Why are affairs so special? Why is it different from a boyfriend girlfriend relationship? I am sure that everyone has had special relationships.

Well, it is hidden....Usually, it is kept secret from most of society...so, it is more of a fantasy world...where just the two of them are in it and everything is perfect...perfect people, perfect love....No worries of your everyday life.<BR>In my hs EA--you would think they were completely obsessed with each other by phone records, how often they saw each other, communicating on the e-mails, and hotline private chat....IT was sooo crazy...didn't anything else exist?<BR>I don't know how they did anything else..<BR>Boyfriend and girlfriend stages are not even that obsessive (unless your dating a stalker)--which I am not sure the ow was not!!<BR>That is just one thought I am throwing out here...

An affair is different from a special relationship. An affair happens when you step outside of a relationship (marriage) which already exists. In other words, you break a promise. After you have done this, you hide the affair, and begin to lie. If you are discovered, you deny the affair and imply that your spouse, who has done nothing wrong, is paranoid, or crazy. Sometimes, you create a child through an affair. Sometimes you bring a disease home to your spouse. At this point, the words "special relationship" do not come to mind.<BR>Robyn

Yes, the secretiveness is one big difference, but I will take it deeper.<P>Because a marriage is made up of day to day occurances -- like laundry, children, financial woes -- the affair feels like a "way out" of the problems. Like a drug, the euphoria gives you a "high" that compares to no other. The words "you make me feel ALIVE" are uttered VERY OFTEN. <P>In marriage, you don't feel ALIVE like that... if you're lucky, you settle into a comforable love. But sometimes, especially in long-term marriages (like mine was - 20 yrs.) you forget that being comfortably in love is true and real and binding. You think that you need EXCITEMENT all the time, LOVING all the time, SEX all the time. In reality, not even in affair relationships is all that available... but what you do get is "worth" the fear, the pain you cause, the end of your marriage, because you get to a point where you think you DESERVE to have whatever the affair is giving you.<P>And if the OP is meeting needs that your spouse is not -- THEN WATCH OUT -- doom is near!! It's pretty hard to fix a marriage is BOTH partners don't try to meet each others needs -- but it CAN be done. I've seen it around here.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Dr. Harley says that an A is any relationship with a person outside the marriage that you confide in, tell marital secrets to, complain about your spouse(when you should be telling them) and hiding the existance of this interaction from the spouse. It becaomes a support system to the person which replaces that place in the home with their spouse. The relationship at home will continue to decay until a PA is inevitable. <P>When you let your guard down to a stranger, then you are setting yourself up for an A. Even if you are not aware of it. When you start to depend on the op intead of your spouse, it is a danger sign. <P>The nature of the A when it begins, is heart pumping and ego stroking. The thrill of sin is quite a lure when your heart is jumping out of your chest, a thing which has not happend in a long time for most of us. You start with the excuses to yourself and then as the thrill continues so does the A---until it smacks up into the reality of your marriage!<P>Even beyond that, for some of us BS's.

from what burned spouse says, <BR>an A is any relationship with a person outside the marriage that you confide in, tell marital secrets to, complain about your spouse(when you should be telling them) and hiding the existance of this interaction from the spouse.--MY H has had multiple As then!!!<BR>I kept telling him over the last month that I was thinking that he had multiple ea with women...He doesn't think so. <BR>But he was having women e-mail and phone his work...and I found some saying things about me...etc.<BR>I felt that it was always beyond appropriate...but that definition says they were As...This one was just the worse and began to get physical...just not sex...<BR>Does this make it different some how for me?<BR>Dealing with multiples instead of just one?<BR>He won't admit those other ones were EAs!!!<BR>I believe they were- the definition says they were...I feel like I am entering a new ball game, am I?<BR>He is starting individual counseling in a month...I said he had to --and he does want to...because I think he is mixed up here....(I think he learned his relationship pattern from his mother--I dated him and married him thinking he would be like his father- noone knows, but all the siblings think maybe their mom did have an A...<BR>Do you think it would be okay for him to ask his dad this? I thought it would be an important thing to KNOW for sure--family history...)<BR>So, with that definition and the last "full blown" one makes 4..(that I figured out)<P>Any comments to this reply?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by crete (edited April 11, 2001).]

That is what my husband said "SHE MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE." In this past year, I have made him feel that he wants to be dead. He must got the left over of shock from when she did her hair. Just kidding. I am bad.

Crete-<P>i does not make a difference if it is one A or a hundered. Lies are lies, and sneaking around with an unknown person is still sneaking around. <P>It is not unusual. I think it is the prerequisite to allowing themselves a PA in the future. It takes a lot to live with yourself once you start to cheat on your spouse. I think so, though I am a BS. YOu have to work up to the ones with feeling, one nighters may be different. Unless there is a lot of them.<P>As far as family of origin behavior patterns, that is unknown. I am the one from the broken home due to divorce, and my H's parents were married, until death of one, for 35 years. I hung on to my vows even though I was desperately unhappy with how our marriage was going. he stopped talking and being loving until he took a job promotion that left me out of the decision to travel extensively. We drifted even further then, and I could not retrieve him! He gave up and succumbed to an A, which has now been going on long distance for two years, and I have known about for 8 mos. <P>I had him move out 2 months ago, but still things have not changed--actually even less communicating! It can be trying!

Affairs are about the WS getting only one or two needs being met by the OP while the BS is meeting the rest.<P>Affairs are about having your cake and eating it, too.<P>Affairs are about taking more than you are giving.<P>Affairs are about "me, me, me"! <P>Affairs are pretend. The WS and OP don't show their whole selves to eachother, just what they want the other to see and believe. They show their "yucky" sides to their BS at home.<P>Affairs never get "tested" by the mundane problems that real relationships do. There are only "melodramatic" problems in an affair relationship. How romantic.<P>But the good news is, the "passion" of affairs rarely lasts. They're pretty much doomed from the start. The affairs that I know of that have turned into 2nd marriages are riddled with affairs within THAT marriage--and/or major discontent. Payback's a b****! <P>

Affairs are based on lies and deceit...and come at the expense of someone else's feelings.<P>-HD

Good one, HD!

Yeah, HD writes one line that explains better than my three paragraphs...talk about blathering on and on!! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Special relationship vs Affair?<P>Special relationships have the opportunity to turn into a good thing. Affairs do not. <P>Special relationships have the ability to grow and create a happy family. Affairs do not. <P>Affairs have the ability to break happy families. Special relationships do not.<P>About the only thing in common with a special relationship is that they are between 2 people. The rest is different as night and day. <P>A's are created when vows are broken in one's heart. The act of adultery begins in the mind and heart. The rest EA/PA events are the result of where one's mind and heart has deteriorated. Both WS and OPs of this world will sacrifice all that is good in their lives for momments of immoral acts. In the name of love? No that is just a saying. True love does not break up families and create a web of lies and deceit. Infatuation, loss of clear thinking, living in the fog, justifying immoral & even crimmnal acts are what affairs are made of. <P>Trying to make an A look legitimate is like trying to legalize the mafia or mass murderers. Will it ever be acceptable to society? To a certain degree it already has been that is why there are so many occurances. <P>To those who value the sanctity of marriage, A's will always be a detestable thing. For those who believe the Bible, it is known as a sin against man (families) and God (creator of the family arrangement). Irregardless of what your personal beliefs, marriage is an accepted arrangement that when broken leads to great strife and hardship. <P>Those who try to legalize an A and act like they are married, only make fools of themselves. OW's like to pretend to be Mrs. _________. They sign into cheap motels and claim to be the wife. After a few times of that, they begin to start dictating to the WS as if he was their H. When they tire of that, then they go to browbeat the true wife and claim that she 24/7's the WS and ridicules the true wife of seducing her true husband. Oh, it goes on. Some try to take over playing mother to H's children, tries to weasel into relationships with relatives and friends. Tries to setup housekeeping with WS,etc. Om's have similar claims but usually not as blatant as the OWs. Must a female hormone thing. <P>Boy, you got me going on this one. But finally, Special relationships can be a beautiful thing. We probably were all in one at one time in our lives. A's on the other hand, I would not wish on my worst enemy. <P>L.

I am so impressed with what I read on this forum. I have about decided that I am spending too much money talking o my counselor. He does not give me what I get from others who have been there. He seems to have a very black and white attitude about everything.<P>I have learned through all of this that NOTHING is black and white. The areas of gray will literally drive you crazy. <P>My husband has been involved in many EA over the years of our marriage. He had always led me to believe that this was the "norm" they were just friends, nothing bad because "sex" was not a part of it. He could never understand nor I why it upset me so badly.<P>After finding out about his PA I learned (during the same week) of another woman with whom he was having an EA. She knew the details of his affair and the problems with our "sex" life before I. He saw nothing wrong with this because "sex" was not involved. He says I am changing his personality by not allowing him to have female friends. I say enough is enough, the PA was not a friend, he met her one night at a bar, told her he was separated and the rest is history. He planned it.<BR> Naturally he told me it just happened.<P>The difference between his A and our marriage? He says he could talk about "anything" with her, not the same old stuff we had conversations about, You know, life. The bills, laundry, kids etc. <P>It is true that those having an A are not showing their true personalities. But then again, A are begat with lies so it only makes sense the relationship is a lie.<P>The excitement and newness of a "new Body" is another issue. A long term relationship does not offer this euphoria. <P>A part of me wishes that my H and the OW had to live with each other for a while. They deserved each other.<P> <P>

Sheryl, Leilana,<P>Thanks. <P>I liked what you both said too!<P>-HD

They have the time to toldly listen to each other. That is what my husband said I talk about the same things. He is such aWhole. He told that I should feel sorry for her. She has a wonderful husband that support her. she dose not have worry about money. Yes I do feel sorry for her because she stupid. If she thinks my husband is going to support her she is stupid beyond belief.