I recently found out that my husband has been having an<BR>"emotional affair" with a friend. They spent hours a day<BR>on the phone, talking about such personal things as our<BR>sex life. His last phone bill was 1035 minutes, mostly to<BR>her and from her! Her sister was carried to the hospital,'<BR>and she called my husband to "come be with her", but neither thought about telling me. She called me the same<BR>night to tell me about her sister, but never mentioned that<BR>my husband was there. Someone else told me. He says they<BR>never had sex, although I really dont believe him. Even our<BR>pastor noticed how "friendly" they were at church. I didnt<BR>even have to tell him who the OW was...he guessed! We have<BR>been separated about a month now. He is begging me to come back, but I dont know that I can ever trust him again. I am<BR>very hurt and angry...I feel so betrayed!! He would call me<BR>for 1-2 minutes at work, then call her for 50 minutes!! He<BR>said that he just needed someone to talk to, but he has many<BR>male friends, one is even a counselor! Any advice out there<BR>from someone that may have been in my shoes????

If he is begging to come back, you are in the best position to be in. You have negotiating power. If he wants you to come home, make it on your conditions. Read the books from this site together. Do the questionairs together. Build your marriage together. <P>I can not say it will be easy or the trust will be like it once was, but then you obviously should not have had trust, should you? Recovery is a long hard road, but well worth it, and especially if kids are involved, an easier road than the other one.<P>It can be done. My H's A ended over 2 years ago and we are together and happy. We have a better marriage than before. I still have bad days and still sometimes obsess on the past, still miss alot of the things from before, but the big picture is our marriage and our lives are much better and much more fullfilling now.<P>If both of you want to make it work, you can. Best advice is too never take each other for granted again.

Welcome to MB. Please make sure you start by checking the Welcome to New Builders (something like that) post on the Just Found Out forum, posted by NSR (one of the wise veterans). It has links to things like Plan A, EN, LBs, and everything you need to read concerning affairs and restoring your marriage. It can be done. You can read success stories here from situations that seemed hopeless with long separations and long affairs.<P>Clearly your H has had or does have a very inappropriate relationship with this OW. It would help if you post a bit more, such as whether you left your residence, or did he? Do you have any kids?<P>Like you've already been told, if he wants you to come back, it must be under some conditions. One of those must be no contact with OW. Often that is difficult to do, and difficult to get agreement on. But you'll read on here how important it is. Another important thing is how long have they been involved?<P>I know the feeling of the 1-2 minute phone calls, followed by a long one to the OP. I noticed that trend when I looked back on my wife's phone bills. I still don't know why it was so often the case.<P>If he is wanting you back, then that is good news. You are already ahead of the game in some ways, because many of us are fighting to save our marriages despite our spouses showing no interest and carrying on in affairs. If you haven't already, check out the post I mentioned. You need to understand affairs. The book Surviving An Affair (from this site) explains how marriages can be restored. So you can definitely do it if that is what you want. Trust isn't something that comes back right away, but through time it can.<P>Keep reading and posting. Everyone here helps each other get through these difficult situations. There is alot to learn from this site. Good luck.<P><BR>

I am the one who left my home, although very hard. My pastor advised me to do so at the time of the discovery. I<BR>have not had the desire to return. We have no children<BR>together...he has 2 teenagers from a previous marriage.<BR>I am lonely, but with God's help, I will survive. I know<BR>that it is God's will that we work this out, but I dont<BR>think I could live with someone that I cannot trust. H is<BR>self-employed, and has so much freedom. I, on the other hand, punch a clock, so he knows where I am all the time.<P>

Webgirl...<BR>Here is a copy of an article I found that I asked my husband to read.<BR>It helped him to open his eyes to the emotional side of his affair...up until then he said it was just sex, and didn't mean anything to him. WRONG!!!<BR>Once he read it, an honest recovery began...but it took him a while to process everything - so be patient.<BR>Good luck to you.<BR>SoDuped.<P>The Emotional Affair<P>The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction. <P>What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun. <P>For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised. <P>Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level. <P>This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship. <P>How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:<P>do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?<P>does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?<P>have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?<P>If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.<P> <P>

Webgirl,<P>It is hard to trust someone after an affair, but it can be done. You need to do some healing yourself. It takes time.<P>Have you read any of the MB site other than this message board? If not, I suggest that you take a look at some of the concepts here. NSR has a great welcome post on the Just Found Out forum as Rick has already mentioned, but here is one quick click to the Infidelity portion to get you started: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> .<P>The only person you can ever hope to control or change is yourself. There are some changes you can make to yourself and your relationship to try to get to the point where there are no other affairs. But it will take time and a lot of work for both of you.<P>You can trust him again....<P>You can love him again....<P>Your marriage can work again....<P><B>IF</B> you are both willing to work at it. <P>But I've found that the best things in life are rarely easy.<P>All the best to you.<BR>--HBC

I have a thought about the 2-3 minute phone call to the spouse and 50 minutes to the OP. This has been the case in my story too.<P>What do you think as spouses we have to discuss the family stuff on the phone and the daily life things, we don't need to flirt with our spouse like we did when we where first getting together, I think sometimes then, we just listened to each other breathe and thought that was wonderful. We are busy people and think that our spouses are busy too and that they need to get the info that we are giving them and then been done with the call as they and we have things to do.<P>Now, the OP is flirting, and trying to snag our spouses and that is how there ends up being 50 minute phone calls, also some of that, our spouses don't have any one to talk to and the OP takes the time to listen and that is what our spouses need, as if we wouldn't listen!! What is it that they talk about anyways?, my H says he can't talk to anyone else like he does her or that no one else understands like her. Has he tried talking to the wall?<P>Just thoughts,