How close can a friendship be between a married man and a married woman without one or the other falling in love? What about disclosing very personal problems with each other? Disclosing info about each others sex lives. Being a constant source of emotional support to each other. Sharing marital difficulties for the purpose of understanding ones own spouse? Embarking on a spiritual quest together? Spending large amt. of time on phone, many e-mails, large amt. of time together in person? I would like to know where people think the boundaries are and what is really a good safe friendship and when should the red lights start flashing? If a man develops a crush on his employee friend and he tells her and says he cannot go that route, and she says she already knew he had a crush,what should her next good judgement move be? (If she wants to do what is in his best interests as her employee and friend.) Remember, he is saying he is having this problem and he is saying he does not want it to go further. I need help. My husband thinks I am overreacting to an admitted crush he had and I am very angry at the womans behavior. I need other views from both men and women please.

I don't know what HER next good judgement should be but his should be to GET AWAY from her! <P>To me it really sounds like he's aware and should remove himself from having to be near her....it's WRONG!!!<P>Does that help?

Sounds like an EA to me. talk to the Harley's see what they say, could be the best $$ you spend. Read SAA, His Needs/Her Needs, Lovebusters, etc. Download the forms fill them out.<P>This situtation sounds like how my H's love A started, only he didn't tell me. He let me know how unhappy he was after the PA started, then 6 wks later he told me he wanted to leave (think he was trying to let me down gently)then I started snooping & found the OW, 2 months later we have d-day.<P> I am sorry to say 2 yrs from when he 1st told me he was unhappy we are still in this mess BUT if he had told me before the EA turned to a PA we would have had a better chance. IF he had come to me with his unmet needs we would not be in this mess. <P>TAKE ACTION to work on your marriage. <BR>Read, Read, Read. PLAN A, what do you have to lose, NOTHING.

WATCH OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

I know of an exact same case. Two people were very close friends like this. They were like this for five years. Neither person had the sligtest thought in ther mind about sex. Then one night in one of those normal talks the AFFAIR happened. No one had this on their mind. Nothing was planned. These people were only good friends. The spouses of these people aproved of the friendship. Then it happened. I would watch out. But without a break in the relationship, there is no way you can check your spouse every minute of every year. definitely can lead to bad results.

Ooooh..... How else does it start out? Even in those dating services they start out with at least a little talking and that's with a paid prostitute!!!<P>No, good friends don't have EA's with others mates. H called OW a friend, then a good friend. He made this statement the night I found her voicemail on H's cell phone. <P>Good friend? They had been e-mailing, talking on his cell phone, had meals and sex together for 3 months. How dare he call her a good friend. Not to me. But that is how it started out. Both claimed they had a bad marriage and needed someone to talk with. Oh yes, they confided in each other and justified their relationship so much everyone else around them were bad and they needed each other's protection. <P>See where this type of thinking goes? You are not crazy, he is in the fog and trying to drag you in. What good friend (female) would only talk to your husband and not you? I don't have friends like that, we never had friends like that. H met OW on the internet. She was never my friend, yet he called her his 'good friend', she called him her soul mate. Go figure!!!!<P>Read Suriving an Affair book. Work on His Needs/Her Needs questionnaire (copy available) on this site. Find out what need(s) OW is meeting instead of you. If you can schedule a session with the Harley's. See if you H will open up to someone and really let you know where his thinking is going. In the meantime, learn about plan A vs plan B and see where you need to be. This is important and will help you through this stressful time. <P>Regular posters here have been through almost every kind of stress and situation. These people have good suggestions for getting through the day, how to identify anxiety attacks and work with them, work with depression, deal with H and the fog, deal with OW, work with your children, how to be patient, how not to LB (this is hard for me), etc. <P>I have learned a lot here. Pray for a calm heart and clear mind. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by replaced:<BR><B>How close can a friendship be between a married man and a married woman without one or the other falling in love? What about disclosing very personal problems with each other? Disclosing info about each others sex lives. Being a constant source of emotional support to each other. Sharing marital difficulties for the purpose of understanding ones own spouse? Embarking on a spiritual quest together? Spending large amt. of time on phone, many e-mails, large amt. of time together in person? I would like to know where people think the boundaries are and what is really a good safe friendship and when should the red lights start flashing? If a man develops a crush on his employee friend and he tells her and says he cannot go that route, and she says she already knew he had a crush,what should her next good judgement move be? (If she wants to do what is in his best interests as her employee and friend.) Remember, he is saying he is having this problem and he is saying he does not want it to go further. I need help. My husband thinks I am overreacting to an admitted crush he had and I am very angry at the womans behavior. I need other views from both men and women please.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is EXACTLY how affairs begin... I have been betrayed when my ex-H had affairs with five different women -- THREE OF WHOM HE WORKED WITH at one time or another... and I have been a betrayer, when 19 years into our marriage I had an affair with -- you guessed it -- a man at work. Yep, it all begins innocently enough...<P>You have reason to worry... <P><B>sing</B> and <B>orchid</B> give good advice... find out what his needs are and MEET THEM so <B>SHE</B> CAN'T... <P>Read everything you can, do the EN and LB questionairres, and take this very seriously. Trust your gut, it usually knows the truth before you do.<P>Best wishes...<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Your h just asked for help, you have to act immediately.<BR>i believe I read in MB that the admittance of feelings is the beginning of an A. Therefore, there can not be a friendship any longer. The sexual tension will build up, now that feelings are known.<BR>You need to get counseling immediately and the friendship has to end...<BR>this may help you avoid a huge deal of pain..but the ball is already rolling. You are lucky that you know. However, you will definitely have to keep close tabs on both of them...like I said it basically has already begun.<BR>Everything you posted--all those questions on how close a friendship can be, are all INAPPROPRIATE behavior....UNACCEPTABLE..<BR>Totally disrespectful and dishonoring to the spouses.<BR>My H told feelings, said he was happily married, told me he loved me, told her nothing could happen...couple weeks later...Head long into his EA..lying, sneaking to see her...etc. lasted 3 months until I found out.<BR>Believe me, they can't be trusted with one another at all.<BR>They will not think rationally...and of course, he will tell you there is nothing to worry about....But you got the moment of reaching out...that we get and most of us miss.

I don't remember which book it is in(SAA?), but one of Harley's books warns you to NEVER share marital problems with a member of the opposite sex (other than a trained professional). My H had 2 affairs. Both women were having marital problems, turned to him as a friend, one thing led to another,.... <P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

This is exactly how my H affair started with a married co-worker. It only took one month to turn from EA to PA and it lasted one year. She dumped him but he's still pining away for her 8 months later. In fact he's moving out because he'd rather be alone without her than stay here and work on our marriage.You've got trouble with a capital T. Tell your H how you feel and how dangerous this situation can be. Most of us are living proof.<P>Good luck. I hope it's not an EA but you need to act fast.

Replaced dont wait any longer! My H's affair started with a coworker who I liked and thought was doing a good job. Well she did a good job alright, she spent hours on hours being his secretary and confidant talking about her marital problems, divorce, buying house, financial difficulties and kid problems and listening to my H's problems. Needless to say he began looking forward to seeing her, talking to her, spending time with her all the while I thought he was working late. At one time he told me that he just likes to hear her voice on the phone mind you this is my h of 14 yrs.<P>Get a hold of your husband, do the surveys, read surviving an affair and run. He has left her and we are working on our marriage. I can tell you it is difficult knowing that it was both an EA and PA.

You definately need to be worried. My H and co-worker did the same thing. Talked at work about problems at home and couldn't stop seeing each other at work and out of work. He also says he just likes to hear her voice.<P>Well thank to SAA and Plan A that is changing. Now she is devil-woman who does nothing but nag at him and I am the "good girl" who loves him.<P>Protect your marriage, let him know that he can not share intimate feelings and things that happen at home with her.<P>Good luck and God bless.

Ok another suggestion? Try showing him some responses from this and other posts. You may not want to show your questions (unless you and he are comfortable with that). I shared a lot of the responses here with my H. It actually helped (for a while until OW put her hold back on him, them I stopped sending stuff). I sent about 32 posts maybe a bit more. <P>You sound like you are headed in the right direction. Now is the time to make sure you don't jam on the accelerator and push to hard or go to slow. Find the speed limit and cruise with safety in mind. No, I don't work for the Highway Patrol, just saw a few on the road this morning as the traffic was cruising at 80 mph. Hey, this is a fast moving part of the country. What else can I say?<P>Take Care, <P>L.<BR>

I had to respond to the admitted crush part.<BR>My H admitted to another female friend through e-mail that he was having feelings for the ow. the friend only told him not to hurt me and find God. That did not happen. I wish with all my heart that my H would have told me, but truth is I know he didn't, because he knew I would have said he couldn't have been friends with her...and his friendship was already more important than me.<BR>He says you are overreacting...my H use to tell me my feelings were irrational, stupid, unfounded, etc...far from the truth. They were my feelings!! He didn't care...<BR>As far as the other woman --she should be running away from someone who has admitted feelings, especially if she is married..Once feelings are admitted the friendship is changed can never go back....It should be completely over now...there is only one way it can go...to a full blown affair. Sexual tension will start to escalate and it is only a matter of time that she starts to have feelings and admits them to him...and then life becomes hell.