Well, it has been 8 months since I discovered my husband's affair and he still won't talk about it. If I bring it up he acts like it was nothing and gets mad and tells me to shut up, that he is sick of my annoying comments. I am so frustrated and hurt and sick of the whole thing, yet I am still here. Another hard thing to deal with is the fact that it was(is) with someone he works with. Just before I find out he took me to a christening party for a co-worker and she was at our table minus her husband. I noticed that she was gazing starry eyed at my H all night across the table. I always knew she had a little crush on him because he told me a couple of years ago. The way I found out was I came across two "love card" in his organizer and they were from her. I was shocked and devastated to say the least. A few days later I "came across" after tearing his garage apart 10 more love cards. There were 2 Birthday ones and two anniversary (of the day he quit drinking) ones so I know it has been at least a year and a half. He minimized everything saying that some people express there themselves differenty. Anyway, I am going crazy trying to figure out what to do........I think about it everyday of my life at least once an hour. It used to be once a minute. We have been married 27 years this month, what a joke. When he does talk he trys to blame me saying that I have acted like I don't care anymore. I would love to go see the OW and ask her for the facts (like she would give them to me) since he won't. I have an obsession to know all about this affair. I have loved him for more than half of my life but I don;t know if I can do this anymore. Does anyone have any advice or insight?<P>Thanks for listening,<BR>seaglass

Seaglass;<BR>Your husband sounds like a typical male for the part about just withdrawing and not communicating. Possibly at this point in the withdrawal the fog is still in and out for him. Does he still work with this OW? If so, the daily interacting with her could be causing him the seasaw effect - I know that one well. I am the WS and my OM works in my office. We knew each other for a few years before the A. Now I am trying to work on my marriage and I even tell him this when he asks how I am doing. He never expresses to me that he is doing the same. I just think men cannot express themselves easily and if he is still affected by the withdrawal of it all then his actions are textbook ones.<P>I just re-read your posts and see that he is still working with OW...that will be like tip-toeing thru the tulips for him between the old memories/feelings and now facing the mistake he has made.<P>Has he disclosed the details of the A to you? You may get more input from reading in the infidelity section under recovery here on this board. That area gets lots of traffic and there are many offering very good advice who are farther along than you.<P>Lastly I wouldnt contact the OW; even if you think she would disclose the details because those will haunt you forever, and often will not answer questions but just clouds the issues - if she were even honest about it. I think that Plan A is the next thing on the agenda, and if you are not familiar with Dr. Harley's plan A I would check that section out too. Tis a horrible roller coaster we are all on and there are good and bad days. There are many here that will give you very good advice because they are farther along.<P>Lots of hugs,<BR>Scuba<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by seaglass:<BR><B>Well, it has been 8 months since I discovered my husband's affair and he still won't talk about it. If I bring it up he acts like it was nothing and gets mad and tells me to shut up, that he is sick of my annoying comments. I am so frustrated and hurt and sick of the whole thing, yet I am still here. Another hard thing to deal with is the fact that it was(is) with someone he works with. Just before I find out he took me to a christening party for a co-worker and she was at our table minus her husband. I noticed that she was gazing starry eyed at my H all night across the table. I always knew she had a little crush on him because he told me a couple of years ago. The way I found out was I came across two "love card" in his organizer and they were from her. I was shocked and devastated to say the least. A few days later I "came across" after tearing his garage apart 10 more love cards. There were 2 Birthday ones and two anniversary (of the day he quit drinking) ones so I know it has been at least a year and a half. He minimized everything saying that some people express there themselves differenty. Anyway, I am going crazy trying to figure out what to do........I think about it everyday of my life at least once an hour. It used to be once a minute. We have been married 27 years this month, what a joke. When he does talk he trys to blame me saying that I have acted like I don't care anymore. I would love to go see the OW and ask her for the facts (like she would give them to me) since he won't. I have an obsession to know all about this affair. I have loved him for more than half of my life but I don;t know if I can do this anymore. Does anyone have any advice or insight?<P>Thanks for listening,<BR>seaglass</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi,<P>I'm one of those people who advocate meeting the OW, if possible. You won't find out anything new, most likely, but you WILL make sure that she KNOWS you are a presense and HIS WIFE. If you're lucky, she will realize what she's done and apologize. Believe it or not, I've lived that, both with one of my ex-H's OW (he had five) and also because I was once an other woman, and I apologized to the (common-law) wife of the OM. <P>Let us know what you decide.<P>It does get "better" with time... but... it NEVER goes away. It does get bearable though...<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Dear Seaglass,<P>Obsession to know is a strong feeling. It is a need to know that is greater than what we know. Left unchecked it is also a dangerous attitude. I know, that is how I felt when I found out last Nov. D/d for me was the night after we returned from a visit with our family counselor. I knew there was 'something' wrong with our marriage thought it was only communication problem. Well, it was that and a bit more. I heard a voicemail on H's cell ending in a 'I love you' statement from a woman I did not know. You can guess where it went from there. <P>I made it my mission to find out as much as I could about what happened, what was happening, background on OW, etc. Learned a lot, did I really need to know? Maybe some of it. What I did learn hurt deeply. Looking back, I learned that by H not cooperating and him being so deeply entrenched in the fog along with a highly manipulative OW, it filled me with endless energy and a drive to find out all I could.<P>This was not healthy for me. It consumed my day and night. While I managed to continue working, taking care of our son, manage the house and its bills, etc., I robbed time from myself and my health suffered. It also helped drive H away. H became protective of OW and her supposed privacy rights and did not care about his family's rights being violated. <P>The point of my account is, you need to pray for a calm hear and a clear mind because obsessive behavior can cause one not to be objective. If you have a need to learn about the A or OW, due to STD suspicion, fear for your safety, worry about your children, threats, violent acts, etc, then use the professionals (like detective agencies) to do the work for you. They are expensive but then you will not put yourself in jeporady. In this area, some of those agencies are manned by off duty law enforcement officers. This is a good thing. See, you need to do things within the law yourself or the OW or even your H may try to get you in trouble. <P>Remember the people you are obsessing about are in the fog and do not have your best interests at heart. During this time, they may turn on you in a minute, so be careful. Do not use the information you do find in a vindictive way. It may be tempting to do so but may not have long term benefits.<P>This leads you to frustration. So if our hands are tied, what do we do? Well, care for yourself. This will take a lot of time. Build your support group. Read the books, meet with the counselors, strengthen yourself. When your H comes our of the fog, he will need your guidance and expertise in how to help him heal. Be prepared. It could happen at any time. <P>The frustration and obsession in time both subside. Now that H has moved out it took 2 months for me to realize that I only had the time and energy to worry about those who live under my roof. I could not spend endless time consumed with what H and OW were doing. When he was at home I did but now that he was out on his own, I could not and should not waste my time on something I could not fix or control. I had to let go. You know what? That took a great weight off my shoulders. People said I would feel better when I would do that and they were right but I was initially too scared to try. I still have bouts of obsession and frustration but they have lessened with time. I posted about the latest bout on the d/d site under the name: The laundry bag and OW's H. It turned out a bit comical, even H laughed about it (not at the time but later) but I wouldn't recommend it. <P>I am glad I did let H go. The time he spent out on his own and with OW is when he really learned the affects of his decision. H wants to come back and now he has to prove to us that he deserves to come back. The dignity of his family remains in tact. I feel good about that. Obsessing about OW is not important anymore. There are still some important issues that need to be taken care of, but I am able to care for myself and family and go on with our life. H is behind and seeing his family move ahead. The decision where he wants to be is now solely his. <P>Another note: As long as H was angry at me, no progress could be made. When I let him go, both H and OW could no longer blame me for their inability to get along. <P>L.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 14, 2001).]

seaglass, We are somewhat similar. M 27 years when the A was happening(28 now).My D day was 8 months ago too. He and OW don't work together but his fog, and contact continued for 3 months, which was phone and online only.<P>And let me tell you, My H will say he WAS 100% home during that 3 months but the differnce between him before and after contact has been night and day.<BR> <BR>He and I don't want to be 2-3 years into recovery before he sorts out what really happened here, with his own feelings. I obsess still but much less than before because he has at least,tried to answer my Qs.He feels he needs to do that for US, even though it's painful for him. He told me stuff I really didn't need to know about deatils when he first came home but I am trying to take that stuff with a grain of salt,because of fog/withdrawal.Frankly, I wish I hadn't asked but then, I wasn't taking "I don't want to talk about it" for an answer.I WAS WRONG! <P>Just be careful what you ask,you"ll hate the answers...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Scuba2:<BR><B>Seaglass;<BR>Your husband sounds like a typical male for the part about just withdrawing and not communicating. Possibly at this point in the withdrawal the fog is still in and out for him. Does he still work with this OW? If so, the daily interacting with her could be causing him the seasaw effect - I know that one well. I am the WS and my OM works in my office. We knew each other for a few years before the A. Now I am trying to work on my marriage and I even tell him this when he asks how I am doing. He never expresses to me that he is doing the same. I just think men cannot express themselves easily and if he is still affected by the withdrawal of it all then his actions are textbook ones.<P>I just re-read your posts and see that he is still working with OW...that will be like tip-toeing thru the tulips for him between the old memories/feelings and now facing the mistake he has made.<P>Has he disclosed the details of the A to you? You may get more input from reading in the infidelity section under recovery here on this board. That area gets lots of traffic and there are many offering very good advice who are farther along than you.<P>Lastly I wouldnt contact the OW; even if you think she would disclose the details because those will haunt you forever, and often will not answer questions but just clouds the issues - if she were even honest about it. I think that Plan A is the next thing on the agenda, and if you are not familiar with Dr. Harley's plan A I would check that section out too. Tis a horrible roller coaster we are all on and there are good and bad days. There are many here that will give you very good advice because they are farther along.<P>Lots of hugs,<BR>Scuba<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I just re-read your posts and see that he is still working with OW...that will be like tip-toeing thru the tulips for him between the old memories/feelings and now facing the mistake he has made.<P>Has he disclosed the details of the A to you? <P>Yes, Scuba, He has worked with her for a few years. I met her at a company Christmas party. He had told me that She and another co-worker wanted to know what I look like (how imature) so I expected a nice meeting. She barely spoke when he introduced us. The next Xmas party we ran into her on the dance floor and what dirty looks I was getting. Last July we were at a Christening together and SHE SAT ACROSS from us and gave him loving gazes all night (I didn't know at this point but was a little suspicious) A month Later I found the cards and confronted him. He never admitted anything but accused me of never loving Him!!<P>Anyway.....he has not truly admiited to anything except talking to her and that "some people express their feelings differently". I guess! I think it is hard because I have seen her, and he works so far away that I can't even spy on him. If I bring it up he gets mad at ME. It is very frustrating.<P>Thanks for your response and advice'<P>Seaglass

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by new_beginning:<BR><B> Hi,<P>I'm one of those people who advocate meeting the OW, if possible. You won't find out anything new, most likely, but you WILL make sure that she KNOWS you are a presense and HIS WIFE. If you're lucky, she will realize what she's done and apologize. Believe it or not, I've lived that, both with one of my ex-H's OW (he had five) and also because I was once an other woman, and I apologized to the (common-law) wife of the OM. <P>Let us know what you decide.<P>It does get "better" with time... but... it NEVER goes away. It does get bearable though...<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm one of those people who advocate meeting the OW, if possible. You won't find out anything new, most likely, but you WILL make sure that she KNOWS you are a presense and HIS WIFE. If you're lucky, she will realize what she's done <P>I have met her not knowing about the A and now I feel ike a fool for being pleasant so I would love to see her again and give her a piece of my mind!! Afriend of mine says I should mail copies of hte cards ahe sent My H to her husband but I am not sure I should. <P>Well thanks for the insight and I'll let you know what I decide!!<P>seaglass