D-day was 8 weeks ago when he moved out after I found out. About 3 weeks ago H started coming around more regularly. We have been 'intimate" a few times.This is happening when OW is at work. He says he can't choose between us right now. Give him time. I'm afraid that this could be ongoing for a long time unless I think of a way to bring him back home, or at least moving closer to that goal. An ultimatum wouldn't work as I still need to Plan A to make him feel that he would want to live at home again.What I'm looking for are suggestions that might work to get him spending more and more time with me and then,if necessary, I'll give him the ultimatum. I want him to start spending time with me when she's NOT at work too.-That is my next goal. I hope this makes sense.

Maezy, My H started seeing me again about 8 weeks after moving in with the OW. We were intimate also until he told me that he could no longer "cheat" on OW since he was living with her and committed to her at the time. At that point, I went to Plan B. That only lasted a few weeks because he hated it and told me he was moving back home. It still took another few weeks of going back and forth between us before he moved back home. The OW is still trying hard to contact him and has been successful, because of his ambivalence, a number of times. <P>I'd say the fact that he still is spending time with you is a good sign that the A won't last. I'd stick with Plan A as long as you can.

Letstry<BR>Thankyou for your responce. You recommend sticking to plan A.Is that because you think the affair will run it's course and I would avoid the going back and forth that you did?Thanks for any info or suggestions you can give me.

Dear Maezy,<P>So much happens with our emotions during this time. It is hard to know what to do to make things work. One of the pieces of advice given to me at my 8 week mark was to let things be. Watch and wait. I could not sit still and watch, I wanted to fix everything and make things alright again. How dare H & OW not cooperate!!! How dumb I was. <P>As a result, I plan A'd too long. H & OW took turns using me as a doormat, to place their blame of their off and on relationship on me and leave me to carry the emotional and financial burden of their A. <P>One day (after much talk on this board), I woke up and decided not to be a doormat any longer. I said, I respect myself and I am too good to be treated this way. H had already moved out (he moved out 1 month after d/d). However, H waffled real bad. Since he moved out 3 1/2 months ago, he as tried to come back 4 times. Each time I thought it was for real, even though people here and friends could see otherwise. <P>Didn't H say he loved me. WOW, yes but did he mean it? He was telling OW that he loved her too? Ok, what did love mean to H? Ah... that's when it started dawning on this thick skull of mine. We were speaking different languages. When H said he loved me or OW he meant he was getting a feeling. Not the kind of love I meant. I was into love with action, showing you love someone by what you not only say but do. Putting the interests of others ahead of you, like a parent or loving spouse. I was a giver by trade, H was a taker by habit. <P>I finally got it. We weren't communicating so I was being taken for whatever H & OW could get. And they were getting a lot out of me. Ok, now to plan B. Thought I implemented it at 8 weeks, nope too soft. I implemented it at 10 weeks, by the 12th week, H was again talking about coming home but this time, I was not jumping up and down. Now I wanted to see action to back up his claim to want to be with his family. I am in the 13th week and waiting for those actions. I will not be too disappointed if I don't see it. Been there done that. However, now I am not the doormat. <P>So do what you think you should and make sure you keep an objective eye on your actions. Respect yourself. Protect yourself. Those in the fog don't often view you in the correct manner. In the fog the H could mistake the OW for you and visa versa. Make sure he doesn't. <P>L.

Maezy, The key is to only stay in Plan A as long as you can. I went to Plan B much sooner than most here, I think, and it worked for me. I agree with Orchid about the desire to control things that you can't control. Your decision whether to go to Plan A or B has to be for yourself, not to manipulate your H. It may work, but it may not, so you have to be doing what feels right for you. It was easier for me not to see or hear from my H at all than to be continuously getting my hopes up and then having them dashed over and over again.

Thanks again. You both raise good points. H came over today with two small scratches by his eye. I asked him where he got them and he said "I have no idea" Maybe I'm hoping for too much by thinking they are fighting!H was also much more distant today than usual. Maybe he's trying to keep her happy. My daughter is going to have a baby any day now so I don't want to Plan B until after that. We'll see what affect that has on him.Thanks again!