In reconciliation, where does being non-trusting versus having a sharing, caring responsible attitude begin & end?<P>To give some background, my wife admitted to & gave lots of details about an EA with two guys that lasted from July 20th of 2000 ‘til 1-17-01 (D-Day). These were two landscape guys she met while they were doing work around the house. The first time with the first one was the first visit after the initial estimate visit, just four days later. Seemed pretty causal to me, but it persisted. I sent her packing and then we agreed to reconcile 02-08-01. We agreed we both needed to make certain changes to restore our relationship – I guess plan A kinds of things – I need to be more handy work around the house for one thing. She goes to counseling every other week & is trying very hard to be more affectionate (I’ve always been the one expressing love – she says she just can’t say the words) & is doing the domestic things that she’s not done in years. I have always called her at work to say hello & chat for a moment – she has always resisted that. She sometimes acts like it’s a nuisance when I call. She of course wants me to act as if nothing has happened (which is understandable). I’m trying to increase our communication & intimacy factor & now when I call she many times wants to make it seem that I’m just calling to check up – when I causally ask about what time she’s coming home for example, she gets defensive & says something like: “I don’t like to be pinned down, but I know you need that (in sarcastic tone, like I’m a weak, insecure person -shes's used that term actually). As an example, she usually gets off around 4:00 PM. One night I was talking to her at 4:30 and telling her I would begin fixing dinner and she said she was about to leave. I get a call around 6:50 PM and she is on her way home and apologetic saying this other women & her got involved in a project & she lost track of time. I did not say anything. Is she being resposnible? <BR>Here’s my question: Do I go along with her suggestions and not call her or ask questions about her day and her activities (I really don’t think I’m being judgmental) – Am I being non-trusting or is she still walling me off & wanting independence. If she’s trying to earn my trust back, wouldn’t she want to be open about such innocent things?<BR>

Hi HH,<P>I don't think you are being judgemental. However, I would question if she is trying to win your trust back. From what you have stated, it sounds more like she is trying to either make you feel bad or guilty for I don't know what or is hiding her guilt by directing her anger to you. Throwing you off track from what is either really going on or how she is really feeling. <P>My story is that my H is the WS, he met his match on the internet. His attitude hardened towards everyone. I was the mental and emotional punching bag. He felt that as long as he never physically hit me all the other type of abuse was ok. OW made sure he kept in fit in that way. She fed him all the anger and abuse he needed to justify his actions. H has been in this A. since Aug 00. The month of our 10 year anniversary. He initially blamed me because I did not want a to do anything for our anniversary. That was not true but it made him feel better to think that. On and on that type of thinking went until I found out about A, he moved out, OW got divorcing or divorced, H & Ow went on a 3 day vacation, H went to stay with OW for a few days and that brings us to today. <P>Your wife's attitude does not sound like she is working with you but does sound like there is hope. Have you tried looking at the information on this site from the Harley's? They offer counseling sessions either in person or on the phone. We had one phone session but then H got to stubborn and did not want to go back. If H comes back I will ask to have more phone sessions. I recommend reading the info on this site (takes about 2 - 3 hours), fill out the questionnaires both you and your wife (if possible) and read some of the books, surviving an affair, his needs/her needs, etc. There are more. You can do all or some but most are beneficial. This information will help you understand what plan A & plan B are. Teach you how to work with your wife, learn and understand yourself. <P>I think you will not be able to do anything right in your wife's eyes at this time. Maybe giving her a bit of space may help for a while. At some point she may then accuse you of not caring enough. Sometimes PMS takes over our brains coupled with being in the fog and makes some women almost impossible to deal with. <P>H is still somewhat in the fog. It took me a long time to learn how best to deal with it. While many here were telling to back off and give him space, I being a giver type of person, kept wanting to 'fix it and move on'. This was not mine to fix. Moving on was too hard as long as it was broken. Then the rollercoaster ride started taking off and oh my, the ride was awful. Tried to climb off when the A was in full swing. Almost lost myself. I went from full blown anxiety attacks to wanting to throw in the towel. <P>I had a bad day earlier today and sent a post on the divorcing/divorce site questioning my sanity. I felt real bad and wanted to quit. Thanks to some great people here and friends at work, I have been able to end the day with my head back on my shoulders. <P>I hope you can find out where your wife is in this fog. There could still be an A going on. See if she is willing to work with you on some counseling. That would be a good indicator. You know, sometimes, our mates can take the same info from a total stranger and not from us. Isn't that crazy, when we are the ones that care about them so much?<P>Just my thoughts. <BR>L.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 12, 2001).]

Orchid:<BR>Thanks for your reply! It really helps to get some feedback! I've been reading the material, but am not totally conversant on the Haley's prinicples.<BR>I have read a few books on the topic, but my wife has not been real receptive to participating -- she says I'm trying to be her counselor, so your advice there is good. I've always been the giver so to speak -- her the more independent type -- she is beautiful & 48 so she has the mid-life crises & pre-menap things going -- I know her libido has increased dramatically over the last year, so she has the hormone thing racing -- we're usually (9/10 days)intimate @ night & mornings.<BR>Last night she said her counselor wanted to terminate her because she is telling him she feels a lot of pressure from me to do this & he said it has to come from her, for her reasons. She is concerned with the expenses & her counselor said that with her income alone, she could qualify for state aid & it would not cost anything. She said he said that she could make appointment & not even tell me & that I could call him & discuss it.<BR>I'm feeling paranoid and manipulated, like now if I ask about the counseling, I'm being Mr. control & still trying to punish her --??<BR>She says I'm the one that needs the counseling to let this go. I had a couple sessions while she was away.<BR>I'm still curious as to what were the root causes, so we can try & fix the relationship things or what ever, so as to prevent this re-occurring. She has general attitude that lets just get on with life & that she does not want to be the focal point. What am I to think?<BR>Thanks again for the time you took to respond, it was very helpful! I know God loves you & you are a very valuable person, so hang in there!<BR>HH<BR>

Dear HH,<P>Good to see your reply. I saw another post from you on the recovery site, so I will bid adieu on this one so you can continue to receive further guidance on that post. <P>It will be hard on you for a while. Knowing that will keep you from wanting to give up too quickly. Patience, perservance and prayer helped me. May those thoughts and other good advice benefit you. <P>Take Care and I watch out for you on the recovery site. <P>L.