I'm going to post this both here and in the Emotional Needs forum, because I think it's important for all the new folks here to read.<P>I'm not as active a participant here as I used to be, but I still lurk and post when I have something to offer or have a question.<P>We have a lot of new folks here, and to you, I say "Welcome."<P>I would like to make a request, however. This board does not exist in a vacuum. Many of the folks who come here are suffering marital distress. A support group is not about just saying, "Yes, your spouse is a bad person, let's have a b*tch-fest." It's about getting through the minefield, whether it's about emotional needs, conflict, negotiation, children, infidelity, whatever. <P>The Marriage Builders site and the books sold here have a wealth of useful information about getting through the pitfalls that can befall a marriage. These boards only work if people READ, UNDERSTAND, and USE the techniques put forth on this site to resolve marital issues.<P>If you are posting about a problem, please read the rest of the site first, or in conjunction with your forum postings. If you are responding to a post, please read, understand and point out how these techniques might help out the person you're responding to. I just read a thread in the EN forum in which a man dealing with his wife's infidelity was told by a new poster, in essence, "Your wife is cheating on you, man, she's a liar, now slap her around a bit and show her who's boss." It wasn't in so many words, but this was the gist of it. Not only is this sort of thing not helpful, but it can be destructive. These are people's LIVES we're playing with here, and we have to be careful. People whose emotions are raw are very susceptible to suggestions.<P>When I sought help here, I was greeted by a large number of very experienced MB-ers, who were very helpful in navigating me through my minefield according to the MB principles. Many of those have moved on, but many are still here. Some of us don't post much because the posters either aren't familiar with the principles or don't want to bother to read them, just want advice and affirmation that they are OK and the spouse is awful.<P>That's not what this site is about, folks.<P>I think some of the other old-timers will chime in and agree with me here, but THESE TECHNIQUES WORK. They often work for marriages, and they always work to learn about yourself.<P>Please use them before or in conjunction with posting here.<P>And just a couple more things that might help you get responses:<P>1) Distill your thoughts before posting. Tell your story, clearly, concisely, consistently.<P>2) Please use paragraphs. I for one don't care how long a post is, but if it's all in one paragraph, I am NOT going to read it, because it's too hard to follow.<P>3) Do not post in all capital letters. That's regarded as shouting.<P>4) Ask questions. <P>Good luck and good learning.

Hi... I hope that those of you who seek to resolve your relationship crisis, will find the following recipe helpful. One very important thing to remember is that it takes a lot of time and work. But hey, time is on your side. So lets educate ourselves. <BR> <BR>All great recipes for your favorite cakes, cookies, pies and deserts require some key ingredients to make them turn out succesful.<P>Dealing with your spouses is no different.<BR>In order for this experience to turn out succesfully, there are many key ingredients that you need to have.<P>RECIPE FOR SUCCESS<BR>IN DEALING WITH MLC<P>Ingredients needed:<P>PATIENCE-You will need a large quantity of patience. If you lack patience, you will first need to aquire it before proceeding with the recipe.<P>PMA-A consistent Positive Mental Attitude is necessary in dealing with the insanity of your spouses MLC. Without this ingredient, the recipe will be a failure.<P>FAITH-You need a strong faith, and to believe this experience is about the lessons God wants you to learn. That in all crisis situations in life, is when we learn and grow the most. Put your trust in God. What ever happens will be Gods will.<P>PERSAVERENCE-You will need to find this special ingredient. There will be many times when you want to give up. Without this ingredient you might as well scrap the recipe, and ask for a divorce. Persaverence can be found deep within yourself, you just have to look for it.<P>PRAYERS-You will need a daily dose of prayers. You can not survive this journey alone, you need to ask God for help. Ask God to give you the strength to not give up and to guide you on your journey.<P>LISTENING SKILLS-Good listening skills are necessary for your spouse to trust you and be open with you. Do not try and defend yourself, it will just make your spouse withdraw.<P>LEARNING SKILLS-This recipe would not be complete without good learning skills. You need to read and understand as much as you can about MLC, it will help you in dealing with your spouse, and be less angry towards them.<BR>Knowledge will give you greater strength and make you feel more in control of your life.<P>EMPATHY-You will need this ingredient as you learn more about MLC, and have a better understanding of the pain and turmoil your spouse is feeling inside themselves.<P>COMMITMENT-Without a commitment to never, never, ever give up, you will bale out early on from all of the pain and agony. Remember, no pain, no gain.<P>FORGIVENESS-You wil need to learn how to forgive your spouse, and to forgive yourself.<BR>"Forgiveness Is A Gift You Give Yourself"<P>UNCONDITIONAL LOVE-You will have to discover the meaning of unconditional love, that no matter what you or your spouse has done to hurt each other, or misbehaved during your marriage, you will need to love each other and yourselves unconditionaly.<P>LIFES LESSONS-You will need to learn lifes lessons.That throughout our lives, we grow Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. That this MLC experience, is a great opportunity for both you and your spouse to grow, and learn all that you are supposed to learn at this stage of life.<P>LETTING GO-You will need to finally detach or "Let Go" of your spouse. Set them free. You have no control over wether they return or not. If they decide to return, it will because of how you have treated them and acted towards them through their MLC journey.<BR>By letting go, you will be giving your spouse the space they need to work things out themselves.<P>TIME-Lots of time is needed for this recipe to work. If you don't give your spouse the proper amount of time they need, you will lose them. It is their journey, they are in control of how much time they need. Don't try and rush things. Its probably a good time to toss in another handful of PATIENCE, you can never add to much to this recipe.<P>SENSE OF HUMOR-After you have found and mixed together all the ingredients listed above, it is time to lighten up and enjoy life. A good sense of humor will get you through the most trying times. Trust me, it doesn't get anymore trying then dealing with a spouses MLC, not even the death of someone close to you.<P>The greatest chance for success with this recipe is to consistently add all of the ingredients. Do not forget any one ingredient, or put to little amount into the mix. You may need to tweak the recipe for your own taste. <P>There is no one MAGIC ingredient that will cure MLC. It requires a well thought out plan and process. There are no shortcuts.<P>Ia m going to list ingredients that have been used in past recipes for dealing with MLC. It has been shown that these ingredients do not work and should not be used.<P>Do Not Use These Ingredients:<P>BEGGING, PLEADING, CRYING-Do not use these ingredients, they have done nothing more than push the spouse with MLC further away.<P>CONTROL/MANIPULATE-Use of these two ingredients will lead straight to disaster. Trying to control your spouse will make them run very fast and very far away.<P>THREATS-Threatening your spouse with divorce will do nothing more than agravate the situation. It will not make your spouse desire to return home.<P>FIXING, CHANGING, CONVINCING YOUR SPOUSE -Forget trying to fix or change your spouse, thats not your job. As far as trying to convinve your spouse that what they are doing is wrong. Save your breath.<P>ANGER-Do not become angry towards your spouse. They will return to you greater anger. Give love and, ACT AS IF you are happy and life is good to you.<P>GUILT-Trying to make your spouse feel guilty about leaving you and the kids will not work.<BR>Your spouse is very self centered at this time, they only think of what they want. They are tired of trying to take care of everyone elses needs while neglecting their own.<P>ACCUSATIONS/BLAMING-Accusing your spouse or blaming them for all the problems in your relationship will do no good. They are already convinced their unhappiness in life is because their married to you. So don't go there.<P>DEFENDING-When your spouse trie to tell you what it is that they don't like about you, don't try and defend yourself. Just sit there and listen, give them full eye contact and validate what they are saying. You don't have to agree with them, but you need to validate that what they think and feel to them is the truth. Wether it is or not, it does not matter.<P>As you work with this RECIPE FOR SUCCESS, you will learn more about what works and what doesn't. <BR> <BR>

D&C:<P>Well-said!

Hi, <P>These posts are great. Can this post be brought to the top on a regular basis (automatically like once a month)? There are 3 sites that I visit, GQII, Recovery and Divorcing/Divorce sites that I think would benefit greatly from this information. <P>The reason why I feel so strongly is that some of these items are difficult to learn or digest when we are going through so much pain. For myself, it took many posters several weeks to get me to understand that I needed to let go, stop manipulating, be patient and learn to listen before it sunk in and I began making changes. These same patient people have posted the same info to others over and over again. This is good for all to hear but if we could put something like this as a model, then maybe those new at the board and at times some of us that need encouragement or reminders can review it and then be able to better think out what we really need to say or ask. <P>I don't think this should discourage people from posting their questions and concerns but the information provided here by DC and Patient1 covers a lot of my issues. Don't get me wrong the personal responses are great, many are reptitious. I think these notes will help us identify and focus on the issues a bit easier. Because when our emotions are run high it is easy to lose our objectivity. <P>Just me adding my 2 cents again.<P>L.

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jcandy...THANKS for bringing this to the top...I wasn't a member when it first was posted...I wish I had seen it sooner!<P>Cali

Back to the TOP.<P>Thank you, DnC. Well said!

D-n-C - long time no see <P>BUMP! Big time BUMP! ^^^^^^^^^<P>Khyra

Up Up Up ....

I apologize for the full paragraphs. My enter key is broke!!!

bumbed for the newbies and not so newbies.

^^^^^^^^