She informed me that her H rented a limo-they went with 3 other couples, two of whom were sharing birthdays also,a dn went to the big city to have dinner, party, and drive around. My heart broke. This time it was becasue I could not believe she was telling me all this. The A between my H and the OW began on my 40th birthday - 6-16-1997 after she left my house.<P>From this time on I was having a hard time dealing with my emotions.<P>Then a few weeks ago she and I got ourselves all excited to go to a cocnert together. This is one of the many things we had done numerous times before the affair. When she talked to her H about it he didn't want her going. So she said she wasn't going to be able to go this time. While I truly understand her keeping the peace at home I still do not know why we were able to go together in December but now he didn't want her doing things with me.<P>I was also having to send emails to her college email as her H didn't like seeing my or H's name on their family account.<P>I asked her over and voer what had changed. No answer. All I was told was that I am a memory of my H (in her H's words) and he "doesn't wish to know the man even exists".<P>It all ended about 8 days ago. We are no longer talking.<P>I am relieved. As sorry as this gal said she was she still insisted on telling me time and again how "she could tell me things but I would think she was lying". Or how she could explain things but it wasn't any use so............<P>I liked this person I thought was my friend. Right now it seems that I will never have another person with as many of the same likes as I have in my life again. But I can't see how the relationship ever had a chance. I feel as though I gave it all I had. The only door I wasn't able to close was the one that kept swinging back and hitting me in the face. If one of you are behind me could you kindly close the door....................<P>You will all move on in this life. You are going to hurt and cry and scream and yell. But there is going to coem a day that you can hear a song and not cry-you won't really feel anything. Just hang in there-and if you get a chance watch Dr Phil on Oprah every Tuesday. I love that man!!!!!<P>I am still trying to get off my anti-depressants. This is now my third attempt. It is the hardest thing I think I have ever done. But if I can do it I will do it!!!<P>I love MB and all the people here that need each other. I saying blessings for you all!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

WOW! Great post! When u say OW would say "I could tell u things but I would think she is lying". Did she mean things about your H?

Now see, writing it all out wasn't so bad, was it? <P>...and I didn't even need to get out my reading glasses!!!<P>You are AMAZING and your H is blessed to have you as a wife.<P>Hugs!!!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

trying2_4give-<P>Yes that is exactly what I meant. I am not sure what she is referring to but I know from the last 22 months there is nothing she can tell me that would make a bit of difference. <P>For whatever reasons she has wanted to "tell me things" from day one. This has been her one threat. In the very beginning when I confronted her she said she could tell me things but didn't want to hurt me. I didn't bother telling her that the damage had already been done. <P>I am sure things were said between her and my H that would be hurtful to me. However................had my H not been in some alien spaceship when he decided to have the A then it would not have happened.<P>Or in other words-had he been happy and comfy with what we had at that time he would never have considered the affair. I amke no excuses for my H but I much prefer to think he at least thought he had feelings for this person than to believe he hated her but wanted a roll in the hay.<P>This way I know that the person I once thought I knew is indeed the person I still know.<P>There will always be unanswered questions but my story is a long one and not all detail is here. Basically I feel that the OW even though she has asked me for forgiveness and all somehow holds my H more responsible than she holds herself.<P>Oh well This i can not change.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

NB-how is it I sit here and brag about not crying over it any more but when I read what you write "You are AMAZING and your H is blessed to have you as a wife" I cry? Darn you <P>I loved this friend more than ever-it is ahrd to find a good friend. Obviously though she wasn't the good friend I thought she was. Never ever-not one time during their almost 2 year A-did I ever suspect anything. That is really sad.<P>But I know I have done my best to get through this the best way possible. I do not just hold one of them accountable. I do not hate any one. I did try to make amends and re-form the relationship with the OW. I feel I have out done myself!<P>Now it is time for ME. I have got to stop worrying about what was said and done and make ME the happy one here!<P>Sadly-I come back to MB-and my pain is renewed each time I see someone in the shoes I was wearing when I first arrived here. Nobody deserves this type of pain <P>Thanks for your reply and your sweet comments.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

It's good to hear that you're doing so well - was glad to see you on the other threads.<P>Keep on loving and growing - and I love Dr. Phil, too!<P>Lori

lostva-it is so good to have a "place to come back to". Thanks for writing!!!!!<P>I tell ya-happiness sure costs a pretty price doesn't it?<P>How are you doing? Well ,I hope!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Heartache,<P>First I guess I better watch Dr. Phil - I've heard so many people say that. Anyway, I'm insterested in your story. It is somewhat like mine. My H had an affair for over a year, I don't really know how long, with a friend of mine. A neighbor. She wasn't my best friend though she and her children were tightly intertwined with my family. Like you, I NEVER had a clue. <P>One thing I wanted to say to you though is, I CAN understand why your OW's husband does not like seeing you on their email. My H's OW isn't married now and she wasn't by the time I found out about the A. After I found out she would still call my house to talk to our daughter. It would KILL me to see her name on our caller ID. So, I know where he's coming from. Anything that brings up triggers is painful, don't you think? And that certainly would be a trigger, also going out to a concert would be too. IMHO. <P>BTW, my husband and I are together and doing great, DDay was about 19 months ago. (just thought I'd throw that in)<P>I however have from time to time wanted to meet/talk with the OW. She will Email me but she will NOT meet with me. That still bothers me because I fear its because she's afraid she'll tell me something or that she knows something that I don't know. I know she doesn't WANT to tell me anything more about IT. <P> I'm surprised your friend would WANT to talk to you about it. Does she act like she's still interested in your husband? Do you think that that is it now? You will no longer contact her? Did your husband mind? I don't think my husband would like me DOING things with her. I couldn't ever see myself doing things anyway. <P>-Brighterdays

Hi there brighterdays!!!!!<P>It is good to hear from you and I love talking with people that have a simliar story as it can be ever so helpful!!!!!<P>******One thing I wanted to say to you though is, I CAN understand why your OW's husband does not like seeing you on their email. My H's OW isn't married now and she wasn't by the time I found out about the A. After I found out she would still call my house to talk to our daughter. It would KILL me to see her name on our caller ID. So, I know where he's coming from. Anything that brings up triggers is painful, don't you think? And that certainly would be a trigger, also going out to a concert would be too. IMHO.****<P>I absolutely agree with what you are saying here. However, first of all to the bhest of my knowledge I don't have any reason to think either my H or the OW ever have intentions of resuming their past affair. Secondly, I think it takes a good hearted person to be able to be in my shoes and even want to talk with the OW. I liked her-plain and simple-and as much as I was hurt I know that some people are just hard to forget. I would like to think that her H would want peace rather than the hell we all go through when we see one another on the road-at the store-or anywhere. But-I am obviously made up of different stuff than he is <P>****I however have from time to time wanted to meet/talk with the OW. She will Email me but she will NOT meet with me. That still bothers me because I fear its because she's afraid she'll tell me something or that she knows something that I don't know. I know she doesn't WANT to tell me anything more about IT.****<P>I am glad I talked with the OW. I do think though that not everyone may feel glad once this is done. I was driving myself crazy with thoughts........wondering if she ever was my friend, if she was happy and moved on in her life while I was dying slowly, so many things. You see-we did everything together for about 5 years. As families we all traveled by auto from WA to CA to Disneyland. WE camped, shared meals, baby sat each others kids........the list goes on. So to ahve this bomb dropped on me and then to lose all touch over night was difficult for me to deal with. However-------I still don't know for sure if she was ever my friend or not. I choose to think so but after all the final emails that we wrote back and forth I believe I might have vested more "heart" into the relationship she and I had than she did. All in all it did give me closure this time-for that I am grateful.<P>****I'm surprised your friend would WANT to talk to you about it. Does she act like she's still interested in your husband? Do you think that that is it now? You will no longer contact her? Did your husband mind? I don't think my husband would like me DOING things with her. I couldn't ever see myself doing things anyway.****<P>I don't know why she wanted to talk. At times I like to think she felt as I did-that she lsot a very good friend. But at other times I wonder if she wanted to "dig into my life again and get information". Or if she wanted to ease her guilt by contacting me and apologizing. If this is the case then it is OK with me. For a long time I wanted her to hurt as badly as I did-day after day after day. Now I don't. I want to be a good person. I don't want to wish bad things on her. If I were to wish her poorly then I ought to rightfully wish the same for my H.<P>I do NOT think she is still intersted in my H-but I do wonder if she has the attitude of a "scorned woman".<P>NO I will not cantact her. I think it is betetr this way. I do NOT like the rules her H wanted "us" to play by. She says he has every right to hurt-which is true-but as adults I think it is childish to cause more grief when she and I could have made things work I think. Afgter all-he can look at her, he can sleep with her, he can do things with her-and she did the same to him that my H did. JMHO<P>My husband did not like me talking with her at all. First of all he felt that I was being set up to get hurt again. Secondly-he too hated seeing her name on things. But he really doesn't use the computer so that wasn't too big a problem. But overall he just wnated me to be able to be happy!!!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."