This is my first letter, I am new to MB and I am trying to learn things to fix my marriage. I want to write this letter to my husband but if you can offer any suggestions, critisizing or otherwise it would be appreciated. I am open to anything.<P>To my HUBBY:<P>We met unlike most. Although, its becoming more and more common these days. Thinking back to the beginning we both see what we did wrong. Lack of communication. I've been told that many women feel as I do or did. This isn't an excuse for anything. The feeling of being ignored by your spouse, like you are not important enough to them. Sometimes, you made me feel stupid. I know I didn't explain things well simply because I was tired of arguing. Sometimes, we both don't listen as we should to one another. In moving, I thought that that would change the way I was feeling. But it didn't. I know the things I did wrong. You worked your butt off and I didn't do the things that a wife should do. You thought that by working all the time that you were providing what we needed as a family. Now learning that thats not what was needed. Feeling confused and angry and hurt I thought that you didn't care about your family. I started to seperate myself from you. Started feeling like our marriage was over. Half the time I did feel like it was ending and the other half thinking that we could fix it. Regardless of the terms of our "seperation" those don't matter. What matters is that I chose to seek affection from someone other than you. Thinking that that is what I was wanting. Learning that that wasn't the case. You are hurt and I did it. I know that my "I'm sorry" doesn't mean much to you. You have little trust in me. You say that you don't know if its worth trying. That you don't want to let your guard down. That you are basing your actions upon mine. That I have to prove to you that I am worth your time. I'm trying to fix this. I want to go to counseling but that is hard to do when we are 2000 miles apart. When I say none of what happened in the past matters anymore. What I mean is all the little things. All the things that I thought were so important turned out to be trivial BS. What matters is that you love me or once loved me. We have a beautiful, smart, healthy 15 mos old son together. I have hit a brick wall. I don't know what else to do. The problems that each of us have I want to work thru those together. I Love you hubby. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I am truly sorry that I have caused you so much pain. I know that it may take forever for you to forgive me for what happened or you may never be able to forgive me. That is something that I have to live with. I did this myself.<P>If anyone has any suggestions of what we could do or I could do please help me.<P>Thank you,<P>------------------<BR>*SB*

SB,<P>It is a very heart felt letter. I think that it may help him, but I have several questions for you. The first can you fill us in on the current circumstances (you say you are 2000 mi apart) what/who else is involved in this situation.<P>Second, if you are seeking to reconcile with your H, perhaps you can suggest some of the things you would like to do to bring about this event (go home, etc). If you do love him I suggest that you may be able to discuss your change of mind, and above all be honest.<P>I would like to suggest that you read the information on this board, particularly about Plan A. Also if you can get the book Surviving an Affair by Harley. The general information can be found by going back to the beginning and looking under articles, but perhaps the best way is to go to the Just Found Section and reading NSR's General Greeting. Within that greeting is bookmarked many of the articles in this site. Also there is notable posts. You might read some of them. It will give you some perspective on this thing.<P>It is difficult to reconcile with someone when you are 2000 mi apart, so if you can I recommend returning to your H. Also I would recommend that you read some of the posts by SKM. Particularly her post about her one year anniversary and the evolution of her thoughts and feels as she and her H recovered from her affair.<P>Many other people will post to you. Your marriage can be saved if you and your H are honest with each other and there is love there. I suspect there is.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I am in Texas, I inherited a house after my grandmother had passed away. He is still in Northern California. I have talked about going back there. He says he doesn't want to live with me. The whole thing is the place doesn't have any real jobs. You either work at the mill or one of the two prisons there. Its too expensive to live on your own making 6 bucks an hour. Most the high school kids take the other jobs anyway. He says that he will go to counseling with me and that he thinks things will work out but he wants to do what he wants to. The only people involved are him and I. I don't see the other person. We had agreed to be seperated and see other people as long as we discussed it. Well when I told him that I found someone that I enjoyed spending time with he got mad. I didn't break it off right then though. Thats what he is angry and hurt about. That I continued to see that person knowing that he was angry. So I think he feels like if he goes out and finds someone to be with, not emotionally just physically that it will make him feel better. He says that its not for revenge but I have a hard time believing that it wouldn't be. There are also alot of issues that come along with this. He has a serious anger issue which he is gonna go to counseling about. We are so different that at times I think that it will never work simply because we were raised in two totally different cultures or places. I am from the south and he is from California. We see people differently, we see everything differently. He was raised totally different than I was also. His parents are in a different generation themselves. They are 10 years older than my parents. So we have many conflicts. I DO NOT like California in the least, but if thats what it is going to take to try and fix my marriage then so be it. I have a question though. If I am not happy living there, and living there before severly depressed me do I have to sacrifice my feelings in order to make this work. I know that may sound selfish I am not meaning it that way. He says he never wants to go to Texas because that is where the A happened. The way I feel about it is I lived in California for 2 years and I don't like it there. He has never really lived anywhere else but "C" except when he was in the military. So is it ok for him to say that he hates Texas and all texans because of all of this even when he has never lived there. Basically don't knock it until you try it. We are both very stubborn. I am willing to go to "C" to fix things but I don't want to live there for the rest of my life. I have tried living there and I don't like it. Its just not me I guess. What should I do?<P>------------------<BR>*SB*

This reply is not only a response to my WIFE’S post, but it is also a solution to a problem. Our communication skills lacked in some areas, and given recent events and circumstances as described in her post, our communication skills have become worse. So, writing has become the most effective way for us to communicate with each other, thus a solution. Hopefully, someone will read this and be kind enough to help us find some direction.<P>To my WIFE:<P>In the beginning of our marriage, I felt we had a strong bond together. We shared the responsibilities of marriage that normal couples do. I would work while you maintained the house, and we would spend time together when I wasn’t working. While you were pregnant with our son, we still had a great relationship/ marriage. We cared for each other as best we could and understood that there would be some difficult times due to the chemistry change in your body from pregnancy. However, after the birth of our son, I noticed that our bond was diminishing and the marriage was becoming sour. And, every time I discussed this with you, you weren’t apt to listen to what I was saying, or what my suggestions were. Instead you just took everything as being normal and expected me to just deal with it all, which is what I did.<BR> As time went on, you became very short tempered with friends, family, and myself. You didn’t do anything around the house when I was at work…Instead you chose to spend your time driving around and shopping for things we didn’t need, and don’t even use to this date. Whenever I questioned you on what was going on, you always became hostile towards me and used the excuse, “I have to take care of our son while you work.” If that was the case, then why were you always out shopping and driving around. It was at this point that I began to feel that you didn’t care about the marriage or me. I began to see you as a leech…expecting me to work, so you could basically go out and buy material things to make you happy. I tried to tell you something was wrong and that we should go see a doctor for some insight, but you didn’t seem to care. After a few months of dealing with what was going on, I started to retaliate against you…I would tell you my feelings and observations without regards to how hurtful they may be. It wasn’t until I said, “People I work with have wives that understand that there husbands work 40 or more hours a week to provide for the family, so they at least clean the house or do the dishes because it’s the least they can do while their husbands are at work. But, not my wife…my wife just sits around the house, eats sweets and gets fat,” that you decided to seek medical help. Even then, we had a big argument before you decided to seek medical help. <BR> While you were on the anti-depressant to counter act the effects of the birth control shot (depot shot), things were calm and smooth. You weren’t short fused anymore and you were more active around the house. But after you quit taking the medication, the problems came back. It got to the point where we couldn’t sleep in the same room because I felt you were pushing me away and I couldn’t deal with your hostility anymore. Because the doctor had stated that you were suffering from separation anxiety, I felt that moving closer to your family would help. We agreed that I would stay in California and work for 6 months, while you stayed in Texas and sought work as well. During this time, I worked about 80 hours a week to cover both households while you were doing what needed to be done out in Texas. However, things didn’t go as we had hoped.<BR> I was completely shocked that you chose to have an affair. I couldn’t believe it. I felt used, hurt, angry, and hateful. My thoughts were that while I was working to provide for the family, you never sought employment and handled the things that needed to be done…instead, you sought a relationship and sex. Even now, I still feel the same way. I felt and still feel that I shouldn’t have to provide for you anymore, you’re either on your own or someone else’s responsibility now. If you felt independent enough to have an affair and then say things to make me feel like your actions were my fault, then you’re also independent enough to be on your own. I feel like you use our son as a resource to receive financial assistance from me. I have no problem with providing for my son…I love him and would do anything for him, however I feel that I shouldn’t have to provide for you.<BR> My decision was to financially cut you off. The result thus far has been financial despair on your part, and now I feel that you want to fix the marriage only because you’re broke and things aren’t going the way you had planned. Even though I made an effort to understand why you had an affair, and tried to discuss and fix the marriage with you as best I could with all the ill feelings, you just blew me off and couldn’t guarantee that you wouldn’t sleep around again. Even while I was in recently in Texas with you, you still went over that other guy’s house to explain to him what was going on in an effort not to hurt his feelings, yet you had no regard for mine. And, when we did have sex while I was in Texas, I did it mainly because I knew he would find out. <BR> As it stands now, I have little respect and trust for you. I’m still angry and hateful towards you for what you did. Even though I try not to think about it, the ill feelings seem to surface on their own and overcome me. Even though I still love you, it’s not the same anymore. I don’t know if it will ever be the same. You weren’t truthful towards me before, so I feel deceived. This is the main basis for why I am cautious as to fixing our marriage. I can only promise you that I will seek help through counseling, but I can’t promise you anything beyond that. As of the date of this writing, I have been monogamous, but I may seek those parts of a relationship that I do not have right now elsewhere. This is not to say that I will seek a committed relationship…I have no intention on seeking another commitment. I just feel that you are dirty because you had an affair. I also feel that you need to get your life in order. I don’t want to get caught up in your disparities anymore than I already have. Your problems are your responsibility, and even though you tell me they’re not my problem and not to worry about them, I know from past experience and current events with you that I will get caught up in them in some way or fashion unless you rectify them first. <BR> Whether or not we are able to fix the marriage is unknown to me at this point. I tried to fix it, but you didn’t seem to care, so I stopped trying. In my eyes, it’s your turn now. If you feel that you can prove to me how sorry you are and that this whole mess will not happen again then have at it. When I tried to fix it, you shot me down and made me feel worthless. I haven’t shot you down in your efforts towards fixing the marriage. I’ve only told you what you needed to in order for me to have some kind of renewed respect and trust in you. I’m just dealing with everything day by day. I have no intentions on ever moving to Texas, since that is where the affair took place, and there will most certainly be conflict there.<BR> I know that I need to work on some personal issues I have, as well as communication skills with you. I am seeking counseling for that. I think we pushed each other away, but the affair has also created a wall that is hard to break through. It’s going to have to be removed brick by brick.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>