My story started more than 8 weeks ago but that is when it manifested. I work out of town during the week and am home on weekends for a bout 1/3 of the year. In mid January my wife heard a blow by blow report of a major accident ...went to work and found out she worked with the person who died, had a job related blow out/argument with verbal abuse, and lost a close friend at 41 who dropped dead in a hotel bathroom in another state all within 7 days. She also had a flirtatious relationship with a co-worker that ended in that same period. I came home one weekend and she said that the accident had affected her and was going to get a refferal for depression counseling. I came home the next weekend and she said that she was seeking a prescription for anti-depressants. I came home the third weekend and found out I was the reason she was unhappy and she wanted a divorce. She also said anti-depressants were out of the question because I would use it against her in the custody battle for our kids. In the last eight weeks she has lost so much weight that she had to buy new undergarments becasue they do not fit any longer. She has said she needs space and finally moved out this past weekend into a new place with our kids she has rented. She has been in counseling for about 6 weeks now. In hindsight ... in the last two years she has been to the Dr. 4 times (family Doc twice, ON/GYN and a chem specialist who looked at thyroid issues) she came with complaints of fatigue, sleeping 12 hours a day, no sex drive and general feeling that cloud was hanging over her...none of them suggested depression. Am I finding a reason here to justify why my wife would spring the divorce issue on me with no request for counseling or indicating a problem? Or is she really ill/depressed and I should be supportive and hang through the anger until she works through it? She is also dealing with anger on issues that occured over 15 years ago before she met me. She told me about two weeks ago that she felt she just snapped....she has been vehement about not having anything left in her to work on our relationship.... Help? She is willing to do joint counseling but only as pre-divorce counseling and then she says deep down she still loves me but doesn't ahve anything left to work on us? She does have an Attorney but has not served me yet with papers yet. We do have three kids together and have been married for 15 years. I do not kno wthe real status of the friend?<BR>advice? <BR>

What a terrible situation for you both.<BR>There are some aspects that point to an affair. The WSs have a way of re-writing the history of the M. But if she is depressed, that could be IT,too.<BR>She would have alot of time on her hands also,to think and blame, if you are not there. Maybe some honest talk...My H said he was hopeless for our M,during his A,of which I was unaware. Now that clarity has set in,he knows it was bs.<P>Go to the counseling,it may help you ans she to see that there is always hope if there is love.

I would guess it is depression and infidelity. There is a lot of evidence that the majority of cases of infidelity are the result of an attempt to self-treat depression (not necessarily consciously).

I would agree that she was/is depressed. It sounds to me that she needs lots and lots of PlanAing from you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Wounded2673:<BR><B>What a terrible situation for you both.<BR>There are some aspects that point to an affair. The WSs have a way of re-writing the history of the M. But if she is depressed, that could be IT,too.<BR>She would have alot of time on her hands also,to think and blame, if you are not there. Maybe some honest talk...My H said he was hopeless for our M,during his A,of which I was unaware. Now that clarity has set in,he knows it was bs.<P>>>>>>>>>I am nervous about the counseling ...I have been told that until she is on anti-depressants for a while or is willing to try reconcilling that she may just be letting her anger look for someone else to pronounce our marriage dead so she doesn't have to.<BR>I do and have loved her more these past four years more than I ever have during our marriage. I tel lher that I want her to look at me when we are old and eighty and think this man here has been everything I could have wanted in a husband...her response is that she would like to be eighty and alone with maybe a cat!<P>Go to the counseling,it may help you ans she to see that there is always hope if there is love.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><p>[This message has been edited by testm2 (edited April 12, 2001).]

As Nellie says, an affair or divorce may be an attempt at self-medicating depression...she knows she feels terrible...and would try anything to feel better.<P>It is good she is in counseling. Too bad about the anti-deps, can you reassure her that you won't use that in a custody battle? I'm not sure that a judge would look anymore favorably on untreated depression, especially if it leads to erratic behavior--you can document that as well if you so choose.<P>My H fought taking anti-deps for a year and a half, during which he also had an affair...the anti-deps made a world of difference once he went on them. His decision making was much better, and we were able to effectively reconcile--the 7th try--last May.<P>Depression coupled with an affair is a very tough situation. Dr. Harley says that the depression must be dealt with first...and there isn't much a spouse can do other than Plan A, or B.