My H had affairs with a couple of women in 99.<BR>When Ifound out, he was remorseful, emotional,<BR>introspective about himself, took responsibility<BR>(altho he did insinuate a couple times that he<BR>was angry with me) and has tried to make positive<BR>changes to be a better father and husband. He does<BR>not have the job that took him out of state where<BR>these women were. I have asked him about what happened<BR>over the last 1 1/2 yrs. I have gotten watered down<BR>versions, some truth I'm sure, a lot about what he must<BR>have been feeling, but, in my heart I know I have not<BR>gotten the truth. He of course said it never involved<BR>sex, only conversation, not even touching or affection,<BR>altho he did admit one of the women fondled him momentarily<BR>I was in touch with the woman by computer. I pretended I<BR>was him and I got the definite impression, the relationship<BR>wasn't at all what he described. He just said she was a<BR>nut case so she couldn't be believed. The other woman who<BR>he was involved with longer was of no attraction whatsoever,<BR>"she was just someone to talk to" (every day of the week, even out of town and while at home?) Every piece of information I have in the way of hotel receipts, phone records etc. has been played down. I was told the second woman had friends of his staying there and he called them<BR>mostly. I might believe some stange coincidences but, there are just too many and when I touch on those, I get<BR>"I can't remember" or "it's really just a blur to me now, I<BR>really don't know the details". On occasion, I have been met with hostility, "I thought you said you were over this<BR>and we were going to move forward, can't you see this kills<BR>me to go back there?" I know in my heart and intuition that<BR>he is not being honest. I believe he thinks it not only protects him from the possibility of my leaving, I think he<BR>knows it would lead to revealing other times over the years<BR>this has occurred that I suspected. His job basically condoned this type of behavior. It makes me feel there is<BR>an arrogance on his part that he feels he still has a right<BR>to control this situation. When I have told him how I feel,<BR>I get nowhere because he insists vehemently that it is all<BR>in my imagination and there is nothing to tell. He also<BR>said on occasion that he was willing to tell me it did happen and give me a bunch of "phony" details because he<BR>thought maybe it was what I wanted to hear and if I just heard it, I could finally move on. He has in so many words<BR>said I was right then took it back, saying I just misunderstood what he meant. <P>I know he has made very positive changes. He has sincerely<BR>tried to make this up to me somehow. As long as I go with<BR>it, he is the perfect husband. I just can't let go of this<BR>feeling that he needs to be honest with me. I know it will<BR>hurt excrutatingly. What little he has told me about feeling sorry for these women and their situations makes me<BR>want to throw up, in light of the fact that I was going thru the worst possible year of my life and he had no sympathy for me. He even admitted he didn't want to call home because he just couldn't hear about one more problem.<P>My family believes I need to let go. They think I should look at the way he is acting now and not keep looking back<BR>at what I can't change. That I should live the rest of my<BR>life not wallowing in the past. I am afraid this is not<BR>just a regrettable event. What if I am right about the previous affairs? How do I know that just his being introspective and understanding himself, childhood etc. better has really made the difference? We have tried counseling, but he always finds something wrong with it.<BR>In some cases, the counselor was just ineffective. In others he got angry that we were still discussing this issue<BR>and the counselor basically told me "if he's not going to<BR>tell you, then you have to decide if you can live with that."<BR>In some moments, he is vulnerable and so genuine in his remorse, I feel as tho I can just move on. But then I feel<BR>this sense that we are continuing to live a lie and you can't<BR>build a new marriage on a foundation of a huge lie. I have<BR>tried to look at the Christian perspective and wonder what<BR>I am meant to do. What is God's plan in this situation?<BR>I just don't know. But I do know that it is just not getting better. This roller coaster of resentment and love<BR>is driving me crazy. I know the response will be he has got<BR>to tell you but with his insisting there is nothing to tell<BR>all this time, I don't know how that will happen. Any input?

I'm in the same position you are, only my H doesn't admit to anything other than the 15-yr-old 1-night stand. He doesn't want to talk about anything either. Has plainly told me that he is "not going to be punished," and he considers talking about it to be punishment.<P>I KNOW that something was going on between him and CW 3 years ago, although I do believe that whatever it was (except for the secrets) ended long ago. As long as he keeps so many secrets, we'll never be able to have a wonderful marriage. I'll always feel that he cares more about her than about me, even if he did choose our marriage.<P>Wish I had some answers, but I'm still hunting for some answers myself.<P>LC

Well my wife is the same. She wanted me to forget about it in three days. She has told me a partial story and feels the real truth will give me too much oif a negative image about her. So she refuses to talk no matter what the threat. She wants to be married forever. There is no contact with the other man. But she would rather give me up than talk. I find it a bit strange. So I don't have much choice but to suffer silently. I don't know for how long?????