I think my situation is unique, but maybe someone has been here before and can offer advice. My husband is a professor and has been having an affair with a student--I won't go into the details now, suffice to say the patterns of behavior and the resulting pain would be familiar to all who have been through this. I recognize what must be done if we are to have a chance to save our marriage...most of what is recommended in "Surviving an Affair" is doable, and he is willing, but there is a big complication. Complete separation from the lover on his part entails either quitting his job or "coming clean" to the university administration about his actions, which are strictly against university policy. Our joint works depends on his retaining his position--we are both in a field in which academic posts are extremely hard to come by, and our joint work would suffer immeasurably if he were to leave his position. Admitting his mistake to his superiors would mean the student would be forbidden to study with him or to participate in our joint work. He (claims he) has encouraged her to study elsewhere, but that he cannot force her, or she could claim he was "discriminating" against her and possibly file a "harassment" suit. I told him that she could not do that, since by virtue of university policy, if she admitted a sexual relationship with a faculty member, she would guarantee she would not be able to continue studying with him. She had a chance to switch universities (she is about to start grad school--yes, it was an undergrad!!) and as far as I know, she is electing to stay put (what I expected, as she has made it known to me that she intends to keep "going after" him... My H. says ...even if she stays, that if he and I work on our marriage, then no outside threat will matter. ...HELP!!<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited April 30, 2001).]

Octavia99,<P>There may be another option, perhaps you and H could take a sabbatical for a year. Thus if she comes to your school there will be no one to study with. I realize changing universities is difficult, but that may be necessary.<P>I sit here and see that there is no way she will go to another grad. school. Why? Well, she may win her lover over. Bad idea on her part, because if she succeeds in destroying your marriage you have very little reason not to destroy her and your H. She loses. The most likely reason is that she can "blackmail" the both of you into allowing her to skate through grad school, and of course giving her "glowing" recommendations for a post doc, or an associate professorship.<P>So my suggestion is that your H and perhaps you take a sabbatical making it impossible for her to be his student for this period of time. Meanwhile, your H can "encourage" to go elsewhere. I presume that he does want out of this mess.<P>Sorry, I couldn't be of more help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you very much JL for your suggestion. It IS a possibility, by God. He is actually due for one, but because the only other prof. in his subject is in semi-retirement, he felt he had to postpone a sabbatical til later. But this is a great idea--we have a big grant to do fieldwork and it would be very logical for him to request time off now to devote time to the fieldwork. That would indeed give us some time to work on the marriage, and the student some time to think over her predicament. I didn't mention this in my original message, but one of the other complications is that because of the fieldwork, I am out of the country while he is teaching and he joins me during the break periods (that is one of the things that paved the way for the affair). So if he were to take a sabbatical and join me here, leaving her behind, our chances would be much better. Yes, I do believe he truly wants out of the mess he created, but he is paralyzed by fear for his job and reputation...he doesn't seem to realize that if the student/prof relationship continues in any form, it will be much worse for him, no matter if he himself tries to "be good" or not. Thank you again for your help, I will broach the subject with my husband. With gratitude, octavia99

Octavia99,<P>I can imagine he is worried. She has him in quite a bind, of course he put himself there. Yet, she may have been able to put him there without his consent. The laws and PC's being what they are with regard to a females complaint of sexual harrassment. I have seen it done several times.<P>So if you are out of the country or at least out of town and he can join you for a year or more of field work, then she will have to continue her education elsewhere. Be warned she sounds pretty dangerous from a political point of view, she may try to force her way onto the field work, if there is sufficient funding to support a student.<P>So talk with your H, plan carefully, and see if this can be made to happen. I realize you have some connections with the administration of your university, but I would be reluctant to go there even with assurances. My experiences with university administrations is that they aren't the most steadfast people (Ok, they lack guts. ). However, perhaps you and your H could find a way to make it attractive for her to leave, since he won't be there.<P>Now, I do hope that you and your H have perhaps read the concepts on this board, because apart from his decidedly poor choices, something else must have been going on in your marriage. These issues need to be addressed. If you have not read much here I would suggest reading NSR's general greeting in the Just Found Out section. Within that post are many bookmarks to the more salient articles here as well as notable posts. There is much to be learned. The good news is that learning is you and your H's specialty right? It needs to be now.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

...<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Octavia,<P>I think if nothing else your H needs to understand that he is committing professional suicide, if he continues with this girl. Further, she is a fantasy. Her parents probably support her, she is free to do whatever, whenever, with no consequences. A real relationship will not offer that freedom of accountability. Further, there is little to suggest that she won't dump him for a wealthy stock broker or something.<P>It does seem that you have done your home work. I hope he does his. Perhaps you can suggest this place to him. He will one thing for sure, he hasn't invented a single thing that has not be done before. Heck, even the vocabulary is almost identical from one Wayward Spouse, WS, to another, for that matter it is pretty much the same for the betrayed spouse, BS.<P>I do hope that a properly applied sabbatical might just do the trick. But be aware that you both have considerable healing to do. It will take time, but do take the time to enjoy one another.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear JL, Your insights are right on target. She is the only child of a well-to-do couple, has never had to work, only to focus on following her inclinations and fancies. She and my husband have been able to fantasize about their "future" as a "professional couple" precisely because I have been handling all the nitty-gritty details of reality for both my husband and the project. They flew out last summer, stopping in Europe to pick up equipment (with three free days to tour Paris on grant funds), arrived here and were seen to thanks to my prior arrangements; then they hopped into a vehicle which I had left loaded and fueled, and zipped off together into an adventure. If someone had ever given my husband and myself the chance to do that, I'm sure we too would've felt it was a romantic vacation rather than the struggle that initiating and carrying out fieldwork in this third world country usually is. I would love it if my husband would look at this site, or at least read some of the literature. He is VERY resistant to any outside suggestions, counselling, etc. He usually balks when I try to communicate with him about what I've read, but he does pay attention: this becomes evident whenever I let fly a LB and he lets me know that I'm not following the advice I quoted to him! I must mostly lead by example and that has been very hard..thanks again for all your help. God bless you too--I am trying to have faith that things will turn out right in the end; sometimes I find my faith in everything shaken, but every time I am in the throes of despair, someone will show up in my life with a clear message not to throw in the towel. At times it has been very unexpected and via someone who knows nothing at all about my situation, yet says just what I need to hear. I hope that means my prayers have not been in vain; I am going to check out more of the inspirational things I've seen posted. Thanks again, octavia99

octavia99,<P>I am going to say something that is going to sound very disrespectful, but I have on more than one occasion reminded my colleagues about this. A PhD. doesn't make you smart, it simply suggests that your are capable of teaching yourself the many things you don't know.<P>Hopefully, your H will be a bit more interested in learning these new skills as the affair wears down, and he is reminded that the idolatry of a child hardly bolsters his status as a learned man or even a good human being.<P>Don't give up hope Octavia99. If you read here long you will see the trend. Rarely, do the affairs lead to marriage and when they do it is usually with less than great results. Mostly, the affairs end and if you have been using something like the Plan A here, you will look very good to your H. You are the most likely to end up happily married to him. The statistics show it. It is a hard road, but you have a very good chance of prevailing. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

...<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Octavia99,<P>I will address the book first. As one of the authors on the book you should see the galley proofs. At that time, you can remove this little devotional yourself, or you can call H on it. If you take the first course of action, simply state that he had agreed to remove it and rather than rub his face in the A, you took the opportunity to remove it for him as he indicated this was his desire.<P>Quite frankly, he would be a complete fool to include this in his book. If she ever files charges with the University, this would be prime evidence of their connection. I agree it is also pretty darn insensitive to have such a thing in a book co-authored with one's spouse even if they were divorcing.<P>As for the continued contact, I think it is not good, but may be unavoidable. He is addicted, she has nothing to lose, and is very likely of the opinion that her parents would bail her out of any trouble, leaving your H holding the bag. I would definitely do the best Plan A you can from a distance.<P>The sabbatical thing is problematic. It will be of no use, unless your H can inform this girl that he won't be around for at least the first year of her graduate work. Along with this should come the suggestion that most Universities prefer that under graduates, go elsewhere for their graduate work. Certainly in my field they do. So I would still use the sabbatical and the recommendation that she broaden her experience by doing graduate work elsewhere. Of course all of this falls to your H to do, so it is imperative that he gets his head out of that place where "the sun don't shine" and convince her to go elsewhere. I would also recommend that he spend as much time at your site as he can for the school holidays.<P>Octavia99, Plan A won't bring your H back, it is for you. It is to help you become stronger and better spouse if you get the chance. When your H finally comes out of the fog, the results of your Plan A will shine, if he doesn't you will find yourself much stronger and better equiped for your next relation. The difficulty with the distance right now is that you cannot meet his needs very well, certainly not sexual ones. Here I suspect is where a willing and fearless undergrad has an advantage. She is not worried about the consequences, and she has nothing to lose. Such an attitude can be intoxicating for awhile, but I suspect your H is beginning to see the cost to him, THIS IS NOT FREE LOVE. <P>His neck is in a noose. He may lose you, he will lose her, and the odds grow that he will lose is position, his career, and more.<P>So hang in there, you are the strong one right now. He is still addicted but that may be wearing off. I hope so.<P><BR>God Bless,<P>JL

...<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited July 30, 2001).]

Octavia,<P>I would still counsel you to talk with your H about the sabbatical and telling the girl that she will be without an advisor for a lengthy period of time. Further, he could take a leave of absence for a period of time I suspect. <P>About Plan A, it is not meant for you to be a door mat, although many interpret it as that. It is for you to avoid LB's and work on the things that you contributed to the current state of the marriage. You can still disagree with your H, but try to do it with a minimum of LB's that is all.<P>As for the girl, stealing your work and not citing it. Well, this may be a little underhanded, but you could get her in a very serious crack with the University for doing this. In such a situation, it might be deemed by all that it would be in the best interests of all concerned that she go elsewhere. You H is obviously sowing the seeds for distruction of his group and his department if other grad students feel that there is favoritism. They may not hesitate to bring down the whole thing.<P>Talk honestly with your H. Ask him if you can truely trust him with data or much less your heart. You can only warn him Octavia, you cannot lead his life for him. Frankly, I would sit for awhile on the data and begin to write the papers. Then at the end add your H's name and submit it for publication with the appropriate acknowledgements.<P>I would definitely tell your H about the sense of favoritism that you are hearing about. Don't let him stick his head in the sand about this because if he does he is doomed.<P>I remind people that: "Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate." Your H is in the accumulation mode and it will cost him his marriage, and his profession. Talk to him, open the lines of communication, and hang on. You can do this, but it is hard very hard.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear JL, A thousand thank you's for your response. I was pacing the floors, trying to decide what to do. I was too impatient to wait for advice, and thought I would just email my H following my own intuition. At first, I think I was set to do major love-busting, but instead it turned into almost exactly what you counseled, and now I feel I have done the right thing for now. I tried to present to him a vision of what we could do for each other and how an "emergency sabbatical" could allow us just that opportunity. I told him how excited I was by the new data and how I couldn't wait to share it with him, but that I felt restrained by my fears that it would in turn be shared with the OW. I appealed to the man he used to be, and that I believe he still is deep down, and basically let him know that it is up to him to set the course aright. I am praying it will touch something in him, but I fear he will withdraw into his own despair. He does feel very badly for what he has done, not only to me but to his responsibilities as a professor and I think he is struggling for a noble way out...though he is still not over the OW and that is making it very difficult for him. When I put my own anger aside, I feel very sad for him. In terms of scholarship and hard work, no one deserves more than he to be a respected professor in our field...it crushes me to think he has jeopardized that. I am disappointed in him but I also feel badly for him...that is what is holding me back from bringing the situation to light. I cannot bring the student to justice without also revealing my H for what he has become. I wish to God I didn't have any such opportunity, that if there had to be an OW, it was just someone from outside the university. Things would be so much simpler then. But we have to play the hand we're dealt I guess. I feel like it is my responsibility to speak up or allow this morally bankrupt person to go unpunished..but that is not my job, is it? I guess I've always been the type of person who gets really bothered when a wrong is happening. I've often channelled that into doing positive things and it has allowed me to stand up against enormous odds to fight for what I believed in. But this situation is different, because the wrong has been done primarily to me, and I am having a hard time distinguishing doing what is right from being merely vengeful. Thank you for your inspiration and support...I could've logged onto this site at any time since I bought Surviving an Affair (quite a while ago), but I did it now and I choose to believe this is another way God is providing me with what I need to get through this. I am so very grateful for your time and help--I hope one day to be in a position to do the same for someone else. I responded to someone I thought I could help in Just found out...but in a way, I feel not very fit to be offering encouragement when I am still so uncertain myself. Thanks again, octavia99

Octavia99,<P>Always offer encouragement, even if you don't feel qualified to help. The reason?? It is simple, everyone has to solve their own problems. All any of us can do is to encourage them to examine their motives, the goodness of their actions, and remind them of possible consequences. The solving must be done by them.<P>I am glad to hear that you are getting involved. You will also find one other ironic thing, you will probably learn more, than the person you are trying to help. Sort of like teaching, isn't it? <P>God Bless,<P>JL