My W's A lasted about 5 months. Mostly EA, but included PA.<P>She moved out about four weeks ago. She has had no contact w/OM for the past two weeks.<P>We are in counselling separately. She says she loves me but is still living on her own. I have been trying to Plan A her for the past two weeks.<P>Last nite she said:<P>"This isn't about you or him, now, it is about me. I have to figure out how I got us here and why and what it says about me."<P>"It's only been two weeks since this all came to a head, we both need time to sort out our feelings."<P>"Don't bail out on me, I need you to be strong."<P>I want to go to couple counselling, but she doesn't, yet because she says it will do no good until she is "100% committed to us and moving forward."<P>I know patience is a virtue at this time, but I am having a hard time with that. I want to move forward. I am committed and still love her. What do you think her statements mean and what should I do. How do I get thru this period when patience is needed?<P>Should we continue to spend some time together?<P>Thanks to all who have answered my other questions and thanks to anyone who can give me some answers to this post.<P>This board has been a God-send for me to get through the past couple of weeks. <P> <P><BR>She now tells me the following <BR>

Not sure I can be of much help but, my hubby (WS) has said the same things to me. He is 40 years old and had an EA and brief PA with a 34 year old woman from work. They are no longer involved physically, but he still has strong feelings for her. He questions our marriage, me and himself. He will not commit to couples counselling until he sorts himself out. He may never agree to go. I have accepted this and continue in the marriage by working on myself (through counselling),focusing on our two children and him when he will let me. It is very difficult when all I want to do is make us better. Read about Plan A and begin adopting it. Definitely see her and give her all the love and support you can while trying not to smother her. That is a mistake I made before I came here. It's hard to back off when you want to prove how much you love them and how willing you are to try to forgive. Dday for me was about 8 weeks ago. Has it gotten easier? I have to say no, but on the outside, he sees that I am trying to be strong for myself, our family and us.<BR>I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

Your wife is probably in withdrawal right now and missing the OM, which is clouding her feelings for you. By "sort out her feelings," I suspect she means "find her feelings" for you. If she's in withdrawal, all she can think about is the OM and the OM is likely receiving all of her emotional energy. She's trying to figure out how she can commit to a future with you when her feelings might be elsewhere. Also, the last 4 or 5 months have probably been awful for her (guilt, shame, remorse?) and emotionally she's probably a wreck, so she just wants to crawl into a hole and let the dust settle before she can find the strength to move forward again. It's a very difficult situation for her to be in (not to justify it, of course). Unfortunately for you, you'll probably have to wait for her.<P>Keep spending time with her. I think Plan A is the way to go in this case, but if you rush her you have as much chance of pushing her away as you do of bringing her in. Two weeks really isn't a long time to be in recovery. The good news is that she views you as a source of strength and her request that you not bail on her tells me she needs you. Be what she needs you to be for a bit longer and stay close to her. I think she'll come around.

Hi Elad,<P>You are going through what many of us have and it is a confusing situation. I call it the roller coaster ride of emotions. From your post, it appears that your wife is in the fog and very confused which direction to take.<P>She is asking for your support, time for herself, time with you and space. Now when she needs these things is what is confusing. Coupled with that, if a woman has those dreaded PMS events this could also make things hard. <P>Here is a suggestion. You are going to have to work on building up a lot of patience (not one of my strong virtues when I came here, but I am getting better). Build up your support to be strong. Try a couple of single counseling sessions with the Harleys and try for plan A. You may need to prepare and look into plan B (be prepared). Be prepared for emotional setbacks. It is important to be able to step back and keep a clear perspective. Pray for a calm heart and a clear mind. Real important stuff if you want to keep out of the fog yourself. <P>See dealing with those in the fog is hard, because we so much want to help and believe what they are telling us (especially the positive things), but their words and actions may be opposite at this time and this tends to really confuse us and we start wondering about our sanity.<P>Stop!!! Remember to take what she is saying with a grain of salt. Tell her you love her and will be there for her support as she needs while you are in plan A. Also gently tell her that you would appreciate it that she respect you as a person/husband and while you want to be there for her, she needs to not treat you as a 2nd class person. Just put the thought in her mind knowing that sometimes she will try to do that. Then watch and wait. The road will be rough and depending on her state of mind, it could be a while. <P>Hang tough, we will be here for you.<P>L.<BR>

Thanks for the wors of encouragement.<P>This is all rather confusing for so many of us.<P>Since my post this morning I received a "hang in there" card from my W. <P>In it she had a note saying I am "a wonderful man and I need to remember that."<P>If I am so wonderful and she says she loves me---why is it so hard for her to take the next step and commit to saving our marriage?<P>Like I said--very confusing for us BS's.

You ask, "why is it so hard for her to take the next step and commit to saving our marriage?" My H recovered from his affair the same way your W is doing. I heard the same things you are hearing. I think we hear this because in reality the affair is mostly about inner turmoil within themselves and they have to sort all that out and dig down deep and find the person that they really are/were. We Bs's already know who that person is, so,it makes it frustrating for us to have to sit patiently and watch WS in this self "rediscovery" phase. I know my own H was very overwhelmed with knowing why he did what he did. He felt he had to sort it all out before he recommited because he said he had to know he would never do this again before he came back. I guess, to know in his heart he would never do it again, he had to understand why he did it in the first place.I'm glad now that he took the time he needed to do this. We have an incredible marriage now.<P>Have patience. Tell your wife what a wonderful woman she is despite her mistake. Give her time and space. See her for the person you know her to be and she'll see the reflection of her true self when she looks in your eyes and that will help her to recover that true self. They need us to be the strong ones when they finally realize the enormity of what they have done. It's a good thing that they do finally realize the hugeness of their mistake. I think it makes for a very healthy recovery for them individually,for us individually and for the marriage as a whole. Good things come to those who wait. Hang in there.......as your wife asked and she'll find her way back. Better yet she'll be whole again and able to focus entirely on making the marriage better, and that is what you really want in the long run,isn't it?

Thanks for all the replies.<P>I am trying to be patient, I know it is important but it is the hardest thing to do.<P><BR>