Sorry about two posts in such a short time frame.<P>I have been reading various posts. Now I want to get everyone's opinion. Are there differences between H cheaters and W cheaters. In my case I have a W who is communicating w/OM who she says is only a friend (i know what you're thinking - yeah right). I have read a lot of the posts from women who have H cheaters. I have found some incredible simularities, but are there differences. For me, my W is a stay-at-home mom, does that make a difference.<P>Are there different patterns between H cheaters and W cheaters? Is the "fog" the same for both? <P>Sorry for all the Q's<P>S&C

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sadandconfused:<BR><B>Sorry about two posts in such a short time frame.<P>I have been reading various posts. Now I want to get everyone's opinion. Are there differences between H cheaters and W cheaters. In my case I have a W who is communicating w/OM who she says is only a friend (i know what you're thinking - yeah right). I have read a lot of the posts from women who have H cheaters. I have found some incredible simularities, but are there differences. For me, my W is a stay-at-home mom, does that make a difference.<P>Are there different patterns between H cheaters and W cheaters? Is the "fog" the same for both? <P>Sorry for all the Q's<P>S&C</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think there is a COMPLETE difference -- at least in my past marriage. <P>Although both my ex-H and I were WS, and both of us got our need for "admiration" met by the OP/s (he had five affairs, I had one) I think that I became emeshed with the OM, and the OM, only. I couldn't love the OM and my H at once. I realized after I slept with the OM that I didn't love him, but the damage was done.<P>My ex, on the other hand, was not emotionally emeshed with the OW's (not one of them)... he got his "fix" and moved on. <P>I'd like to see others opinions on this.<P>Oh, and don't worry about asking lots of questions -- totally normal!! <P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited April 12, 2001).]

Yes, big difference. Men cheat mostly because they want sex and admiration. For women it is mostly emotional, wifes need to believe they are in love with the OM.

Oh I dont know. My H had an EA first and then it turned into a PA. He states that he loves her and truly misses her. That they had a friendship first that was very deep that turned to love. He isnt sure that he will ever feel that way about me or did. I was giving him sex and still am. I did fall way short in the admiration department but then again he wasnt fulfilling my needs either.

uhmmm...will have to think about that one...I do think that women (as my therapists told me) cannot compartmentalize things as a man can; we view the entire pie of life as one continuous circle and feel things deep to the core of who we are. Men can separate each section separately and allow one area to not affect another, but I think there are exceptions to each stereotype of the textbooks. I also think that women can befriend a co-worker man and he interprets that as flirting or a come-on when she is just being a caregiver of sorts in an innocent way.<P>Let me think on that one a bit....

In my case, the W was supposedly overwhelmed by the lust & attention of young men. She swears there was no emtional connection -- she described it as exciting and I believe it validated her need to be admired by two guys much younger than her. A lot of what I read suggests that her actions were sterotypical of the male. She's 48 & her hormone level has diffinately been different for the past year. Traditionally we were seldom intimate(married 30 years), but in the last year we've been very active, in fact, in retrospect her drive incresed with the A's.

I don't think they're as different as I once did. Admittedly, some affairs are simply sexual things (although one could ponder as to whether that STILL meets a need for admiration - prowess in bed, perhaps? the great conquerer? Hmmmm...). But I think the underlying need for MOST are pretty much the same. Many H's "fall in love" b/f or AFTER the affair becomes physical. (Like mine). Same for w's. All of us mortals need to be valued for who and what we are, what we do and how we do it, appreciated for just being on this earth. Spouses tend to to take each other for granted in one way or another and that opens us up for affairs. Someone said in a thread wayy back that these things weren't really "needs", but emotional wants or something like that (or at least that's how I understood it). But they are needs; babies can not only fail to thrive, but sometimes perish if so-called "emotional" needs are not met. Adults are no different, really.<P>On the surface, I do believe there are small differences, but the underlying "stuff" is many times the same.<P>Oh, and that she's a SAHM.....it might. SAHM's tend to receive less recognition and less appreciation and respect for the hard work they do than any other segment of society. Not only that, contact with adults is limited and, although the sense of fulfillment of being there for your children and family is the greatest, it's at least different than corporate and peer accolades for job performance. In other words, for the tremendous effort that SAHM's put forth, there just ain't nearly enough strokes! Or varied adult contact....conversation topics....tons of stuff. You're not "dressing" every day and not receiving compliments from various folks for that....ton's of hidden dangers there. And the spouse who hasn't tried it is CLUELESS as to the amount of work and effort as compared to THEIR away from home job. The respect they deserve is simply not shown as often. The job is never-ending. They are "expected" to put themselves last for 16 or more hours a day - after all, that's why they stay home, right? And so SAHM's sometimes tend to neglect themselves, cause everyone else comes first, they're neglected by their spouses and definitely "up" for attention and admiration if someone else shows it.<P>I had seen this as a working mom all my life and it was my greatest fear when Robert and I made this decision for me to stay home and we discussed it ad nauseum. Even though he hasn't been THAT kind of husband, I've had a really hard time adjusting, to the lack of changing challenges (you know what I mean - like accounting), human contact, contributing financially to our life, tons of things. It actually made me insecure.<P>Disclaimer - the above is an opinion and does not mean all SAHM's are ready for affairs or that all h's of SAHM's are neglectful! <P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited April 12, 2001).]