My husband and I have been seeing our priest alone. Before my session last night my H told me a lot of things. He is not sure if he loves me anymore, his relationship with the other woman has not become sexual, he feels if he leaves he gives up his home and seeing his family every night, but if he does not go ahead with relationship with OW he might kick himself in the [censored] years down the road. He also told me do not confuse the sex he has with me with love I remained calm because I wanted him to keep talking, I asked him what things happened in our relationship to make him question his love for me he told me I did not do anything except we did not pay much attention to each other for a lot of years. I have been on plan A since I found this site but after he finished talking and telling me that now I am beig nice and he said it was out of guilt on my part I tol him no it was because I love him. After he finished I went to my appointment told the priest what happened and the priest told me he needs to make a decision and we should come to see him together next week and in the meantime be a friend to him even though I am angry because of the things he said to me. What do you guys think stick with plan A I am so confussed myself I feel like ever effort I am making is getting me nowhere. Please help

I think you should stick to PlanA.You are making progress if he is talking to you about things. The priest may pressure him one way or another, but if you stick to your Plan A you have hope. He is in the "fog", of course, so the things he is saying about his feelings are clouded. I say work hard to break through it!

PHK,<BR>I recognized myself in those very words your H said to you.<BR>I too thought I no longer loved my H and that I would regret it if I didn't give myself fully to the OM. But my H allowed me to just talk about everything. I know it had to be so painful to him to listen, but he did it. He even said he understood my need to find out. And all the time I was out there in the fog, my H would come by my work and leave love notes in my car. when I left work, I would have some uplifting note telling me how much he loved me or how sorry he was that we forgot how to communicate. We even started dating again and doing those things we did before we were married. But I still just had to see if things with the OM were what real love was about. My H never said a bad word to me about the OM or questioned my love for the OM. He just said he could see why the OM would love me.<BR>It took 5 months before I was able to write a no contact letter to the OM. that has only been 3 weeks ago. My H<BR>did everything he could to fill my LB up with thoughts of him and he succeeded. What were some of the things that your H enjoyed you doing for him when you were first married? or dating? <BR>My H and I are just starting the road to recovery, but I know that in the end we will be stronger than ever.<P>debbie

You are not ready for Plan B yet. Your H is in the fog over his feelings for the OP. This is natural, but it is a questioning of himself he is doing, not you. He says that it is not you. And it is not. <P>I applaud the fact that you both went to counselling before the PA started. A counselor reminded me once that love is not a noun, it is a verb. To love someone is to act, treat and show love. If you act like you are in love, your heart will follow. Both must do this.<P>Good luck

Thanks so much for all the help I am getting at this site. Can someone tell me where I can find information on the fog that dlm refers to in her reply to me. Thanks Debbie for your letter I cried while reading it. I will stick with plan A thanks so much everyone for your help, I just hope my H stops pushing me away because it does take two.

Honey, they say things that tear at your soul.<P>"I never truly knew what love was until I met her".<BR>"I have found my soulmate."<BR>"I love you, but not in love with you adn I have never loved you as I do her"<BR>"Our marriage, our life together was a mistake - I know now where I'm supposed to be"<BR>"And what if the changes I see keep me home? What's to say in 10 years I won't regret letting the love of my life get away? how can I risk that?"<P>and my personal favorite....<P>"I've found myself wishing that you would die in an accident while you were out and I'd be released from these pits of hell and could be with the one I love."<P>This was in the spring of 99. Now, after living with her for 7 months and being home over a year, my wonderful, back to himself husband cannot remember some of these things and cannot imagine why he ever would have said them! <P>We used to say their brains were temporarily inhabited by aliens and I'm not so sure we were that far off - sometimes it seems a lot more than a fog, you know?<P>Let him talk, as long as he's not being disrepectful to you you (you'll find out what I mean, trust me) and be there and be strong for him. This has to play it's course. Your priest may ask him to choose. Be prepared. In this frame of mind, you never know what may happen. Robert chose PT of his own free will - I hadn't told him to chose....yet. He did leave. Planned a new life. Opened new (joint) bank accounts, etc. Saw a lawyer about adopting her little one.<P>This is what Plan A is for. I only did it a few months b/f he left and the entire time he was gone (it saved MY life once I finally "got it".). <P>You can do this. You will grow and get stronger for it. You will become more of what YOU want to be, with or without this marriage. And, with the marriage, you will be prepared for the amazingly hard work of recovery.<P>Hang in there. It DOES get easier.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori