Plan A says to address the root causes of the affair, at least one EA, at least one PA and attempts at others. I have a strong need to go over the causes from the time we first met. My H says he has already done that with the OW and it will not be the "same" if he does it again with me. He says it is all in the past and there is nothing he can do to change it. I am so hurt and jealous that he wants to keep that information secret and private between him and her that I feel like dying. He says he talked and talked and talked and answered all his own questions. He also did a lot of crying. He is very annoyed and defensive when I ask a question and answers are short,"yes,no,probably,I don`t know, Ican`t remember". I can think of nothing that he would ask me that I would be unwilling to discuss at great length if he needed it from me. I think he wants to keep the deep emotional "special" relationship he had with her even if it has ended.Keep the memory of it alive and active.If he allows ME to fill that need, then there will be no reason to pursue or fantasize about her. She will no longer be useful. One day very angrily, he said "so why do you want to help me NOW, when you didn`t want to BEFORE?" If he is unwilling to explore the root problems, how can we make any progress, doing this is MY #1 EMOTIONAL NEED, I am the betrayed spouse, I am willing to begin meeting HIS emotional needs, until he is also willing, then I guess that means I am still REPLACED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Replaced,<P>He is still in withdrawl, and as long as he's holding on to that "specialness" he CAN'T (or you could say "won't") be able to work with you on your marriage.<P>It seems very unfair, I know, but YOU have to be the one to do it now. <P>When I came here, I was the betrayer. I had a short-lived stupid affair with a co-worker and slept with the man once. Even though my spouse was the betrayed and would be "the one" to institute Plan A, it was ME who was here at MB, and ME who at that time was trying to find a way to repair my marriage. **I** had to be the one to do the work.<P>My ex-H had had three affairs years before mine, and ultimately ended up having two more after mine. I believe that had I MET <B>HIS</B> needs instead of being pi$$ed off that he wasn't meeting mine... the marriage might have been saved.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>(a bit worse for the wear, but hanging in there)<P><B>Life <I>is</I> difficult</B>.<BR><I>The Road Less Traveled</I><BR>~M. Scott Peck

Dear R,<P>My H shared many of those same sentiments with me. H shared a lot about his frustrations with OW, like she was his therapist or something. This is a very common habit. WS's & OP's have to have something in common. Mate bashing is a favorite past time. Both H and OW convinced themselves that I was not interested in our marriage, this allowed them the ability to justify their A. When I made concentrated effort to work on the marriage, my H responded like yours "why are you working on this now and not before?" I said, I did try before (we were going to a marriage counselor before I knew about the A) and will try now. I did not get cooperation before, when you are willing to cooperate let me know, in the meantime, I will do what I need to do. H knew I had always tried to work on our marriage but H would fight me (for his own unknown internal struggles and reasons that he never shared with me - could be because he does not fully understand them himself). <P>WS also said he did not need a counselor and did not want to have a session with the Harley's because 'he knew' what his problems were and 'knew all the answers, he just did not want to do what it would take to fix our marriage'. <P>Those words have echoed in my ears since he said them in Dec 00. Yet in Jan, Feb, Mar and now in Apr., I keep hearing about how he wants to come back. More words. Need to see actions. <P>They are capable of actions but may be afraid of failure. This is where the BS can come in and show support. Love is a quality that can be tender yet firm. This is what our Ws's need to see. Tender in that we still care for them but firm in that we will not allow ourselves to be disrespected, used as a doormat nor should we take undue hatred out on them. Retaliation is a struggle for many BS's because it is so instinctive. We have been wounded and need to defend - natural reaction. Yet when we are dealing with another wounded person (WS) and often an unknown person (OP), then it requires the BS to attain great skill in how we work on our marriage, our WS's and ourselves. In some cases, even the OP benefits. Not all but some. <P>Dear R, your emotional needs are important. Right now your H can not deal with that. The EN that needs attention right now is your H's. I had to put my EN aside 'temporarily' (actually for me since Nov 2000) and only now is H considering giving attention to my EN's. This whole time I have worked (sometimes not too well) trying to meet the EN's of my H. It is hard because I don't fully know all of them yet. He does not tell me a whole lot about his feelings. H does share a lot about OW and their relationship, now I am growing to dislike knowing that. <P>Based on what I have learned and gone through, see if you can gently just work on your H's ENs. Do it in an unobtrusive way. He doesn't even have to know what you are doing. Like doing some unexpected nice thing for a friend and see their gratitude, brings happiness to our souls (Jesus' principle of there is greater happiness in giving than there is in receiving). That's what parents do a lot for their children, but between spouses it is a rarity. <P>Be patient, it takes time. Sometimes meeting those needs just means not talking about anything or not talking about the A. It could be as gentle as a sweet smile, a small peck on the cheek, a gentle hug or cooking a special meal. <P>I bought my H a jacket he needed after the one he had accidently ripped (it ripped while we had a very strong disagreement). It was truly an accident. H was surprised that despite how angry we both were at each other, I took the time in the dead of winter to go out and search for a coat so that he could go to work. Small steps that what it was. <P>You know those small steps confused him at first. He would angrily reply, "why are you being NICE to me!" I answered, because I want to and need to. Left it at that. Eventually his responses became nicer and he even began thanking me for all my efforts. See they do see what we are doing. Don't always think that they don't know how much you are trying. They just may not want to tell you because then you might require the same out of them and they are not ready to do that yet. <P>In fact, H said he shared with OW what changes I have been making in trying to save our marriage (they really weren't much changes, he just was not noticing enough). But when he did, he would share them with OW. Well, not to be undone, OW would turn on the charm and fill H's ears with hatred for me. Fueled by some genuine hate letters from OW, she worked real hard at making me look bad. The more she tried the sweeter I tried to be. Kill 'em with kindess. This works. Hard to do but it works. <P>Now, H is talking about coming home. Now I have asked H to show what value he can bring back to his family to make us 'want' to have him back in our lives. That is where we are right now. More time and patience. I have that on my side. <P>I no longer feel as if I have been rejected or replaced. This is a long journey and the road it rough. You are at a place where many have traveled this road and can offer assistance. Take the parts that can help you and you will see benefit. Understand that the benefit may be difficult to see at first but it is there and will come. <P>If you can check out the EN questionnaire and read up as much as you can on the books and writeups here. Sessions with the Harley's are also beneficial and phone counseling is available. I am saving up to have more sessions with Steve Harley and look forward to progressing further. Even if my progression is just to make me a better person and maybe not save my marriage, it is still a benefit. Positive outlook is important. At this time it is probably something only you are able to have between you and your spouse. In time, he may be able to reciporicate.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Secrets have played a very large part in my Hs A,as well.<BR>But the secrets are his,not his and hers,at least not now.<P>When he first came home, he was an emotional mess and I was a worse one.Part of the prblem was that he was still in contact,online and by phone with OW. He was annoyed and defensive,too. Until he sorted out his own feelings,until he realized that sharing his feelings honestly would only help me and us,he stayed defensive.<P>He didn't want to hurt me more than he had,but the things he has now pretty much come clean about I already had figured out. He didn't realize that his lies and evasion were making me crazy and causing me to feel that he was in denial. I think it was his refusal to really TALK to me that caused me to feel,for longer than was necessary, that this M was not going to survive.<P>Once he stopped contact with OW, real recovery began. He still gets defensive but not nearly as much. He is now willing to do the work he wasn't willing to do before contact stopped.<P>I guess the question would be is your H still in contact with OW and is he willing to open up? He sounds like me when he says "Why are you willing to help me now when you didn't want to before?" Maybe you need to show him you feel he is worth it...