Well, I did tell my mom, my 3 brothers, and a friend when I found out about my Hs A.<BR>Well, I basically kept my mom and friend as my support system. It is gone now. It has only been 3 months since d-day. I have been reading everything, books and books, went to a counseling....<BR>I have been working and healing.<BR>I have only talked to my mom and my friend maybe 2-3 times in 2 months. With both of them in the last week, they made statements like I need to move on, stop asking questions, and basically get over it...<P>So, I feel down now...My little bit of support is gone.<BR>So, I again turn to people I don't know...and it saddens me greatly.<BR>I do talk to my h --alot about the A--put it on the table and deal with it...so, I have turned to them a couple of times and vented....no much you see!!<BR>Me and H are doing really well considering...But I still have to go through all the stages of this...<BR>I just can't believe that they think I would be over this and healed in 3 months...<BR>I am just sad,,,don't know what else to say...This made me feel even lonelier.<BR>When d-day happened....the 3 people who I told instantly--thought I was overreacting!!--always believe my H (liar in our entire relationship) over me....<BR>SAD today.

Crete *HUGS*!!!!!<P>I'm sorry you've lost part of your support system, but we are still here for you! They are not totally gone, it just hurts them to see you hurting. Patience is the key my dear.<P>Healing takes a long time, and I've only just started. Take time for yourself, smile, vent, breathe and relax..<P>*HUGS* to you Crete!

Come here,Crete, we will support. 3 months? You are doing fine...you have every right to take as long as YOU need. I'm glad your H understands, no one else needs to.<P> If you are like me, you obsess. That's how I got past some of it...but I had to stop eventually and just be sad. It's been 8 months since D day and 5 months into real recovery. And we are right where we are supposed to be, what ever that is.<P>Vent here, we will listen. Sometimes I think don't want to see so much pain, it scares them. I'm so sorry they let you down...

I feel a little better that my B (whose w is having a 2nd affair right now --and he is divorcing) e-mailed me back this morning...(Weird how we are both going through this right now--me still with H, him leaving W (who denies this second one-they are just friends!)..)<BR>My d-day was Jan...Hisd-day was Feb. one month later..but he had to deal with a pa over a year ago, and current one).<BR>So, even though we have to heal in different realms...he made me feel a little better..<BR>It is hard to have support from people who can't fathom what I have to go through...This board brings comfort because of the understanding everyone has....<BR>He basically told me that they don't like to see me hurting..They just don't have the right things to say--<BR>I've tried to explain to my mom that I have to mourn this all like a death.<BR>She should have a little understanding when she lost her first h at the age of 25 (with a 2 year-old and pregnant)--She was a wreck for a long time after that...I just thought that she would have the most understanding than anyone else..if she thought about it that way....But she doesn't want me to grieve my loss...So, it is here and my b that I think I will have my support...Time, is all I have...I am not going anywhere...my h and I are together....Time...<BR>Everyone else needs to let me have that too....<P>Lost--I have been wondering about you for days...I hope you are doing okay..Thank you for your response--so soon for you ...my heart aches for those who have to go through what I went through.<BR>Thanks Wounded,,I just needed to here that..my B said they weren't gone...same thing as you and more...

Crete,<P>AS painful as it sounds, I have gone through this so I guess I have some things to say.<P>There will be a time that you will have to move on with your life. I'm not saying that this should be NOW or anytime soon as your family and friends are saying, however, you will come to a point when it will no longer be healthy to dabble over it.<BR>You, and only you, will know when this is.. when your self esteem is almost anything but gone, and you feel your worst. You will have to say "Enough." and let it go. There is light at the end of the tunnel my friend and it will start with you.

Dear Crete,<P>Support comes from many unexpected sources. There are the usualy friends, family, etc. Other sources are articles, shows like Oprah, posting here, our children, our pets, neighbors, reading the Bible, going to the park and watching other families interact (a bit painful sometimes, but it can bring a smile and give hope), a run on the beach, etc. <P>Don't be afraid to branch out to other sources. Your support may not always be available at a moments notice but it can be very helpful. For example, my MIL's 2nd husband passed away and the funeral was 3 weeks ago. Due to prior family problem's I was not close with MIL and her 2nd Husband. (Her 2nd Husband came to my home in front of H's siblings and cussed the family out - the man was not well liked in the family - lot of tension, etc.) Anyway, MIL has done a 360 degree turnaround. Her attitude now is one where she is looking for ways to make amends with her family. <P>Why? MIL used to be in an A. for 11 years. Almost the whole time of my marriage. No wonder MIL did not like me and treated me similar to how H does not in the A. Very similar. Now that MIL is out of the fog, loved her 2nd husband very much and now has lost him. MIL is seeing how much damage her A and 2nd marriage has done to her children (she has 10 living children). 2 days after the funeral, MIL comes over to offer her support. She says she knows I may not want to speak to her but she came anyway. MIL used to always speak to me with her head hanging down (in a depressed stance), now she held her head up and looked me in the eye, talked to me like a normal person and showed care and concern. Wow, big change (all the family is noticing her change not just me). MIL says she is here to support me and my son 100%. Went out to the garage and told her son (H) who just happened to be at my house clearing out more of his stuff from the garage, that while she loves her son, she does not condone his A. and his wrong. MIL never would tell him that before. MIL says she also loves her grandson and I and will support us 100%. H is allowed to come and stay at MIL's home if he chooses but MIL will NOT support the A. BIG CHANGE!!!!<P>Boy was I blown away. Now H had no other person to pattern himself after. MIL came in told me about her A., we hugged and cried. I asked her to keep checking up on me in the event I become weak and begin to let H walk all over me. She said no problem. She has been calling about 3 times a week for the past 3 weeks. I never ever would have counted on her support. <P>There have been others as well. My little son has in his own way been very supportive. My need that I could control was recognizing and appreciating where all the support was flowing from. You know what? I had it all around me. <P>So with that thought, I would like to share with you, to take a look at not those not supporting you but all that are, including God. Please in your prayers, ask for a clear mind and a calm heart. You will see your support.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

<<<<<<<<<crete>>>>>>>>><BR>I know how you feel. I'm a foreigner in this country and don't have any of my family or close friends around me. One friend took my side but she never been thru this and seemed to think I was too weak for crying all the time, so I didn't want to talk to her about it until I really got stronger and it took me about 6-8 months. It's been a year now and I still cry sometimes.<P>Another friend was very nice, listened to me and gave me hugs. She was helping me a lot while she was suffering from cancer. She passed away when I was just about getting strength back, and it was so sad in many ways. I felt sorry to make her feel my pain, at the end of her life. <P>I was seeing a counselor and I could vent in his office, but it was still "business" for one hour a week.<P>I decided not to tell my mother back in my country because she is getting old and wouldn't understand what's really going on with us. It'll just make her worry about me, as matter of fact she believes I'm having a great life with a wonderful husband. I was so close to her always and now there is one thing I hide from her, that is very sad.<P>I did tell to a few of my best friends when I went home for a short time, the person understood me the best was the one recently went thru similar situation.<P>I read many books, I prayed a lot too, but the biggest support was from people on this site. These people maybe someone you don't know, but we all know your pain. I really believe talking to people who know the same pain is the best way to heal... and it will get better as time goes by, I can say this because it is better for me after 1 year.<P>Hang in there, you are not alone. OK?<BR>Lots of hugs<p>[This message has been edited by itrust (edited April 14, 2001).]

Just another thought...I only told one person. I think everyone at works knows,they saw me go thru this ,waste away,and not be myself for months. When found out that there was an EA (already a PA but I didn't know), I did tell people about that. So, while its not "out there",I think everyone who knows me has figured it out. <P>The people who care about me call every now and then with a "How Ya doing,honey". They are respectful of my privacy because the whole place isn't now and wasn't talking. And the whole place would have. I'm sure there are people who felt put down,perhaps, by my arrogance in my marriage and how happy and in love I was. They would gloat behind my back,if they knew. <P>The one friend I told,only because she had been cheated on before, has been also respectful and supportive,in her way.But she is single and has her own life and I really didn't let her in all the way.<P>My family lives across the country and I wouldn't tell them anyway. While they are somewhat fond of my H, they think I'm "perfect" and they would totally hold this against him.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is that my H and the Cs have been my only real support.My H had HER for support the first 3 months he was home and turned to her when it got too intense for him here. Once he realized what he was doing, he stopped it and has been 100% for ME ever since.<P>Be glad you have your family,they will come around,they love you.You belong to them, in a way your H does not.

You know, until someone has walked in your shoes it's easy to say what a person should or should not do. And sometimes, even if someone has walked in shoes similar to yours, they still have no right to tell you what you should or should not do.<P>I am still healing and it will be 3 years in May. I know I am getting stronger; I see changes in my thoughts and actions. Nevertheless, there are still times when the pain and the bad feelings make my heart feel heavy and cause me to cry. It doesn't help that I have to see and/or hear from the OW often since she and my H decided to have a baby as a souvenir of their affair.<P>Not many people know about our situation because having others know would hurt more than help, so it's just been me, my Bible, and my self-help books that have helped me get as far as I have. Although I am still with my H right now, talking to him is almost like talking to a brick wall; it's more frustrating than helpful.<P>Girlfriend, you will heal at your own pace . . . in your own time. Just do not lose focus. You are worth it!