How do you overcome your spouse seeing things differently then you do? I know that people don't see eye to eye. But when one person is putting a value on who is hurt more or was hurt more. Is that right to do? I am confused on this point. I feel that my H went into all this detail of the woulda, shoulda, couldas when those don't really matter. They do but you can dredge up the past every chance you get. If you notice in my posts I don't go into detail the things that he did to me, etc. I could that might make ya'll better understand why I did what I did. But I don't think that is the main concern. What should I do?<P>------------------<BR>*SB*

you "can't" not "can dredge up

Do people ever answer questions? Not to offend anyone.

Welcome <B>snowbunny21</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><BR>Without an understanding of the MB concepts and principals...<BR>...the responses you get won't make much sense.<P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It is unclear where you're at from your post...<BR>...but no matter where it is...<BR>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Does that mean be abused?... NO!<P>Does that mean you should sit down and open your feelings (not hateful thoughts)?... YES!<P>Plan A... and letting your husband know your intentions (with a few words)... followed up with much more in the way of actions... <B>is the MB way</B>.<P>BTW: evenings are <B>very</B> slow...<BR>weekends are just about as slow...<BR>and holiday weekends are the <B>s l o w e s t</B>...<BR>Be a bit more patient with people answering.<P>If I can I'll check back later tonight...<BR>...my kids are with their mom this weekend.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 13, 2001).]

You can not make someone do something that they don't want to do. People will see things the way they choose.<P>You feel the the coulda woulda shoulda doesn't matter. Obviously he thinks they do.<P>Step back. Make a sincere effort to see things from his perspective. Maybe then you can understand a bit better.

SB,<P>Interesting name for someone living in Temple TX Nice town by the way. Oh! I now live in Northern CA. So I am very familiar with both areas of your residence.<P>So you ask why is he going through the woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Well, stop and think, you are in TX, he is in CA and you are the one that left right? You also had the affair right? <P>So why is he in this frame of mind? He needs to understand what happened. You have hurt him very deeply. If you don't understand that please read the many posts here. An affair is often compared to a death in the family, the death being perferable. You also left. Now I don't know all of the details, but he doesn't know where he stands, who he is married to or how you could have done this to him.<P>Yup, your right he had a role in the state of the marriage before the affair, but the affair was all yours, 100%. I know you feel there was justification, most WS who come here do feel that. Just as most betrayed spouses (BS) take awhile to see their role in the marriage and the state of it that led to the affair.<P>Your H is going to heal from all of this, and he doesn't know how to do it. He doesn't know how to prevent you from doing it again. In short he is completely lost emotionally. So he is doing what everyone does, he is trying to make sense of it, he is trying to come to some understanding of the why, how, when, will it happen again. This takes several things, honest information from you, communications on a level that neither of you have had before, your help, Time, and patience.<P>So have patience, be honest with him, and communicate (don't argue). That is the start.<P>I would strongly recommend that you read the postings that NSR has in his message. I think they will change your perspective. Also reread the letter your H posted here. It seems he does want to reconcile, but that doesn't mean that he isn't deeply hurt and betrayed. If he loved you SB what you did just ripped him wide open. <P>God Bless,<P>JL

I'm a WS and I know that both my H and I were both hurt by this mess, but in very different ways. I don't really think you can compare the two, much less determine who was hurt worse.<P>As a former WS, I know I hurt my H beyond imagination, but for me, I felt a great deal of remorse, a great deal of pain knowing that I was cruel, that I was dishonest, that I broke a sacred vow to the one person who truly loved me. Yes, he felt all the pain that betrayal brings, but I caused that pain and that alone made me feel miserable. But, we never compared who was hurting who more. We just came to accept that this was a very bad situation that I put our marriage in and our relationship in, we both have regrets about things done, things not done, but we try not to compare - or "weigh" rights and wrongs.<P>My H and I still don't see eye to eye on everything, but we've learned to accept and even appreciate each other's point of view on certain things - not to weaken our marriage, but to understand each other better and to make our marriage stronger. Things that happened in the past - well, you should try to keep them in the past, but realize that they had an impact on the person you are and the person your H is - so some of it is relevant, and if there are problems that just seem to be recurring, then I think you have to come to terms with things that happened in the past, agree to disagree if you have to, but try to put yourself in the other person's position and try to understand how they feel. You cannot control how other people think, or what they say and do, but you can try to understand, try to see things their way. Yes, it may be different from what you think, but it will help you to get a better understanding or at least a different perspecitve.<P>I've found that it's not necessariy who's right or who's wrong that matters, but how you can live with and accept differences of opinion - when really it may not really matter whose right or whose wrong. Ultimately, I think there are situations when the answer is clear cut - yes the affair was wrong. But in cases where there are "grey areas" sometimes you just have to accept that people don't think the same way. If it's causing problems for both of you now, than I think it's something you need to address. If it's something from the past, you have decide if it is something you need to deal with, or something you can let go.<P>Anyway, I don't know if that helped at all or not. My H and I have been in recovery for over a year, and we have learned to accept and appreciate each other as individuals -and that has made an enormous difference in our relationship. We don't always agree, but we try to talk through the important issues, and realize some things that we may not agree on - well, we'll never agree on it. Does it matter - not ont he important issues.<P>

ARRRRRGH!! Got booted.<P>Anyway what I had said before was I was going to explain a little. Give a little more fact.<P>We met on the net actually. Chat Planet don't know if ya'll have been there before. So the first part of our relationship was just talking. So we both thought we had great communication skills. Which was not the case. He flew to oklahoma(where I am from)the first week of March 99'. I then moved to California on March 27th of 99'. Exactly one month later we got married on April 27th my 20th b-day. On May 2nd went to the emergency room and found out that I was pregnant. So I think you are knowing where I am going with this. Things were fine at first. (things are always fine at first though) I had toxemia and a stupid doctor so I gained alot of weight. After the baby was born alot of things changed. (as they always do)My doctor gave me the depo shot for birth control. Not really knowing all the side effects. (my husband thinks that they have alot to do with the way I felt) His job is very demanding. He works in a very negative place. He works in the Administrational Segregation unit of a State prison in California. So basically he works in the area with the worst people. He has serious anger issues. He is very racist to a point. He has friends with many different races but he does judge people sometimes according to their race. This is something that he is working on. I am not racist in the least. I guess I have been told with alot of men they don't pay attention to what you say. Well he doesn't. I can repeat myself 3-4 times and he still won't remember and depending on what it is then he'll yell at me telling me that I didn't tell him. When I bring something up to discuss sometimes. He doesn't support me. He finds evey negative thing wrong with it and tells me why I should not do it. I am completely supportive of him. If he wanted to open a sky diving school (he knows nothing about it) I would be supportive of him. He does not do the same for me. For along time he thought the end all be all is MONEY! His parents have drilled that into his head. Yes money is important but I was trying to tell him that your family is more important. Either he was at work or on his computer 24/7. We never did anything. I think after our son was bron we went out together one time. One time of "adult time". There are times that he makes me feel stupid. Like I don't know anything. When we get into an argument he doesn't know how to express himself so he says very down right hurtful things. To the point of mental and verbal abuse. No I did not leave him. My grandmother passed away. I inherited her house on the lake there in Texas. He says that I shoved moving down his throat. Which I know I went about it the wrong way. So when this house things came up I was excited. Rather than being 40 some hours from my family I was 7. Family is important to me. He is an only child. Really has no strong family ties and I am the opposite. Not to the point I can't live without my family they are just important. California is not for me. I am from the south. I am not used to people thinking you are going to rob them when you talk to them in the grocery store.(thats the experience I got) So I moved to Texas the 1st of Oct. He was to be there by T-giving. Then it was X-mas, then it was going to be 6 mos. I felt as though he never really intended on coming. in Nov. after not seeing each other for 6 weeks. He flew to Texas. We did nothing but fight. Him and I talked about it, we both agreed that something was wrong. Seriously wrong. He doesn't know much about children. So when he kept hounding me about our son coming out there for awhile I was trying to explain to him that I was the primary care giver since our son was born. He is very very attatched to me. That he wouldn't understand why mommy wasn't there. he said that I was using him as an excuse. Because my H won't believe anything unless it comes from a doctor or in some book, on the net, or in a magazine. So the common things that kids do that people know about that have been around kids he doesn't believe when you tell him. He thinks that when a 6 month old screams and cries you scream back at him. Called him stupid or dumb when my son just wouldn't hold his bottle when another baby younger would. he could he just wanted to bond and affection of being held and fed. I could not explain to him that children develop at their own pace. It doesn't make them stupid or dumb. Another problem is my in-laws. Now I am sure everyone has heard horror stories. Well here goes. I am caught in the middle. My husband is actually asian. Although he looks hawaiian. My M-N-L is full blood chinese. She wanted her son to marry an asian woman. because she knew that he would be well taken care of. She has never excepted me. this has all finally came out in the wash sp to speak. I already knew though. She is got her nose so far up everyone's butts. My husband can't stand being around her alot of the time. She wants to know everything. She'll ask my H and he won't say anything. Then she goes to me. Asking me. I refuse to say anything in the she says that I am not sociable. Then she may sit there and bash her son and I try to defend him saying the wrong thing and she turns it around and tells him. Then he gets mad at me and then I have to explain to him what was really said or what I meant. So at the end of nov I told my H that he needed to take a parenting class. Gave him the name and number of who to call. He never did. That made me feel like he just didn't care at the time. I started to shut down. Seperate myself. By the time the end of Jan came things were awful. We had agreed to be seperated. Agreed that if we were going to see someone else that we had to discuss it. Well I had met a friend from the gym I go to. I wasn't looking for anything. And we became close. when I told my H about it he flew off the handle. By this time I was very disconnected and confused. But I told him that was our deal. We had also said that if one or the other had a problem with it we would stop. Well by this point i really felt like our marriage was over. That it was just a legality. I do not feel that i cheated on him. I never hid anything from him. I was and still am very confused. There are a number of factors still yet. I am willing to go to California to fix things. There are alot of things that have to be taken into consideration. there are not many good jobs there other than the mill and the prisons. So its hard to find anything there. I feel like I am willing to put forth 100% but he is not. I understand his anger and hurt. I never meant to hurt him. He does not understand mine. Thats why I said you can't compare one persons hurt to anothers. I am not trying to make him think my way. But do what I have done and try to understand. I make no excuses for myself and things I have done to contribute to all the problems. I am not perfect. But sometimes it just seems that we are too different. even though we both love each other there is just toooooo much conflict to resolve sometimes and that it may never change.<P>------------------<BR>*SB*