I am the BS and it seems like I am the one working hard to get my W back and she is doing nothing.<P>Shouldn't she be feeling some remorse. Shouldn't she be asking to be forgiven and wanting to return home. She's not.<P>It's been a couple of weeks since d-day, but still I see no help from her. She has no contact. She says she loves me. But it seems like we are getting nowhere.<P>I am trying plan A but sometimes I slip out of it.<P>Does everyone have these same problems?

My W has almost no will to try and make it better and she was the one that had the EA. She blames everything on me, saying "you loved me so much you took my soul away." <P>In our relationship she is definitely a taker and I am definitely a giver. I honestly don't know where we stand right now. She goes to counseling but is quick to tell me she doesn't think it will work out between us. She says she has changed as an individual and is not sure if she wants me in her life right now. Part of me says it is OM's influence. <P>I would say if your W tells you she still loves you that's a good sign. Are you sure there in no more contact? That has been the hardest thing for us. Also, I know what you mean by slipping out of Plan A from time-to-time. I have done the same thing. And it always seems to make us lose ground.<P>Good luck <BR>My prayers go out to you<BR>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited April 11, 2001).]

elad,<BR>My H was remorseful from d-day, but he wanted out for awhile...so, there really wasn't a fog that I had to deal with.<BR>It has been only a couple of weeks....She may still be in a great state of confusion..of what is real, what she has done...they have to come to some kind of acceptance and level of responsibility of what they did was wrong, etc. Perhaps, all of this has not quite hit her yet. and the way people on this site talk about the "fog" and withdrawl of the other person...she may still only be thinking of herself (still the selfish mode) and her loss of the op.<BR>You might need a little time on the asking for forgiveness and remorse from her. <BR>I think that if someone doesn't ever feel remorseful and ask forgiveness that there is a horrible personality flaw...but I think you will see this eventually...<P>It is a very hard road to work on the marriage and sometimes either one of you can be in a state of wanting to just get out and give up...so many emotions and thoughts realing around...Sometimes one person has to be stronger than the other...and it looks like you are the one who has to be the strongest here.<BR>It is hard!<P>Oh, I, also, felt like I was doing so much more than my H, but at the same time my h thought he was doing all the work. Go figure ( I still don't know what he was doing, but he must have been doing something,, I must not have seen it.)<P>I want to add that it has to be difficult for anyone to admit their faults. I know that my H had to deal with how horrible of a person he was and he was so devastated and disgusted with himself for being a person he hated and thought he would never be. So, that has to be hard to come to terms with. maybe, some people can't admit to themselves how horrible and selfish they are or were. (That may be too much for some people, I don't know...it would be easier to blame others instead of taking responsibility for our own decisions. Nobody makes anyone do anything...and to displace the "fault" is complete DENIAL of reality.)<BR><p>[This message has been edited by crete (edited April 11, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B>She blames everything on me, saying "you loved me so much you took my soul away."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unbelievable. Sorry to tell you this, as I've been through much more than an EA with my wife, but you've got to figure out a way to ignore this Bulls**t. As your wife, she probably knows 500 ways to put a dagger in your chest. And she'll use them whenever it keeps her from facing herself because looking at you hurt still hurts less than looking at herself. Been there, suffered that.<P>You should write these down, btw. She won't believe she said this stuff a year from now. Hunt down in the archives the messages, "things ws say" (or something like that). You'll probably read a bunch of things you've heard lately.<P>Good luck!<BR>Bama

Hi,<BR>I am in the same boat I am making all the improvements and my H is doing nothing except going to see our priest and what I do do I get trashed for saying why am I doing it now.<BR>I feel the same way they are betraying us and we are making all the efforts. Let's hang in I guess as time goes on more issues will come up to maybe give us some insight. I hope so I will keep you in my prayers.

Wow ... it's not fair, is it?<P>No, it's not. But it IS normal, and it happens in MOST infidelity situations where the couple stays together. The difference here is, YOU have the tools and the resources to get through it! You have the forums, you have all of the information here on the Marriage Builders website...<P>Only you can decide if you want your marriage enough to fight for it. If you do, then you will undoubtedly be doing the work at first - let's face it, the only person you can change is YOU... however, the changes in you will cause changes in everyone around you, including your spouse.<P>It's hard work, but it is satisfying and rewarding work... after a while.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

What Terri says.....she's absolutely right. Most all of us in recovery have had to do all the work for a LOOONNNNGGGG while. It's ok...and normal.<P>Lori

Terri and Lori are both telling you the truth. I watched both of these women plan A their hearts out for a long time when their WS's were gone. <P>For Lori it worked well, for Terri sadly it hasn't. But try to remember plan A is not for them, it is for you. The same for plan b . Plan A helps you find and try to repair the problems in the marriage that you can, and it helps you should the marriage not survive to know you have done everything humanly, even super humanly possible to save the marriage. <P>When your love starts to die it is time for plan b, again for you and to try to save the love you have. Sometimes it helps the other spouse wake up, if they don't then again you will know you did everything you could do. <P>Am I a big fan of being a doormat ? Nope, but I am a fan of trying to save the marriage and if that doesn't happen I am a bigger fan of people being able to know without a doubt they did all they could. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>