Me and my wife have been going through some difficult times. It has been, by far, the most emotionally and mentally exhausting experience either of us have ever had to deal with. What it all boils down to is that we are at total disagreement regarding some issues. She had an affair because she felt that I didn't care about her, and because she felt that our marriage was over. We both knew that there was a problem in our marriage and had agreed to be separated, with some stipulations. At the time, we were 2000 miles apart and were unsure as to when I would be able to be with her and our son. This distance apart was due to a house she had inherited in another state. We agreed that she would move to the house and I would follow as soon as I was able to secure a decent job in the other state. The separation agreement was due to the fact that we both knew there was something wrong with the marriage after I had visited her for two weeks in the other state. All we did was argue for two weeks. The stipulations to the separation were that we could see, or date other people. However, if it got to the point were one of us was going to have a sexual relationship with someone else, then we would discuss it before doing the act. If one of us was not in agreement, then we would not carry out with the sexual relationship. I only agreed to this because this is what my wife wanted, and we both agreed to the stipulations as well. As it turned out, my wife met a guy at a gym. When she told me about him, I made her aware that I wasn't in agreement of her having a relationship with the guy, and became angry for various reasons. She went ahead and had sex with the guy anyway. I had assumed that she had had sex with the man and questioned her on it. After some discussion, she finally admitted to me of what she had done. I became extremely angry with her. I felt she had betrayed my trust in her and had acted selfishly and irresponsibly. She felt that our marriage was over anyway and that I really didn't care about her, which is why she had the affair. Now we're both at total disagreement about everything. I tried to understand her actions and tried fix the marriage, but she was cold and not willing to work things out at the time; so I quit trying and moved on as best I could. Now, she is trying to fix the marriage, but I'm still leary of her. I have made her fully aware of my feelings and concerns regarding this whole matter without any regards to how hurtful my words may be towards her. <BR> Because of the negative enviroment I work in, I tend to speak my mind without cutting around the bush. I don't take into consideration how hurtful my words may be. My wife is the exact opposite. She'll cushion what she has to say, and as a result, has a hard time getting her point across. Another disagreement we have is how we rate each others actions, wich have hurt one another. She feels that what I have done is equally as hurtful as what she has done to me, but I feel that she has committed the ultimate betrayal and hurtful action that a spouse can do. Addtionally, when we have discussions of any kind, she doesn't like to refer to past events, whereas I do. She feels that what we have done to each other on the past doesn't matter...it's what we're doing now that matters. I tend to feel that the past has a big impact on where we're at in our marriage now, and as a result, keep referring to past events.<BR> We both know it's going to be a long time before either of us will come to terms with each other's actions. Even now, I have little trust, respect, and faith in her. She still has issues with me regarding my anger issues and some racial issues. We've both gone to counseling to rectify the personal issues we have with each other, but we both know that nothing ever happens overnight.<BR> She says that she's 100% committed to fixing our marriage, and I agreed, after a few weeks of discussion, to work with her on fixing our marriage as well. However, the hurtful issues I have regarding her actions causes me to feel like I should walk away from all this sometimes. I want to think that I'm just as committed to fixing the marriage as she is right now, but when I was 100% committed to fixing the marriage, she pushed me away. Now we have switched roles I guess.<BR> Neither of us knows what to do at this point. She wants me to beleive in her sincerity and committment, but the hurt prevents me from doing that. We don't know what it's going to take to make me have any belief in her again like I used to, and we don't know if we'll be able to handle being apart while trying to fix the marriage. We agree that we can't fix this living so far apart, yet I'm uneasy with her moving back in with me. I'm not sure whether or not I should try. I still love her, but it's changed since everything started going sour. I'm sure she feels the same. I only wish that none of this had ever happened, but it did and unfortunately it can't be changed.<BR> Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.<P>---------<BR>MTNMAN

First, I will say that your separation agreement, allowing dating others set you up for more trouble, regardless of the "ask before hopping into bed" clause. When you are married, you do not date, period. So, while your wife was not right to do as she did, I do understand her feeling that the marriage was over. I also understand your hurt, however.<P>Secondly, it seems that you & your wife have a problem with "lovebusters". You need to eliminate those first, then start trying to meet each others emotional needs. Yes, it is hard to rebuild if you are living far apart.<P>Let me direct you to an article that might be a good place to start...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>Good luck!<P>Kathi

Hi Mtnman_sierras,<P>Sorry to hear of your situation. Kathi has offered you some good advice. That site where she directed you will help both you and your wife see the some of the basic concepts learned here at marriage builders. In addition to that the Harley's offer counseling sessions over the phone. I have found it helpful. You can do it in the comfort of your own home. <P>I personally read all that is written on this site and then took the emotional needs test. I even made a binder of this information for my H and he read some. Though we are currently separated, I do not regret what I have learned here. Because it has made me see things correctly and learn how to be a better and stronger person. For us, my H is the WS and is working on his attitude. Slowly but surely he is coming around. <P>Patience is one of the main qualities learned here. For some stubborn, like me it took a while to learn. In addition to written information, there are books that continue the line of discussion here that are helpful. When you are ready, the books Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs provide some good insight. <P>These books will help you learn what both of you are going through. Then they will help you learn how to interact with each other. <P>The changes I made were noticeable to my H. He has commented that if he is able to return to the family, it is partially due to all the effort I have made to make him feel wanted and comfortable. RE: H actually thought that when I learned of the A., I would kick him out with no hope of return. He was wrong, I do love my H but also need to respect myself and my needs. There is a respectful way to repair a marriage and that requires both parties to cooperate and have the same goal, a happy marriage. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>